WtF wEdNesDeE?

Hey, Hon, I was jist thinkin' bout you! Sure enough, I was fixin' to give you a buzz. You always stop by at the right time. Aww, you like the new doorbell? Good, cause I got one fer you too! Folks around here has run me down nine miles of bad road and back. They 'bout knocked the shiny oft me. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Gin and juice, then we can have us a nice visit. Yep, Baby 2.0 is nice to have around. Thanks, Hon, he does look good on me, don't he? He's workin' out just fine, that there was one of my better ideas.


All the Joons is out back whackin' at WD-40 cans and playin' dodge the ice pic. So, they shouldn't bother us none for a while. Tell me how you been doin' and don't leave nothin' out. Your mama and them aright? I saw she cut her Christmas lights on. Real perty. You know, she is smart jist to leave all her decorations up all year. Tell her I asked bout her. Hope the swellin' has gone down in her ankles some and her hair is growin' back. How'd Bubba, Jr.s' parole hearin' go? Well, you holler at me soon as y'all hear.


Oh, Lawrd, Satan's still ringing my phone out my pocket. Turns out a slew of them dyslexic peoples signed up for Listmas. They thought they was loggin' onto one of Santa's websites where you was garanteed to git everythang you want. People magazine said readin' stuff wrong is a part of bein' dyslexic and Cher is one of 'em. "Satan" and "Santa" ain't far oft even fer folks that can read good. It's a big mix up but, what do you expect from the author of confusion? I know he did it on purpose, put pictures of Santa all over the website. Hell no, he's not gone let the dyslexics out of their contracts. He said no body reads the fine print, but these folks was jist a bonus. I know, Darlin', Satan is mean. He did say fer me to be sure and tell you hello and that he's real lonely. Don't fall fer it.


Hey, Hon. Let me ask you somethin'. A lot of my blogger friends got lil games they play on certain days of the week. You know, caption contests and what not. Bein' that I ain't real computer literate, I'm kindly limited on the fun we can have here. But, I been studyin' on a new idea. You tell me how you like it and be truthful now. I was gone call it "WTF Wednesdee?" I figured I could usually post it on Wednesdees, but that ain't cast in stone. Maybe I'm the only one who's got thoughts that rattle around in my mind like loose change in the dryer. What if nobody else has anything that makes 'em say "WTF?" several hundred times a day.? WTF would be up with that? Well, let's jist run it up the flagpole and see....

• PeOPle WhO aRe TyPinG LiKe ThIs. hAS AnYoNE SeEn iT bUt mE? HeLp mE uNdErsTaNd WtF iS gOinG oN hErE.




• LOLCats. I know I'm gone be steppin' on some paws here, but they don't make me LOL. Maybe, chuckle to myself. CTMCats, that's better.




• Folks who want to go on and on 'bout their busy-ness. When did bein' busy become a contest? I'd like to go on record as sayin', "You win, you are so much busier than me! No need to provide me any proof."




• Directory assistance. When I call 411 it is 'cause I am too lazy to look up a phone number in the book. Now that robot lady is gettin' so chatty with all her questions, she 'bout to be more trouble than she's worth.




• Christmas cards that is sent with the sole purpose of makin' the recipient feel like an ugly, loser livin' it abject poverty. Iffin you don't know what I'm talkin' bout, maybe you is one of the folks who send 'em out.

http://kotaku.com/5088488/second-life-marriage-ends-the-way-many-real-ones-do That is one I'm gone leave y'all to ponder. I done read it 4 times and I still don't understand. That's my short list fer the first "WTF Wednesdee". Y'all got anything to tell me, brang it on. It's open season on WTF.

Jittters' signature dish : Poke Roll and Grit

Hey, Hon! Git in this trailer and let me hug your neck. It's mighty sweet of you to swing by and keep me company while I'm cookin'. Pass me that ashtray, would you, Darlin? Thank you, Babe...and that bottle of gin too...I sure 'preciate you. I was kindly lonely fore you got here. You is right, Pollock is real handy in the kitchen and monkey in a barrel is a whole lot of fun. He made that nanner puddin' all by hiself. He's real popular round here and I'm glad he's made so many friends. But, monkeys jist can't talk, no matter how hard they try. Look at him over there, fryin' that bacon and sippin' on a Pabst. Is he not the cutest dang thang you ever saw? I jist wish he could do more than sign language and write notes.

