Can't swing a cat in a circle without hittin' the city limits here, Hon.

Baby, I hate to wake you when you lookin' so peaceful....all nekkid and twisted up on the fold out like that. But, I been thankin. You know , this here town, sometimes I jist feel like maybe it ain't big 'nuff for folks like me that is clearly destined to greatness.... I got a heap of learnin' back when I was in the circus, you been the beneficarary of quite a bit of it.... Nawww, I ain't talkin' bout the trapeze here, but we did have some good times with that. ..What I was ponderin' was this. You can't keep a tiger in a dawg pen, not even one them sturdy kind. Gawd knows I tried. It works fer a while..but one day....that tiger jist won't git back in there. Nuthin you can do to make him neither, less you ain't fond of your extremities.


I reckon what I'm tryin to say, is that I'm feelin' a bit cramped. This town's so dayam small that we ain't got but two houseflies livin' here at any given time. Darlin, in other parts of the country, 3 numbers don't make a zip code. Folks here don't git the flu so they might have an excuse to miss church. Families done nursed grudges so long that their babies is born with 'em.


Course, there are upsides to livin' in a tight knit community. All our homeless folks got nicknames and we know their mamas. There's no need for a stop sign long as the Harrison's continue livin' in their homestead on the busy corner. Melvin Turnupstood does a fine job hollerin' "STOP, BUBBA!"...."NOW, GO, MARY ELIZABETH CATHERINE MATILDA ANN!" whenever the need arises, he surely does..... just like his daddy did before him. And it is nice to have Ima Rednik, the checkout gal up to the Piggly, tell you what you done come in for. Well, I do appreciate the way that whenever tounges is waggin' bout me, they always add, "Y'all, we need to pray for her." That there is priceless.


But, I done made up my mind rat now- fore daylite. That don't happen much, since I ain't an early riser like you seem to be. Git your britches on, Honey. You and me is goin' to Vegas fer the weekend. You heard me... hop to it, Bunnytail. Awww, Darlin'...you jist as cute as you can be, but you sure ain't smart.. You thank fer a gotdam minute that jist by sayin' "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" makes it true? Baby, I tried to git that bill passed a long time ago.It's still settin' there on Capital Hill, but it is still only a bill . What I'm gone say is , "you ain't got to tell everythang you know". Grab that Charles' Chip's can oft the fridge and button your jeans for now. Nawww, this here can is full a cash. Jist one a many of my stashes, you know I don't trust banks. Real quick, Shug...get me a couple bottles of that Champale, we celebratin' this morinin'. Now, hurry for all the Joons wake up....shhhhh. This is gone be some fun. Have I told you lately that I love you, Baby? Well, I ain't got to say it.. you know good and well I do.

I done got a lil behind, but I'm back with you now, Hon.

Hey, Baby. ...You better git on in this trailer and hug me real hard and tight, like you mean it! Uh-Huh..that's what I'm talkin' bout. Dayum, that 's the most sincerest hug I ever felt....do it again. Shug, let me tell you somethin'... I jist 'bout worked my tail oft down to that votin' place. You know, I'm used to bein a workin' gal, but I ain't used to standin' up while I work. Shug, let me set here on the recliner while you try givin' these boots a yank, would you? All my Joons done tugged at 'em to no avail. We even greased 'em good with the WD-40. Didn't budge the boots but I do bleeve it's helpin' my rug rash. It's gone be like openin' up a can a biscuits when them suckers do come oft. Dayum, my dawgs is sure nuff barkin' now.. I stayed so long down there at them votin' booths that I done missed my regular Two Fer Toosdee gig at the Golden Rage Retirement and Funerial Home. You know my boss,Won Ton, he can be such a bast#rd to me-his own Mama! I reckon that's partly my fault. But, when I got back here, he was fit to be tied. Remind me to turn him loose in a bit, Hon.

I was tickled pank to serve this country. It really is part of my job as a modern day prophet and what not. Baby, you know how I'm one of them claustravoyants? You done seen that big ole sign up yonder at the front gates of Won Ton Estates. Mine's a limited gift. I got to have space for my powers to git a good signal. But yesterdee, I was fairly computant that we was gone make history in this here country. And, sure nuff, we did! Yeah, a few folks got bumper stickers as a constant reminder that they voted for losers. But, they can jist buy new cars. Next time, I bet they ain't gone git so slap happy.

Oh, Lawrd, Hon! I done got all relaxable settin' here with you and forgot all 'bout somethin ' needs tendin' to post haste. Guess who came draggin' her skinny tookus up the stoop last night round 3 am? Yep. Sarah Palin. Just hollerin' like an alleycat. Sometimes I regret that oath we took years ago to become bloodsisters and never foresake each other. Course, I had no idea how far she would end up pushin' me. Anyhoo, she was high as custom Dolce Gabbana. On a cryin' jag like she's the only woman who has ever runnned for Vice President of the United States and didn't git it! Sarah's got a martyr complex... specially when she's got the glug-glugs. That gal hurled all over my laptop, the keys is still stickin'. She ain't so perty when she's plastered. Come on, let's see can we git her to come out the dryer where she done passed out. We gone shut the wrinkle gaurd oft, that usually does the trick. Baby, see can you clean that crusty stuff oft Sarah's face and put some clothes on her. ......oh for the love of Gawd, brush her teeth! Won Ton, my cupcake, I will cut you loose iffin you promise to git your gamblin' buddy, Geraldine Ferraro on the phone to talk your Auntie Sarah? Won Ton, listen to Mama.... you gone tell Geraldine that you forgive her debts to you iffin she will take Sarah out of our dryer and oft my hands....do you hear me, boy?

Baby, I'm gone be doin' a different kind a pole dance tomorrow.

Hey, Hon....how you been gettin' long? Let me hug your neck...now, git on in this trailer and fix me a drank. Make yourself useful, Shug...not that I wouldn't keep you 'round jist to look at you. Gawd knows I would, He told me so this mornin. Take a load oft, Lovebug. There's somethin' kindly serious I want to talk to to talk to you 'bout...... Naawww, I still don't want to marry you. I'm sorry to lead in like that, it was thoughtless of me. Most folks don't know this but, we got us a Presidential election comin' up here real soon. Well, Hon, don't feel too bad... they ain't mentioned it hardly t'all in the news. But it ain't too late fer you to git your two cents into the ring, don't worry.

Babe, this trailer here is place where all walks of life is welcome to git thangs oft their chest- long as they pay up front in cash. Folks is allowed to speak their minds and iffin I like what they is sayin', or I thank it's funny, I usually let 'em stay indefinitely. In my line of work, many of my clients is very high profile individuals, so, I don't often discuss current events. In my bidness, confidentiality is paramount- and it's also real important. So, I have elected not to launch any big political crusade, or lobby for a particular candidate. Damn straight, Sarah Palin and me go way back. Yep, two of her children live with me now, they both tickle me. That's right, Darlin' Sarah did give me my beloved monkey, Pollock. That don't mean I'm gone vote for her, and it don't me I ain't. My girl and me is way tighter than that!

See, that's one of the thangs that makes America the greatest country in the entire United States! Everbody here has the right to their own opinion or someone else's. Even the the folks that ain't got no sense at all, got a Gawd givin' right to act a fool. Y'all know, I'm a lover, not a fighter, although my criminal record may show that I have been both at various times. I'm just sayin', y'all, git your cute tails out there and vote for that one fella or that other fella. Or, if you really want to waste your time, vote for somebody else. It's all over but the cryin' anyway.

Now, iffin you really want to cast a vote that could make a tremendous difference, Baby....tell me which shoes you thank look cuter with ma out fit to wear up to the votin' booth tomorrow? Me and the gals from the Pony is gone be out there all morinin' rustlin up customers. Y'all come see us, now, do you hear me?

Down with UPS!

Gotdamit! Chelle's birthday present jist now got here cause of some mix up at UPS. So, my cyber BFF's B'day present ain't only late, the thang is way too small. I tried it on, and as y'all can see, that ain't gone do nothin' but make a fella mad. Let me git this mess straightened out. I'm gone holler at y'all after our church services at the Jello pool. The sermon I wrote fer this mornin' is on plannin' ahead and payin' attention to details...I feel perty humbled rat now. I wonder if this kind of thang happens to Joel Osteen.

The Humor Bloggers Blog: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELLE B. !!

The Humor Bloggers Blog: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELLE B. !!

Who-da-ho? Nawww, baby..today it ain't me.

Y'all, less you been in a deep freeze.. or not visitin' us at Humor Bloggers, like I done told you to... you know what today is! Yep. It's the day formerly known as "All Saint's Day". If you didn't git the twitter, it is now gone be known as "CHELLE'S BIRTHDAY!" Chelle is my cyber-gal BFF, and I heart her more than glitter and kittens! Petty Point, where I stay, ain't xactly a friendly place. It's one hell of a town. And most of the real folks 'round here are 'bout as witty and personable as a sack a broken hammers. Except all my clients, a course. But they is generally men.



I reckon that is why Chelle means so much to me. When she found me out in the blog-o-sphere, just a few short months ago, only Won Ton and me read this thang. I reckon you could safely say she done put me on the map and introduced me to the right folks. Chelle is patient with me, and prefers to thank of me as a savant....she kindly leaves oft the idiot part. Awwwww. She is the evil genius who created the world dominatin' force at http://www.humorbloggers.com/. She also manages to infuriate and revolt people as far away as Greenland at her own blog http://offendedblogger.com/ Chelle is a feisty lil b#tch and I am pleased as punch to have her on my side. She is jist as hot as she is smart, and I'm gone transfer all of ma assets and duble down on her. I done wrote a lil poem in ode on this special day.



Chelle is great.

Chelle is good.

At Humor Bloggers, she's the Dood.

By her hand, we all are read.

Chelle, did I tell you I'm also dead?



So, this post is a toast to you, Chelle! You know I'm gone drank to that. Hope you have a lovely day filled with rainbows, precious moments figurines, clown art (not the sick kind) and bunnies. Love you, Hon. Mean it. I know how you dig all caps and tons of punctuation so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHELLE!!!!!!!! YOU RAWK,SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, not everybody is wearin' a mask today.

Hey, Hon....git on in this trailer! Awwwww, look at you all dressed up like a PILTF! ( note from editor: this is not a real word, YET) Darlin, that is just bout the cutest thang ever. Come here, Baby and give me some Halloween love. Dayum, that BoFlex I got you, fer me, is worth every penny. It works so good, I'm gone git you another one.

I just bout fixed up everythang round the trailer in time fer the shindig. All that is left to do is git us some gravel out the parkin' lot and shine it up in the ole skool rock polisher. Then sprankle a lil sugar on it and viola, rock candy! And we got the half pints, cigs, dead hermit crabs and goldfish ready fer the treatsters. Oh, Lovebug, we got to git some Michelob Ultra in case we git any newborns...I'd hate to not be prepared fer 'em. You know, in all our years a celebratin' Halloween, nobody never tried to play a trick on us. Ain't that unusual. Probly cause we is just so popular and well thought of in the community.

Aright, Baby, let me git this announcement out the way so you and me can start havin' us some fun...

To all my dear readers, even the ones of y'all drownin' in the ocean way over yonder, and epsecially all my loyal supporters in Hell, the big day is finally here! I know we been waitin' a year or more fore it to roll round again, but what did I tell y'all? See, here it is. Y'all knock yourselfs out- and I mean it! Now, I hate to preach to you again...but, last Halloween, I spent 4 hours in the emergency room with that gotdam troll of an albatross of mine, Jitters. Someone tried to snatch her face oft. Listen to me...not ever body is wearin' a mask today. Some folks is jist ugly and that is their face fer real. So, all I ask is that nobody try to pull anybody's mask oft here without permission. I'm sorry to be so tuft on y'all, but trust me. Mama knows best! Now, let the games begin y'all. Go play at the carnival for a while, Baby and me got some thangs to to do......http://www.humorbloggers.net/ Happy Halloween.

Fore y'all read that mess down yonder, go look at this.

I hate to keep yammerin' on bout how lucky I am to be so blessed and what not. But the thang that really keeps me goin' is havin' the kind of friends that I got. Not many folks have so many buddies who would be ready to help 'em commit felonies....like assistin' a pregnant midget commit suicide. Doin' as much time as I have, I've made some real good connections. No luck with Jitters yet. Y'all, we ain't givin' up...... she has got to git! How can someone so small be so hard to kill?

Bill's got him a special place in my heart of gold. He's way up yonder in some country called Canada, but he seems almost human. I love him more than bunnies. Look what he done.

http://ianimateyou.blogspot.com/2008/10/meet-extraordinary-blogger-eve.html

Now, I got to git to work. Behave and I'm gone holler at y'all later. And don't forget to read my list of ways to break the monotony of your day. Cause, when I git back to the trailer, I don't want to hear 'bout how there was nothin' to do with me gone.

I'm jist an angel with no halo...cause it messes up my hairdo.

Hey, Hon...I'm gone interupt all our Halloween festivities fer just a minite 'cause I am such a Humanitirarian . Since I am all thangs to all people -cept them folks in our country's Mid West... and the rest of the World that don't speak English....some thangs git brought to my attention that I do my damndest to shrug oft. When I can't shake it or shove it on to nobody, I just got to git it oft my own chest, and I reckon that is what I am fixin' to have to do now. I am talkin' to you out there who might feel kindly stuck in a ditch. There are a good many of you, and I am on my way with a tow truck to pull you right on out.

Darlin', I ain't tryin' to rub salt on a wound or nothin', but I know most people don't have near the perfect life I got here. I've been lucky to be blessed with a chemicological imblance where I stay upbeat and energetic when all hell is breakin' loose 'round me. Not only that, but I thank the Lawrd that He made me real hard of hearin' - that's been more a gift than I can express. Plus, He gave me this attention span so short, I can't hardly sit still though a stop sign. Hell, I forget what I walked into the bathroom for! When you add that to my drankin' problem and my non-linear thought process...not much registers with me a' tall. I will never know why He saw fit to heap such favors on me.

Folks ask me awl the time, "Eve, how can I break up the mundacity of daily livin' that plauges my every day life?" I thank a good jumpin oft point would be to qwit askin' me that question every gotdam day. But, me bein' the giver that I am, I made y'all a short list so you won't have to pester me so much. These are just some suggestions. I'm gone let y'all pick the mix.