Hon, you need to say "Hey" to Baby 2.0 over yonder. Now, Shug, you can't git offended when he don't speak to you......remember the weed eater accident? He can't talk, you know that. But he hears like a bat and he is burnin' up that dry erase board. Look a there, he's scribblin' to you. It's jist kindly quite when all my Joons is out and it's only Baby 2.0, Pollock and me. I'm so glad you stopped by. I know......I don't git bored of lookin' at him neither. Baby 2.0 don't give me one bit of backtalk and he never interrupts me. I love him unconditional, on account of his looks, jist like I did his brother. Till that day he got on my last bald nerve comin' back from Vegas.

So, you want to know what's on the menu for our Thanksgivin' feast? It's the usual fare, same as all folks crost the world is cookin' right now fer their broods. Help me with another headcount right qwick... I got upwards of 20 of my own children. Plus all the people that stay with me till they figure out their callin' and feel motivated to find a niche in life. And all our tenants here at the Won Ton Estates and their family members that is not incarcerated. Then there's all my employees from me and Won Ton's various bidness. Plus all my gals from The Pony, I always include them 'cause strippers git left out of a lot of holidays. So, I got to prepare fer 'bout 13, 462 in all, give or take. I don't know fer sure. And we'll have sundries the cat drags in. Makes it hard to plan. I would hate to run out of food.

Well, last night, my Juniors and Juniorettes helped me fix a big batch of our favorite party mix. Yep, the one with the toasted, broken light bulbs and spicy packin' peanuts. I'll set a lil dish out fer you to snack on now, Shug. It goes real good with Tickled Pank to wash it down..here's a bottle of that and a straw. Oh, all the Joons went out to hunt squirrels, you'll git to visit with 'em shortly. I got the crock pots fired up and ready to go here fer when they come be-boppin' in. I hope all the good squirrels wasn't gotten already, them kids hem-hawed 'round so long.

Anyhoo, we is gone have the other traditional items such as Balonyee Pie, Caramelized Pork Rinds, Chicken Feet (fer luck), bar soap, Big Red Soda, Frito crispy treats, Spamscicles and Underwood Deviled Eggs. Fer the vegetables we got Jello Pool Salad. Kid Rock and Kracker is fixin' that out at the pool, of course. Jitters will be here, as usual. Do you know what that gotdam troll of a albatross has gone and done now? Got herself stuck in a hoola-hoop. Oh, it ain't hard when you is big as a barn like she is. Well, I know she's a midget, but I mean wide as a barn. I hate her like head lice. She's been pesterin' a blister on me to come to her dollhouse and and git the thang oft her. I told her it can wait till she comes over here. Why won't she jist take my offers of assisted suicide? She'd rather stay on this Earth and try to mire me in her misery, that frickin' tar baby. Course, she's gone brang her signature dish, Poke Roll and Grit. Want her recipe? It's real easy. Poke your bottom lip out, roll your eyes and grit your teeth. That's all she ever shows up with.

Well, Darlin'. You talked me through gittin' all that cooked up. My work here is done. Let's you and me go relax. ...Baby 2.o, will you make my friend and me here a thermos of Jack and Coke and brang it down to the pool, Shug? We gone supervise Kid and Kracker on that salad. Oh, and will you build us a fire in the pit too....and fetch us some blankets? And when the Joons git back will you put all them squirrels in the crock pots fer me? Thank you, Baby 2.o, I love you way more than I ever loved your brother.

Can't swing a cat in a circle without hittin' the city limits here, Hon.

Baby, I hate to wake you when you lookin' so peaceful....all nekkid and twisted up on the fold out like that. But, I been thankin. You know , this here town, sometimes I jist feel like maybe it ain't big 'nuff for folks like me that is clearly destined to greatness.... I got a heap of learnin' back when I was in the circus, you been the beneficarary of quite a bit of it.... Nawww, I ain't talkin' bout the trapeze here, but we did have some good times with that. ..What I was ponderin' was this. You can't keep a tiger in a dawg pen, not even one them sturdy kind. Gawd knows I tried. It works fer a while..but one day....that tiger jist won't git back in there. Nuthin you can do to make him neither, less you ain't fond of your extremities.


I reckon what I'm tryin to say, is that I'm feelin' a bit cramped. This town's so dayam small that we ain't got but two houseflies livin' here at any given time. Darlin, in other parts of the country, 3 numbers don't make a zip code. Folks here don't git the flu so they might have an excuse to miss church. Families done nursed grudges so long that their babies is born with 'em.


Course, there are upsides to livin' in a tight knit community. All our homeless folks got nicknames and we know their mamas. There's no need for a stop sign long as the Harrison's continue livin' in their homestead on the busy corner. Melvin Turnupstood does a fine job hollerin' "STOP, BUBBA!"...."NOW, GO, MARY ELIZABETH CATHERINE MATILDA ANN!" whenever the need arises, he surely does..... just like his daddy did before him. And it is nice to have Ima Rednik, the checkout gal up to the Piggly, tell you what you done come in for. Well, I do appreciate the way that whenever tounges is waggin' bout me, they always add, "Y'all, we need to pray for her." That there is priceless.