• Fore you go to bed at night, cut one big chunk clean to the quick out the front of your hair.
  
• If you don't drank..start now! If you are worried 'bout the health risk, then give some serious thought to livin' the rest of your life like it is now. Why you so worried bout livin' a long time?
  
• On the other shoe, if you are concerned 'bout how much you drank, that is easy to fix. Switch to V-8 in your morning Bloody Marys for a health kick.
  
• Start carryin' you a shaker full of glitter and just sprinkle it 'round the place whenever thangs start to git dull. You gone be real surprised what a difference that can make.
  
• If you feel an attack of the dailies comin' on...you just stop what you are doin' and start dancin' to the best song you can find in your head. Awww, come on..you know all your favorites is there somewhere! Sing along if thangs are really lookin' grim.
  
• Every body talks to their animals. But start answering fer 'em in a voice you thank suits 'em.
  
• Y'all, finally, and maybe most important........ do somethin' nice fer somebody else at least once a day. You know that is another way that I am blessed. Bein' in the service industry and havin' a good bidness built on referalls, I git several opportunities to do that every day. Try makin' some one else happy and you will see that it makes you feel good too.

Baby, you make me happy when you come by here to see me. I sure do appreciate you and I hope you know that. Hey, Darlin', while you are up, would you mind bringin' me that pitcher of V-8 and Absolut? Fetch us two glasses, Shug. We gone git this day started oft right.

Y'all come on...we're goin' to the happiest place I know!

Baby, we only got what..7 or 8 days left till Halloween? If we don't git our shoppin' done now, we not gone have a chance of beatin' them hoarders. So come on, drank up. There is plenty more where we're goin'. This is your lucky day, Shug. I am fixin to carry you to the happiest place in Petty Point!

It's called Frank's Package Store. But let me tell you what. It is so much more than that. Besides the booze, the thang that makes me look so forward to visistin' there is Frank! I'll have you know, he's an ex pro baseball player who is still a home run every time with me. He's by far the most successful bidness man in town - my Won Ton don't count cause he's just a baby. With me bein' by far the most successful bidness woman in town , it's fair to say that Frank and me share a special bond. Let me tell you flat out, you can look at him all you want to. But iffin his rock solid 30 year marriage to that wonderful lady ever busts up-I'm first in line. So, don't git no ideas. Do you hear me? Aright, nuff said.

We got to load up on all variety of half pints to pass out to the children at Halloween. Last year, Jack Daniels was a big hit with the older critters while the younger ones prefer something smoother like Baileys. I mean to tell you we had a line to our trailer that stretched past the city limits. Thank the Lawrd we got us my new company van to haul it all back to Won Ton Estates. That's gone save us a heap a time.

Then we got to run by and git us a huge mess of hermit crabs and goldfish to pass out long with the half pints. Course, we'll need cases and cases of Marlboro Ultra Light 100s. We can purchase them next door from Frank's son, Phillip. He's a good lookin' boy in his own right. Step it up, Bunnytail. We ain't hardly gone have time to tie lil orange and black ribbons round the necks of all the bottles. What in the hell you doin' in there? Naaaw, Baby! We don't need no water for them gold fish nor crabs. We gone hand 'em out dead and save kids the heartache of killin' 'em they own selfs. You know, Hon....sometimes I wonder 'bout you....

Y'all, Halloween falls on the 31st this year.

Hey, Darlin'....how you doin' today? Good, Hon. Sure seems like Mondee rolls round real regular like. I could swear we just had us a Monday 'bout a week ago. But, it says Mondee rat thare on the newspaper so, I guess it's back like a boomerang. I reckon my mind has been kindly truant lately 'cause Halloween damn near slipped up on us. Course, I ain't got too much more decoratin' to do since I never took the stuff down from last year. I'm always lookin' fer ways to save time like that.

You know, Babe. I am bout tarred of lookin' at punkins. Now, I don't mean no offense by that. I'm just not the type a gal who wants to be like ever body else. So here at this trailer, we gone start usin' bananas fer Halloween and I'm switchin' punkins to Christmas. Let's see iffin we can't start us a trend. Y'all up for it?

Jitters, holdin' your breath ain't a valid suicide attempt!

Let me tell you somethin'....I am on a short fuse today, Hon. I'd like to take a vacation -or a whole lot of Vicodin. But, ain't nobody here to steer this ship of fools I'm sailin. Pass me a fistfull of them nerve pills and that brown bag to breathe into, Baby. Here I go to hyervenrtilatin' again. While you are up, fetch me that bottle of Wild Turkey on top of the curio cabinet. And git me a straw too, please. There ain't no rest fer the weary, Sugar.... let me see can I pull myself together. Yeah, that's better. Thank you. Come set here with me a minute while my nerves git steady. I love you, Darlin'. I don't tell you that often nuff. You got the cutest smile...I'm feelin' better already.

You know what set me oft today? No. It's that gotdam troll of an albatross, Jitters, again. She is the thorn in my side. For those of y'all who are just tunin' in here...I reckon I'll do a quick recap on who Jitters is since I can't figure out how to make one of them links you could easily click on that would carry you back to where she's mentioned before. I'll make it quick 'cause that gal wastes nuff a my life as it is. Jitters is my bunkmate from when we was in the circus together. She is a dwarf, only 3 foot tall, with a flat head and dentures. Back in the day, she got shot out of a cannon a few times every show and she's still real jumpy. That there is a photo of her up top. I had to take the words oft so this blog wouldn't git rated. Anyhoo, everything always goes her way. She married a midget named Giggles after he knocked her up with triplets. We ain't seen him since, lucky man. Jitters is 5 months along now and she was makin' good money at Hooters and doin' midget wrestlin' on the side. But, she's got an entilement complex and found a way to collect disability. That's been the worse thang ever happen to me.

Now she sits on her cushy tookus, which is comin' up on damn near 4 feet wide, over to her doll house and pesters me constantly by celleca phone to do her biddin'. I am bound to her servitude 'cause of somethin' she knows 'bout me that could ruin my stellar reputation if it ever got out. Now, she is no longer ambulatatable,that means she can't git up, I got to do every thang from cut the lights on and oft to put her in and out of the tub. I hate her like hives. I'd rather take a whack from a sack of pool balls than deal with her. But there ain't no way out of it fer now. I've computated on killin' her every day since I known her. Somethin' holds me back fer some reason

I do see a glimmer of hope here lately. She's been threatin' to commit suicide. Threats of suicide usually bore me, but hers have got me thinkin. Not many folks know this but, when you ain't able to git around fer yourself, it sure cuts down on your suicide options. I've tried to help her out by leavin' loaded pistols by her bedside and bottles of poison and rat pellets every where within her short reach. I left her in the tub fer 3 days but she survived on bar soap and tap water. She just called and threated to hold her breath till she died. If only that would work! Until she gets serious, I'm fraid there ain't too much more I can do to help her, much as I'd like to.

Read this blog or you must not love the Lawrd.

Hey, Darlin'.....I got to 'pologize fer bein' a lil tough on you yesterdee. I reckon the sheer stress of bein' all thangs to all people just done cold-cocked me. Livin' the life of a modern day prophet sounds real glamorous , I know. Yeah, Shug, it sure nuff does impress folks at reunions and what not. Well, true, it looks good on ma bidness card....... But, trust me, Babe, you better off stayin' the lowly, unimportant mortal that you are. Not that you got much choice there. You have the luxury of vainly toilin' and festerin' your life away, 'till you leave this world not havin' made one iota of difference bein' here.

But, when you got so many possibilities, as I do, it's like bustin' rocks to stay focused on the task set before you. There is so much fer me to accomplish, it can git overwhelmin' at times. That map I put up over yonder, started me to feelin' guilty 'bout them lost souls roamin' round out there in Yankee states I ain't never even thought 'bout till now. My friend, Chat Blanc, I call her Kitty, pointed out to me this mornin' that the map don't show all my readers in Hell! Half my hits come from there! And the comments I git from those folks would tear you up. It's too late fer me to be of much help them now. I did pull some strings and git 'em a water cooler. But it breaks my heart to tell 'em that I can't come git 'em. Even I ain't got that kind of influence.

So, Hon, here's what I decided. I ain't gone qwit bein' a modern day prophet, even though the pay is lousy and it is a tall order most days. But evangalism just don't fit into my schedule right now. I am a single mother with several bidnesses to run and I just can't be fritterin' away my time huntin' down lost souls. So, they gone have to find me. I will be rat here in Petty Point at the Won Ton Estates, which is as close to Hell as I am plannin' on goin'.

Ohio needs me.

Look a here.....Y'all ain't never seen me mad. Let me tell you what, it don't flatter me none a'tall. Don't flinch, I'm not there yet, but I can see it from here , and I feel mad comin' on.....Course, I'm not mad at you, Darlin'. Can't imagine you ever settin' me oft, long as you do what I tell you to. I love spendin' time with you. It's them other people, or the lack of 'em, that put a bee in my bonnet.

You recall, yesterdee when I told you I done uploaded that map over yonder to the right - with my own bare hands? That there is some fancy contraption that colors in red where folks have sense enough to read my blog... go head on and take you a peek. I'll wait. .....back now, Babe? See what is gettin' me in a tizzy? Just look at America...what in the hell is wrong with some parts of this country? I got two bald spots in the U.S.A! Ain't nobody there gettin' the kind of advice and wisdom they need. Help them find me. They is lost as geese out there.

Now, I got lots of other bald spots on the whole map of the world, I know. But that don't bother me none. Them folks is always asleep durin' the daytime and the majority of don't 'em speak English no way. The ones that do already read this blog...see them red dots? But my fellow brethren, right here in America ,who are not benefitin' from my blog, well, that ain't right. This country is in trouble, my map makes it pretty damn clear why. We got to ban together now. Here's what I'm gone do, and I need your help to do it. In a spirit of brotherly love, we will assume that these poor folks is just unaware that my blog is settin' here waitin' on them. Truth be known, it is perty hard to find, way out in the country like it is. And it don't help matters much that I'm lackin' all the buttons, links and gadgets available to bloggers who are savvy enough to download 'em. That's why I am so gotdam proud of my map-it's the one thing I been able to git up. No comments from the Joons, please. Anyhoo, we is failin' to get the word out without usin' the internet as a crutch -we don't need it! We can git this done on our own.

Y'all, if you don't tell your friends and family in these bald spots to look a here and color in all of America real shortly....I'm fraid I'm gone have to snatch our only new fangled gadget. I am far too great a humanitarian to be reminded that nobody in Colorado, Indiana, Ohio, Oregon, Wisconsin or the Dakotas is makin' life changes due to me. Shoot, I ain't even got nobody in Nevada, for Gawd's sake! Them of all peoples would be lovin' me. If you are a history buff, you know they are the ones that invented prostitution. Nevada is fixin to make me git up oft this recliner and go over there....

I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate you, because I surely do. You know I love you, Shug. But fer the first time in my life, I am settin' here at the trailer tryin' to cook up a scheme to help the out the Yankees.... this map ain't good fer me, y'all. But I am willin' to leave it up there for a bit longer than one day for the sake of our beloved country, iffin you will do your part. Let's us try a good old fashioned grass roots campaign and git this map colored in. I got high hopes and I am countin' on y'all. You better git to it, cause like I said, I can see mad from here. I don't want to have to tell y'all this twiced, aright? Turn that map red on the United States part- now. Thanks, Hon. I knew I could count on you. Come here, Darlin', you look like you could use a hug.

This here is proof that you cain't out give the Lawrd.

Darlin, I am so excited that I ain't even gone try to make you take one of your pitiful rim shots at guessin' what happen today. I will just flat out tell you I am lucky to be so blessed. You know, how I done got my driver's license back after it had been revoked followin' my 13th D.U.I? Don't git me started on the legal system, Babe, I am in a real good mood.... Anyhoo, so now I can drive in broad daylight and not even give a rat's biscuit if a cop sees me, right? As if that was not enought of a relief...I showed up for my part time gig at The Pony and guess what. Ohhhhh, aright, I was just havin' a lil fun with you. I'm gone go 'head on and spring it.... THEY UP GIVED ME A COMPANY VAN! It's all mine for the drivin' and the company pays the gas too. Do you computate the meanin' of this here, Hon?

Now, when it comes time for carpool, I will fit all of my joons in that there rig. Not a single one will have to hoof it back to the trailer. We ain't gone have no child left behind! It just goes to show you, Shug. We may be toilin' away, feelin' unoticed and unappreciated. Like I've said, it ain't easy bein' all things to all people, but such is my lot in life. Still, I (usually) do my best and git up ever day(fer the most part) tryin' to do the right thang (when it suits me). Sure is nice to know that Gawd is watchin' and rewardin' those of us who do His biddin'..... and here I was feelin' so down 'bout havin' kilt Foghorn Leghorn. I reckon this is His way of sayin', "Well done, you good and faithful gal." Kindly gits me choked up. Like when I watch me some Joel Osteen.

"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word. You can qoute me.

Hey, Darlin. You aright this evenin? I'm sorry I didn't holler at you none today. It's Two -fer -Toosdee, so Won Ton had me double booked at the Golden Age...man, those geezers go through some WD-40. Then I had to teach ma Pole Dancin' class down to the Wreck Center. And it was oft to chair the P.T.O. meetin' at We Are Better Than You Academy.... I was just as busy as a one armed wall- paper hanger. Course, I was thinkin' bout you the whole time.

Anyhoo, all my Joons sure took the news of my commitin' ornithological homicide real hard. I ain't sure why they got so worked. They can still see ole Foghorn on Boomerang anytime. You know, Babe, my line of work is physically demandin' but it does give me a lot of time to think. I am feelin' somethin' I reckon you'd categorize as "Killer's Remorse". That ain't been no problem for me till now. So, bein' proactive, I decided I would make up a list of things I never regret doin'-no matter how many times I done 'em. Maybe it will be of some help to you, my bein' a modern day prophet and all.