But, I done made up my mind rat now- fore daylite. That don't happen much, since I ain't an early riser like you seem to be. Git your britches on, Honey. You and me is goin' to Vegas fer the weekend. You heard me... hop to it, Bunnytail. Awww, Darlin'...you jist as cute as you can be, but you sure ain't smart.. You thank fer a gotdam minute that jist by sayin' "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" makes it true? Baby, I tried to git that bill passed a long time ago.It's still settin' there on Capital Hill, but it is still only a bill . What I'm gone say is , "you ain't got to tell everythang you know". Grab that Charles' Chip's can oft the fridge and button your jeans for now. Nawww, this here can is full a cash. Jist one a many of my stashes, you know I don't trust banks. Real quick, Shug...get me a couple bottles of that Champale, we celebratin' this morinin'. Now, hurry for all the Joons wake up....shhhhh. This is gone be some fun. Have I told you lately that I love you, Baby? Well, I ain't got to say it.. you know good and well I do.

It's too late, Baby..now it's too late...

Hey, Darlin'! I am in a whole lot better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Yep, I've calmed down considerable. You know, a harrowin' near death experience never fails to give me some clarity. I realize now that I overeacted to the house boat capsizing...it's not that big a deal, really. Silly me! Once I knew I was going to live, I was overwhelmed with worry 'bout havin' to tell Slick that Baby and me done ruint his fancy boat. I holed up there at the trailer nekkid and shiverin' while fear set up like concrete in my tummy. Now Y'all, I strive to be a good role model for all my Joons. I'm forever preachin' to 'em that when there is no possible way to weasel out of a problem, then you've just got to face it head on. This was a good case in point, and I decided to take the opportunity to teach my kids a life lesson. So, they fixed me up a pitcher of Bloody Mary's and fetched me a bag to breath into. Some of 'em took my wet boots oft while I popped nerve pills and got myself together. With that, I walked over to Slick's trailer thinkin' bout what a good example I was settin' for my children, skeered as I was. Well, guess what. No.

You are not going to believe my luck.....I can't hardly wrap my mind 'round it my own self. I banged on that trailer door and didn't hear nothin' comin' back at me. My nerve pills were kickin' in so I gave it a push. Guess what I saw. Nawww. Slick was there in his recliner - dead as a hammer. I know what you are thinkin', Shug. Why am I so lucky? Hon, your guess is as good as mine.

I took a quick look around and saw that Slick had made a common mistake. He set oft 42 D-Con Roach Bombs 'round the trailer and then fell asleep. Not many people know this but, when you set them thangs oft, it is not good for a person to stay inside. Be sure to leave your trailer when y'all use those bug bombs-and don't forget to take your children and pets with you. So many lose their lives this way each year. I wish they would have a public service announcement or somethin'. Anyhoo, I reckon you can infer that I didn't have to tell him 'bout the house boat afterall. Just goes to show you that most of the thangs we git ourselves all jacked up about never come to pass no way. Specially when the Lawrd is clearly on your side like He is on mine.

Baby is still over in the yard hollerin' and carrin' on. The kids and I always get a kick out of a stumblin' ramblin' drunk-long as it ain't me. I told him to git, but he won't listen. Some of the Joons are fixin' up some balloons filled with battery acid to pitch at him. That usually does the trick. You know what, Hon? I think I'm threw with him. I'll check on y'all later. Lovin' you...

Children's birthday parties for fun and profit.

Well, Baby, that was some birthday party! Set here with me while I count up the money. Let's see, each of my October babies invited 70 guests. So the crowd topped out at 740. Those gotdam cops, and the frickin fire marshal and their silly "occupancy laws". "Fire Hazard" my rickety tookus. They just don't want anyone to have any fun. Hell, we've had more that 2,000 people in this trailer and still had plenty of room-it's a double wide! But I suppose I'll stick to it as long as we are under surveillance. But putting a limit on the crowd really pinched our profit. Anyhoo, with the $5 cover charge, we ended up clearing a little over a grand. Not the kind of money we're used to, but still it doesn't suck. Plus, all 7 of my honorees ended up with about $1,400 in cash and prizes. So, not bad for an afternoon. Boy, having that bulldozer made clean up a breeze! For the November Birthday Bash, I may add a couple of bucks to the cover. All my Juniors and Juniorettes are real smart and none of them picked a December birthday. You come out on the short end of that stick, believe me, they are no dummies.