THINGS YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA REGRET HAVIN' DONE


1 BUYIN' MORE LIQUOR OR BEER.

2. BRUSHIN' YOUR TEETH, OR SOMEONE ELSE'S.

3. TAKIN' YOU A B.C. POWDER.

4. FILLIN' UP YOUR GAS TANK.

5. BUYIN' MORE TOILET PAPER.

6. TRIMMIN' YOUR TOENAILS.

7. GOIN' TO THE BATHROOM.

8. NOT EATIN' ANYTHING THAT'S DONE PAST IT'S EXPIRATION DATE.

9. TOUCHIN' UP YOUR ROOTS.

10. CHANGIN' YOUR SHEETS ON THE FOLD OUT.


It's all real simple stuff, I know. But you can take every last one of 'em to the bank. So, next time you ain't sure what to do... just pick you one from this list and I gaurandamtee that you won't have to say, " I wish to Gawd I hadn't done that!" Now, what you say you and me get rip roarin' drunk, black out all the winders in your Bad Ass Nissan truck and wheel 'round town with no headlights on?

I don't know whut comed over me.....I jist kindly snapped.

Hey, Hon.....how you doin' this evenin'? Naaaw, I ain't cryin', Darlin'. My allergies is just actin' up....probly causin' my eyes to look like two burn holes in a blanket.....Hey! No comments from the Peanut Gallery, Joons. Y'all git, fore I whip you ... Scuze me a minute, Hon, while I discipline my children.... Joons, y'all go work on that mosaic we started makin' out of chewed up bubble gum at craft time this mornin....that oughta keep you outta what 's left of my hair for a minute! And which one of you bastards hid my Gin? How many times do I have to tell you -that there AIN'T funny? Specially when y'all put it in the tank of the toilet EVERY gotdam time. For Pete's sake, use your magination, or qwit playin' tricks on your broke down excuse for a mother.... I'm all you got, so deal with it! Lawrd, is there any wonder why my uterus escaped from my body? Damn near worked myself to death for you people and this is the kind of pranks I get? Now, not a peep from y'all. Mama's got company!

Anyhoo, Babe, I'll be ahright.....don't worry bout me none... oh, Shug, you know good and well ,I can't lie to you. Truth be told, I done somethin' today that I'm plum shamed to tell. Can't recall many times in my life feelin' this way. You won't think so highly of me when you find out what I gone and done did. Set down, Babe , let me fix you up a plate of drumsticks while they is good and hot......Yeah, I'm glad they are tasty to you. Got more in the cast iron when you're ready, so eat up.

Sugar, I know they say confession is good fer the soul. But, if you'll recall, I done sold my soul a while back.....so what good would confession do me? Well now.... I hadn't thought 'bout that. The yahoo did try to return it! And, yep, we got us a strict "no return" policy that often results in death. That's how Pawn Bidnesses is run. I got several deep freezes full of examples. Hmmm, so you think that means my soul may have reverted back to me? Hon, not many folks know this but, Gawd is a lil behind on his paper work. Hell, He probly hadn't even processed the first transfer of title... Hahaha, I reckon the confession route is worth a try. I couldn't feel no worser. I'll tell you iffin you promise to still love me in spite of my wrong doin'. Awww, there's that smile that melts my butter...

Here goes....You know our tenants, FogHorn and Prissy? Yeah, the Leghorns. We've always gotten long just fine, they have lived on or property for years. Kept their coop up real nice. Foghorn only did the crowing thang at dawn, which is part of their religion. I coached their grandson, Cocky, Jr., on my Rooster Soccer Team, The Green Bay Peckers . We went all the way to State Champs and won this year! They was good , friendly poultry- universally loved by all. The Leghorns always paid their rent on time and in cash. ....until this current financial crisis in our nation. You know, Foghorn Leghorn was a legendary film star. He amassed a fortune in royalties and syndication as well as the money he made from all of his voice over work and selling his image. My Gawd, he was 'bout up there with Elvis. ( Lawrd, I don't mean no blaspheme there 'bout the King.).

I tell you what, the stocks and such bein' what they is now.... Foghorn Leghorn just went Cukoo.....I mean to tell you. He literally thought he was one of them Costa Rican Cuckoo Clocks all the rich folks have. The kind that goes oft every 2 minutes 28 hours a day and 9 days a week. The noise got so bad, some of our more sober tenants started a blog to complain 'bout how he was distubin' the peace here at the Won Ton Estates. They even commenced to such insults as "that Yard Bird" Foghorn. Now, we don't tolerate racial slurs in this here pastoral development. That Avian , Senator Leghorn, was once one of our elected officials and a down pillar to us all. Foghorn was one of them benevolent benefactors, the nice kind, who didn't have to plaster his name on every fricasseed thang he funded, neither. I defended him against them ignerant neighbors we got livin' here mugst us. Went to bat fer him, I did. Put up with the cockadoodaldooin every 2 minutes all day and night long. He was my friend and I respected him.

Till today when I ran out of nerve pills and them kids hid my gin. I couldn't take it no more and I reckon I kindly lost it. I'm glad he is some good eatin' for you, Darlin. I can't bring myself to have a bite.... I'm still beatin' myself up over havin' commited an ornithological murder. I ain't never killed a bird of no kind before, much less an icon. Pass me that gin, would you, Shug. You know, Ole Foghorn was gettin' a smidge long in the beak. His glory days were over and he wasn't much lookin' forward to the future. Maybe it's better that he passed on to his rewards while he was still fondly remembered, if not colloquially, then perhaps universally. His goose really was kindly cooked . Pass me that fresh bottle of gin would you , Babe. Maybe I actually did us all a favor by puttin' him down. the Lawrd works in mysterious ways. Sure is peaceful round here, ain't it? Foghorn Leghorn had more than his 15 minutes of fame. And that's a whole lot to crow 'bout. Gimme one of them drumsticks, would you Shug? You always know just what to say to cheer me right up! This is some mighty good bird. Is it jist me, or can you still hear him jist a carryin' on over there at http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/

Katfish fer Konvikz

Roll up yer sleeves, Shug. I need you to git to cleanin' them fish for me over yonder. Now why would you wear your Sundee go to meetin' clothes 'round here? You know good and well ,we all crash on the lawn down by the Jello pool Saturday night. That way, we are ready for our Casual Sunrise Service here at the Won Ton Estates.

Today is the third Sundee of the month. Guess what that means. No, Silly! It is time for our community involvement project, Katfish Fer Konvikz. It has become somethin' we all look forward to. I tell you what, Darlin'. Every time I've been incarcerated, one of the thangs I missed the most was some fried katfish. Well, one beautiful day, when I was out on parole years ago, we was all out here at the hole fishin'. We caught all we could cook up and they kept on bitin'. So, we made space in the deep freezers and filled them up too, but they was still bitin'. Naturally, we had to keep catchin' em.

Then I got to thinkin' bout all my friends, relatives and customers who were currently doin' time and it struck me clear as lightinin' what to do. So, we fried up them heaps of fish and carried 'em down to the county jail. We all had such a good time ,and it was fun to visit with everybody as they came through the grub line. That's how Katfish fer Konvikz got born. I know it was Divine Intervention and I got to give the Good Lawrd the Glory on that. Don't you know, He loved Him some katfish and I bet that Boy could cook, too!

Anyhoo, Baby. I got to fix up the hushpuppies and slaw while y'all do the fish. Won Ton and Pollock are goin' to be assistin' me so it shouldn't take long. Hey when I was up to the Piggly Wiggly somethin' strange happened. I saw this fella who looked familiar and got to studyin' him. He looked a me for a good minute and said, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" I said, "Well, I reckon I got one of your children." He said, "Oh, do you teach 4th grade?" I giggled and said, "Nawww, Hon. I was the stripper at your bachelor party, member?" I reckon that fella was comin' down with somethin' cause, he turned kindly peaked lookin' and runned oft. Just left his buggy full of groceries settin' rat there. It was good to see him again though. O.K....I'm fixin' to git to it. Thanks, Babe, for all your help today. The Lawrd loves you and so do I, Darlin'.

I want YOU to want ME.

Well, look a here what the coon drug in....Lawrd, I didn't mean for you to stay at Ettaroses' Humor Carnival that long. Seems like you were gone a month of Sundays, Darlin'. And I didn't hear pea turkey from you the whole time neither! Not a text, IM, comment, smoke signal, subliminal communication, not even a frickin Twitter. You know you don't do me that way, Shug. I am a combination sinkhole/tarpit topped with quicksand and you cannot leave me alone with myself for any stretch of time.... I can't handle me! You just 'bout turned me mad, I tell you what.... Awww, did you win that big teddy bear for me? He's awful cute....and so are you. Come here, Darlin'.....you got a lil cotton candy on your top lip.


While you were out kickin' up your heels, I'll have you to know that I got another accolade for this here blog. Nawww, Silly, that's an acolyte! I got tagged...sort of an award. At least someone is validatin' me. No, Shug, it ain't got nothin' to do with parkin' garages. This is somethin' real fun from my buddy Hedon over to Highway Hags http://www.highwayhags.com/2008/10/14/tagged-like-a-rabid-monkey-in-a-quiet-cul-de-sac/ who received it from Decorina at http://decorina.blogspot.com/ .



You got to git to readin' all Hedon's shenanigans. Truck drivers got a real refreshing perspective and an opportunity to see a slew of things most of us don't. That blog makes this place look dull. And check out the other blogs linked in that post....good stuff. Guess where Hedon and me hooked up. Ding Ding !! We have a winner! Finally you guessed something right, Shug. Sure enough it was up to Humor Bloggers http://www.humorbloggers.com/ . I am so blessed.



Now this is how the deal works. I'm supposed to tell y'all 7 thangs y'all didn't know bout me. Well, there ain't much I haven't told you but I been thinkin' and here's what I came up with:



1. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem without takin' it out my mouth.

2. I have ridden' round the luggage conveyor belt in several airports.

3. I can really take a punch.

4. I've come a long, long way...I really, really have.

5. Growin' up, the Catholic Church near my home back in Arizona chose me to be the Virgin Mary for their live Nativity Scene 5 years in a row.

6. They stopped asking me after, Jake, the Dingo I was dating came to see me. You can guess what he did with the Christ Child.

7. I just gave myself a tattoo of a mudflap girl in honor of Hedon. Thanks, Hedon.



And now, to tag the next round of folks...They too will be asked to list 7 things and then pass it on to 7 killer blogs. So, here they are in random order....

Ve's Fantastical Nonsense. Like I told him, any man that owns pawn shops and has gnomes on his banner is my kind of guy. I race over there to add to his gaggle of comments. I've even logged on to him before I've had my Bloody Mary! He is a riot. You'll love him. Ve is on my short list of "Men to marry next". Gnome sayin'? He's on Humor Bloggers but needs to visit us more....he shouldn't be so stingy with his genius.
http://vehow.blogspot.com/

My friend, Dano, at Mental Motes. No doubt, she is one of the coolest, most interesting people on this lil blue marble (I'm tarred of people sayin' "on the planet" let's make that over now, k?). We are lucky to be livin' at the same time she is . Lemme tell y'all, you will really miss someone awesome if you don't git to know her and start checkin' her out regular like. Heart you, Dano. http://danomacnamarrah.blogspot.com/


Next up is my girl, Terri. I call her Terri 'cause she favors Terri Garr. We met through a mutual friend and just hit it right oft. She cracks me up and I love the way she can give everything a lil twist..she surprises me every time. It was her Birthday this week and we had a blast. And, hey, guess what. Yes! She just joined Humor Bloggers! Go, head, Terri...lovin' you and meanin' it.
http://www.writingquietsthevoicesinmyhead.blogspot.com/

Jamie, Humor Blogger and that Hussy of a Housewife whose Suburban can drive over your Mini-Van. Look out because she is always drunk and full of pills. She's had a supa crazy week pinch hittin' for Soccer Mom's Blog. Go see what Jamie is up to and ask her if she got them test results back yet. She is pure D nutball and I mean that in a yummy way....You rawk, Jamiekins! Cute as a ladybug, she is. http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/

Angie.....you're beautiful....and a Humor Blogger. Actually it is Angie who pimped my site..round of applause!!!!! Is she not da bomb? Not only that, she is ninja funny! She will kut you up and you won't know it till you try to walk oft and your leg stays put. Her blog looks righteous and her posts really are deadly. I check it way too much to see if I missed somethin'. Be sure to look at the monkey video. I am indebted to you forever for all your help and..Angie...I still love you, Baby..... http://www.cupofsnarky.com/

Jeffman. Fellow Humor Blogger. On my short list of "Men to marry next". He is from some country called Jolly old England. I studied a map and I don't see it. He makes me laugh real hard even with the language barrier. Iffin you have a party, you gonna want this dude there. He sleeps a lot though and claims that it is a different time where he lives- wtf? I worry 'bout him a smidge. http://notwhatitused2be.com/

John J. Savo. Humor Blogger. Author and Auctioneer. Also one of my future husbands. He has some of the funniest stuff to come from the things he sees in his line of work. But, what made me stumble all over him was his dawg post this week. I will pull that out and laugh out loud for many years to come. I'm sold! http://authoringauctioneer.com/

K, I'm bendin' the rules just a bit to squeeze in two more shouts....Hedon, don't Indian give my tag! Chelle B. is the founder and Queen of Humor Bloggers and my cyber BFF. In her spare time she does this lil number and I tell you what..tread lightly. She is armed. Chelle, who loves you?
http://www.offendedblogger.com/

And a holla to my friend Joe, the grumpiest old geezer to vetch 'bout anything that crawls crost him. He is a coot and a hoot. Plus, he takes me to Denny's for the Early Bird. He has coupons! I have already married Joe once, but I might be up for another round. And yes, he's a Humor Blogger too. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/

So,that ought to give you somethin' to do this fine Saturday mornin'. Take it easy today, 'cause when I git oft work we are goin' out some place fancy like Applebee's. What you say, Hon?

Do me a favor right quick, would you, Hon?