Anyhoo, Darlin', I want to get your opinion on something. Now I'm counting on you to tell me the truth here. Do you remember yesterday when I was telling you how I have to run a pretty tight ship? Yeah, that's right....you are such a good listener. That's one of many things I love about you. Not many people know this but, children need rules. As a single mother with over 20 of my own kids and God knows how many more who aren't, I do know a good bit about parenting. Do you think I might help some folks if I published some of my Trailer Rules? You know, just to give parents an example of the kind of guidance their young ones need....Do you really? I don't want to sound like a know it all or anything. Well...I guess you are right about my unique experience. Are sure it doesn't sounds like I think I am Dr. Dobson or something. These are just few suggestions that have helped our household run more smoothly. O. K. I'll run them up the flagpole then. Here goes.

TRAILER RULES


1. ALWAYS PUT MAMA'S SHOTGUN BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT.

2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO EAT A GOOD BREAKFAST, SO GET UP IN TIME TO FIX YOURSELF ONE.

3. IF YOU HAVE TO RUN WITH SCISSORS, PUT THE POINT FACING DOWN.

4. ALWAYS ASK IF YOU CAN BE PAID IN CASH.

5. IF YOU COME IN DRUNK PAST MIDNIGHT, BE QUIET.

6. ALWAYS CALL ALL OF MAMA'S MAN FRIEND'S "SIR", NEVER USE A PROPER NAME-EVER! DO YOUR BEST NOT TO SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO.

7. IF YOU HAVE TO LIE, MAKE SURE IT IS A DAMN GOOD ONE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD LIAR!

8. CHOOSE YOUR TATTOOS VERY CAREFULLY.

9. NEVER MARRY ANYONE ON THE FIRST DATE.

10. ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY PER YEAR, PER CHILD.

11. DO NOT WRITE ON ANY ONE'S FACE WITH A SHARPIE.

12. THE FIRST ONE UP BRINGS MAMA A PITCHER OF BLOODY MARYS IN BED.

13. DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO MAMA UNTIL SHE HAS FINISHED HER BLOODY MARYS.

14.DO YOUR BEST TO WORK YOUR PROBLEMS OUT YOURSELF. TELL MAMA ABOUT IT ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

So, those are just a few of the rules we have around here. I know some of them sound a little strict. But, children need well defined parameters. Try it at your trailer. I'd love to hear any parenting tips that you've found helpful too, Hon.

Mama goes to the Head Master's office.

Hey, Sweetcheeks! How has your day been? Good...how's your Mama and them doing? Tell her I asked about her. I'm sorry I haven't written sooner. I finally have a few extra minutes in the stall and I thought I'd give you a shout. My day started real early. When Won Ton brought my Bloody Mary in this morning, I was up and dressed. Already lacquered my legs with that Sally Hansen Airbrush Tan-looks just like real hosiery. Splurged on some Press On Nails. Even used up what was left of my Aqua-Net and Charlie Perfume. Yep, I broke out the Miracle Bra for this meeting-it might take one. Won Ton looked me up and down and said, "Dayam, Mama! You rook hot. Why you so dlessed up? We going to War-Malt or something?" That boy always tickles me pink. I said, "No, Baby. I got to go down and see the Head Master at that upitty school all your brothers and sisters go to for free 'cause y'all are so damned smart." Won Ton said, "Awww, sh*t, what them kids did now? One of the Juniors "Duck" Tape teachel to seat again? I betta go wif you, Mama." He's just a toddler, so I don't correct him when he says "duck" tape, it's too cute. I said , "Well, all right, Babycakes. Run along and change your diaper. Fix Mama another drink while you're up Darlin', and make it a double. It's going to be a long way till noon." Truth is I'm always glad to have him with me-that toot's one stone-cold negotiator and I had no idea what lay ahead.

I went up and down the trailer spraying all the sleeping children with the garden hose- that counts as a bath in my book, Won Ton banged pots and pans behind me. Because of my heritage, I cry wolf a lot. But I mean it this time-all my young have to start hitting the deck around 2:00 a.m.- no matter how much fun we're having!. I hate to be so tough on them, but it's just pure D hell for Won Ton to get them up in the morning. After I fixed a tub full of spicy possum chili, their favorite breakfast, we all loaded up in Gutter Ball's flatbed and headed off to We Are Better Than You Academy. That's a precious picture of us Shugabone snapped. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. Anyhoo, by the time Won Ton and I got to Dr. Uptight Pinhead-Headmaster's office, I hadn't been so nervous since the last time I saw my parole officer......

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