Hey, Babe.... dayum you sure lookin' good today. I wished I had more time to visit, but I got some bidness needs takin' care of now. Listen, Darlin', you member a while back when I posted that story 'bout my childhood and how I was adopted and raised by wolves? Yeah, you don't forget a trick, do you, Shug? Well, I was supposed to be havin' all kinds of fancy links and gadgets and what nots up in here all week tellin' you to go over there to Ettarose's wonderful site and read all the other entries and jack up my the hits on mine. I have failed you again, Babe. How long must you suffer because of my inadaquacies? When I learn me how to get us all them links, htmls, widgets, wingdings, gadgets and all day suckers over here, we are really gonna have this thang wired. Till then, would you mind go havin' a look see over at Ettarose and laughin' real hard at all the entries. I promise you, it will be no chore. Just click on that blue thang right thare and, if you hold your mouth right, it's gonna magically transport you to the Humor Carnival!

http://ettarose-edgeofsanity.blogspot.com/ I'm gonna holler at y'all later and see what you thank. Come back here later, 'cause I got some real good news I want to tell you 'bout! O.K. Darlin' thanks for helpin' me out....love you too, Muffinhead.

K, Honey, I didn't mean you need to ALWAYS use your head

Hey, Darlin'....you o.k. this afternoon? Well, good, Sugar...that just pleases me me like punch. Me? Oh, I'm good as gold, Hon. Yeah, got a few bitch bites on me from when I was hoistin' Jitters out the tub. She's all bent out of shape 'cause she claims I left her in there so long she had to eat a bar of Zest. I hope that troll gits the trots. You know, Babe, it ain't easy bein' all things to all people. Still, that is my lot in life and Lawrd knows I ain't complainin' none. I'm just a lil weary today.

Sweetstuff, hand them Marlboros. I got somethin' I need to discuss with you. Nawww, Hon. You ain't in no type of hot water with me....less you was wantin' to be. Babe, let's do that later, after we git this talk over with. Listen, Lovebug, I'm 'fraid I might have cornfused you a bit when I put that side bar up yonder to the left there bout usin' your head. Yeah, I can see now that I should have gone into more detail. I apologize for my oversight and I fixin' to see can't I set you straight here and now. See, Hon..there are times when usin' your head is a good thang. Like in that picture up there in the corner. Now, only a fool would stand in front of an explosion and take a photo with his fancy phone. Am I right, Babe? O.K. fair enough, iffin he lived through he could stand to gain a good bit from the picture by sellin' it to one of them tabloids you xacly right..... Another day, you and I are gonna have a set down 'bout somethin' called "calculated risk". Fer today, what you say we focus on when to use your head and when not to use your head....all right, Punkin? That fella in the photo should have turned tail and rund oft - come Hell or water. He wasn't usin' his mellon to git his own self out of danger. Gawd knows we've all been there.

Then there's times when it is best NOT to use your head. I have found a few good examples, but this is by no means an exhaustive list. Still, we can learn somethin' from these gentlemen up top here. Not many people know this, but condoms are not meant to be put on your big head -ever- not even just for a joke. If you find yourself in a situation where you simply can't avoid puttin' a condom on your big head - do not spray nitrous oxide up in there too! K, Hon.... do you think you can remember that? I'm not goin' too fast for you am I , Babe? All right, 'bout the fella who ate his own underpants so he could avoid a drunk driving charge. Let me tell you from experience, that never works. Just don't waste your time on that. Now see that dude with the back of his head tattooed? I did that to him back when I had my parlour. I'm ashamed to see it now, what a crappy job! That must have been when I was strung out on Afrin. The point is, it would have been better had he not used his head.

You catchin' on, Shug? I thought you would. I tell ya what, you are sharper than most. I'm fixin' to fire up that hot tub while you watch this instructional video about one more time it's best not to use your head. When you finish, you meet me in there....there's gonna be a pop quiz.

http://itsfunnyhoney.com/video/407/baseball_head_shots

fall fashion forecast from wal-mart

Hey, Shug, how you doin' today? Grab us a couple a Pabst out the fridge and come on out here on the stoop with me and visit a minute. I've been missin' you somethin' awful. Ahhhh, don't you just love this time of year? It's always been my favorite too. There is a lil chill in the air and the leaves git to changin'. Puts a pep in your step from the git go, don't it? One of the thangs I look forward to is seein' what styles are comin' up for Fall. Hahaha ...Oh, Babe, I know there's a tinge of irony 'bout what a clothes horse I am...considerin' my profession' and all. Listen, gettin' dressed up and stayin' that way is a real treat to me.


Anyhoo, I don't know why them jet setters fritter their hard inherited dollars drivin' all the way over yonder to Paris and Milan to crane their scrawny necks at them runways. Those folks can't get no better pulse on upcomin' fashion there than I can up to my local Wal- Mart Supa-Center. The fashion world is fickle, and you got to work hard to stay on top of the trends. Now, I am a budget conscious shopper. But I'm blessed with such a flair, that I can see an idea and make it my own for pennies on the dollar. I'm so lucky.



As far as make-up and hair do's go, it seems the natural look is in again. Don't be wastin' your time doin' a whole lot of primpin' and makin' a fuss. The "I just rolled out of bed" look is what it's all about. That's great news for me, Darlin'! As far as the make-up goes, we have two options. One is the "lived in look" where you got mascara streamin' down your cheeks and lipstick smeared generally around the bottom portion of your face and neck. The other is the "natural beauty" where you just go out in all your glory just like the Good Lawrd crafted you. Both are good for bidness in my book.


As far as clothin' goes... comfort continues to be a theme that has carried over for several seasons. Simply put, "If it ain't comfortable 'nuff to sleep in, it ain't comfortable 'nuff to put on." Again we see a a simplicity in designs void of niggling details like zippers or buttons. Belts were banished years ago. Why, even footwear is crafted with this hallmark. I will say, it's past Labor Day, so it is time to put away those flip flops and don your tube socks and house shoes. Why not finish the the theme with a stained, tattered housecoat and curlers? Or for a special evening look, trade those gym shorts in for clingy sweatpants and top it oft with a sweatshirt depictin' your favorite Looney Tunes character?


Lastly, I'll say that a must have for men of a certain genre is a pair of panty hose with the legs cut oft. This is the latest vogue in millinery and you will be the shiz! Don't forget to tie the leg holes oft in two knots on top of your noggin. What a smart look. On a similar note, ladies get in the game with a Wal -Mart bag cleverly placed atop their heads...the handles tied in a classic bow. All in all, it is an exciting Fall season. Now, what you say you come on into the trailer and help me figure out what to wear to my friend girl's birthday party? Oh, it is gonna be so much fun.... I got a pair of fish nets in there and I am fixin' to make you a hat... go give her a shout at
http://www.writingquietsthevoicesinmyhead.blogspot.com/

Simple home remedies and plain ole good advice

Darlin', set down.....I got to get somethin' oft my chest here. It's come to my attention that I have failed you and I want to start now makin' ammends. It's not fair of me to be so stingy with all the wisdom and knowledge that I have gleaned through my experiences. I am gonna start makin' a point of tryin' to guide y'all in the right direction . Y'all are lost as geese, just honkin' and flappin' out there and as much as it tickles me to watch you, I've got to start helpin'. The point is, Honey, you are right special to me. The Lawrd has put us together for a reason. Not many people know this, Babe, but the Lawrd is a Busy Man. So, He's got folks like me down here that he is countin' on to pick up the slack. It's a heavy cross to bear, but I if Moses did it, so can I. Before you go whinin' to Him 'bout this, that and the other...y'all read my simple guidelines and home remedies and see if it don't solve most of your woes. Plus, you can post a comment to me and I will git right back to y'all.....I'm just sayin' you don't exactly git that kind of service from the Big Guy! Here a starter list, K? See if you can guess which pictures go with what advice cause I ain't smart enough to line 'em up. I'm not God, but I might be the best you've got.

1. When you win the lottery, and you will, spend the money wisely like these folks did.



2. Swimmin' in an oil spill is a great cure for poison ivy.



3. If you get to chokin' on an ice cube, drink a cup of boilin' water. Problem solved.



4. Avoid home injuries by lettin' other folks do the dangerous tasks.



5. Gasoline and a bic lighter cures head lice forever.



6. If you are supposed to be home by a certain time and know it ain't gonna happen...turn all the clocks back 'fore you leave.



7. Hammers work better than alarm clocks for heavy sleepers, try it!



8. If you have unrelentin' pain in some part of your body, drive a nail into another part and you will forget about the part that was hurtin' so bad before.



9. Think long and hard 'fore you let anyone hog tie you and put you in a trunk or unmarked van.

10.Plan ahead or quit your bitchin'. I reckon that's enought to cover fer today. I don't want to overwhelm y'all. Keep in mind that I am here to help you in anyway I can, Sweetie...... We can talk 'bout anythin' here! You keep your nose clean and I will holler at you later. Who loves you, Babe? That's right....Eve does.

It's too late, Baby..now it's too late...

Hey, Darlin'! I am in a whole lot better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Yep, I've calmed down considerable. You know, a harrowin' near death experience never fails to give me some clarity. I realize now that I overeacted to the house boat capsizing...it's not that big a deal, really. Silly me! Once I knew I was going to live, I was overwhelmed with worry 'bout havin' to tell Slick that Baby and me done ruint his fancy boat. I holed up there at the trailer nekkid and shiverin' while fear set up like concrete in my tummy. Now Y'all, I strive to be a good role model for all my Joons. I'm forever preachin' to 'em that when there is no possible way to weasel out of a problem, then you've just got to face it head on. This was a good case in point, and I decided to take the opportunity to teach my kids a life lesson. So, they fixed me up a pitcher of Bloody Mary's and fetched me a bag to breath into. Some of 'em took my wet boots oft while I popped nerve pills and got myself together. With that, I walked over to Slick's trailer thinkin' bout what a good example I was settin' for my children, skeered as I was. Well, guess what. No.

You are not going to believe my luck.....I can't hardly wrap my mind 'round it my own self. I banged on that trailer door and didn't hear nothin' comin' back at me. My nerve pills were kickin' in so I gave it a push. Guess what I saw. Nawww. Slick was there in his recliner - dead as a hammer. I know what you are thinkin', Shug. Why am I so lucky? Hon, your guess is as good as mine.

I took a quick look around and saw that Slick had made a common mistake. He set oft 42 D-Con Roach Bombs 'round the trailer and then fell asleep. Not many people know this but, when you set them thangs oft, it is not good for a person to stay inside. Be sure to leave your trailer when y'all use those bug bombs-and don't forget to take your children and pets with you. So many lose their lives this way each year. I wish they would have a public service announcement or somethin'. Anyhoo, I reckon you can infer that I didn't have to tell him 'bout the house boat afterall. Just goes to show you that most of the thangs we git ourselves all jacked up about never come to pass no way. Specially when the Lawrd is clearly on your side like He is on mine.

Baby is still over in the yard hollerin' and carrin' on. The kids and I always get a kick out of a stumblin' ramblin' drunk-long as it ain't me. I told him to git, but he won't listen. Some of the Joons are fixin' up some balloons filled with battery acid to pitch at him. That usually does the trick. You know what, Hon? I think I'm threw with him. I'll check on y'all later. Lovin' you...

When I say, "Rock Steady", I mean it!

Well, last night ended badly! It was the perfect evening for a while.... moonlight, Lynyrd Skynyrd, good buzz goin', the smell of Avon Skin So Soft and Crisco, whispers and giggles, nekkidness....just the two of us all alone out on Slick's houseboat that I had borrowed till dawn. It was the kind of stuff lastin' memories are made of -course, I am always too drunk to remember 'em. But you get the idea.

Anyhoo, it was goin' along just fine and we moved our lil party for two up to the top of the house boat. It was workin' for me until Baby started gettin' all jiggy! I told him to settle down 'cause that boat was already listing to the side pretty bad. Some things are better saved for dry land. Would he listen to me? Oh, Heyall to the no! He just kept right on goin'. I've spent a lot of time on the water and I do have a Ph.D in Physics. The center of gravity on that boat is too high to accommodate much rockin'. I kept screamin' over AC/DC's " You shook me all night long". That man just went on pretendin' not to hear me, I wish I had a dollar for everytime that's happened..... oh, wait, I do. So much for me ever tryin' to relax and enjoy my off time!

Yep, we were goin' down - and not it a fun way. The whole boat started capsizin' just like I predicted, and we found ourselves upside down underwater in the trailer part of the house boat. Still, Baby was like the gotdam band from the Titanic! Sometimes I can be really selfish. Judge me if you will, but I just was not willing to drown so that he could have a good time. I got myself out of that boat, dog paddled up to the bank and stomped back to my trailer. I'm still mad as a wet hen. The only good news is that Baby wanted me to leave my boots on so, at least I've still got those. I am not talkin' to him for at least 2 hours! And I don't care how loud he carries on out there or how many rocks he throws at the window. That's how mad I am. Now, I got to go break the news to Slick and I don't have a good feelin' 'bout that. Men!

Baby, come quick, the hot dogs expire tomorrow!

Hey, Shug...This week has been like nine miles of bad road for us. We have been pulled through a keyhole and it's left us a lil distant. It's all my fault.... I've been ripppin' n runnin', just flat out 90 to nuthin. You're still ornery 'bout me havin' to cancel our date to the Monster Truck Pull. Lord knows I don't blame you- specially after you got me that classy Dale E. Jr. mini dress to wear with them fancy man-made leather thigh- high boots and the slightly imperfect fishnets. Sweetness, you are so good to me. I don't know what I could have done to deserve your thoughtfulness. What do you see in me I'll never know.

Darlin', listen... I got that whole get up on right now and nobody's gonna take it oft me this time 'cept you. Plus, I have somethin' real special fixed up for us over here. Hahaha! Well, let me tell ya... I gave all my Juniors and Juniorettes a double shot of that BeenAdryl. That's French for "See y'all tomorrow 'round noon." Won Ton is in Vegas at a Poker tournament and Pollock got into my Zanax again. Trig is down for the count....I was just thinkin' maybe we could finally have some real alone time....yep, just you and me, for real.

I have fired up the grill and got us a big bag of Cheetos. I mixed us up an Igloo of Rum n Coke and I am just waitin' on you, Babe. We can dine under the utility lines, skinny-dip in the Jello pool... and then, I got a real surprise for you, Baby! Well, it wouldn't be much a surprise iffin I told you, now would it? Hahaha, O.K. I had a chat with Slick and he agreed to let me borrow his yacht till sunrise! Now, LoveBug, don't go worryin' bout how I talked him into that...... I have my ways. What you say you get that cute tail of yours over here for our own three hour cruise? All right, Hon. Hurry, cause them fishnets is itchin' me real bad....