Children's birthday parties for fun and profit.

Well, Baby, that was some birthday party! Set here with me while I count up the money. Let's see, each of my October babies invited 70 guests. So the crowd topped out at 740. Those gotdam cops, and the frickin fire marshal and their silly "occupancy laws". "Fire Hazard" my rickety tookus. They just don't want anyone to have any fun. Hell, we've had more that 2,000 people in this trailer and still had plenty of room-it's a double wide! But I suppose I'll stick to it as long as we are under surveillance. But putting a limit on the crowd really pinched our profit. Anyhoo, with the $5 cover charge, we ended up clearing a little over a grand. Not the kind of money we're used to, but still it doesn't suck. Plus, all 7 of my honorees ended up with about $1,400 in cash and prizes. So, not bad for an afternoon. Boy, having that bulldozer made clean up a breeze! For the November Birthday Bash, I may add a couple of bucks to the cover. All my Juniors and Juniorettes are real smart and none of them picked a December birthday. You come out on the short end of that stick, believe me, they are no dummies.


Anyhoo, Darlin', I want to get your opinion on something. Now I'm counting on you to tell me the truth here. Do you remember yesterday when I was telling you how I have to run a pretty tight ship? Yeah, that's right....you are such a good listener. That's one of many things I love about you. Not many people know this but, children need rules. As a single mother with over 20 of my own kids and God knows how many more who aren't, I do know a good bit about parenting. Do you think I might help some folks if I published some of my Trailer Rules? You know, just to give parents an example of the kind of guidance their young ones need....Do you really? I don't want to sound like a know it all or anything. Well...I guess you are right about my unique experience. Are sure it doesn't sounds like I think I am Dr. Dobson or something. These are just few suggestions that have helped our household run more smoothly. O. K. I'll run them up the flagpole then. Here goes.

TRAILER RULES


1. ALWAYS PUT MAMA'S SHOTGUN BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT.

2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO EAT A GOOD BREAKFAST, SO GET UP IN TIME TO FIX YOURSELF ONE.

3. IF YOU HAVE TO RUN WITH SCISSORS, PUT THE POINT FACING DOWN.

4. ALWAYS ASK IF YOU CAN BE PAID IN CASH.

5. IF YOU COME IN DRUNK PAST MIDNIGHT, BE QUIET.

6. ALWAYS CALL ALL OF MAMA'S MAN FRIEND'S "SIR", NEVER USE A PROPER NAME-EVER! DO YOUR BEST NOT TO SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO.

7. IF YOU HAVE TO LIE, MAKE SURE IT IS A DAMN GOOD ONE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD LIAR!

8. CHOOSE YOUR TATTOOS VERY CAREFULLY.

9. NEVER MARRY ANYONE ON THE FIRST DATE.

10. ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY PER YEAR, PER CHILD.

11. DO NOT WRITE ON ANY ONE'S FACE WITH A SHARPIE.

12. THE FIRST ONE UP BRINGS MAMA A PITCHER OF BLOODY MARYS IN BED.

13. DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO MAMA UNTIL SHE HAS FINISHED HER BLOODY MARYS.

14.DO YOUR BEST TO WORK YOUR PROBLEMS OUT YOURSELF. TELL MAMA ABOUT IT ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

So, those are just a few of the rules we have around here. I know some of them sound a little strict. But, children need well defined parameters. Try it at your trailer. I'd love to hear any parenting tips that you've found helpful too, Hon.

Won Ton over the limit.

Well, y'all won't believe what's happened now! I twittered you earlier about how I was fixing to have to ground my baby, Won Ton, from the online poker games? (If you are not following me on Twitter then you are soooo out of the loop. Click on that bugger and, hopefully, they'll figure it out for you.) Won Ton begged me and said, "No, Mama, it good money! I on a woll....you not cut me off now, Woman." It's no secret that I have a little trouble disciplining that boy. His Godfather, Kid Rock sure doesn't help me much in that department. He spoils that child like raw meat left in a car trunk! But, he's just too damn cute to whip hard enough to matter.

Anyhoo, Won Ton scored a Laundry Service Business and 20G's in this particular round. He beat out some dude by the name of Spider. I'd be willing to bet that Spider's mouth is short a few gold crowns too. I found them in the glovebox of Won Ton's Tonka Nascar. Let me warn y'all here, if you ever play Texas Hold 'Em with my baby-he does not tolerate welchers. He gets all jacked up about that, trust me.

That little toot already called Master Pinhead and got the We Are Better Than You Academy to switch my Junior and Juniorettes uniform cleaning to his account. He says, "Mama, dat bidness dere is worff 3G's a month." As his mother, I worry that he has too much on his plate already. He's just aquired our trailer complex, "Won Ton's Wheel Estates", he's got the chain of Pawn Shop/Plasma Banks, his little matchmaking service, "Won Ton's Tomatoes" and his bail bonding business, "Won Ton's Rive Flee". Won Ton is the author of every fortune cookie message you've read in the past year, he owns 17 Tattoo Parlors too. Plus he's teaching Mandarin Chinese 202 at the University (look at his lesson plan...how cute is that?). His chain of Chinese restaruants "Won Ton's Wok n Woll" is about to start selling franchises. He is very, very busy and misses his afternoon nap almost everyday! He's only 18 months old and not even potty trained. How can he manage yet another business? I'm afraid he is spreading himself too thin. He is so driven and such a perfectionist. As soon as he fixes us a pitcher of Bloody Marys we are going to sit down and have a serious chat. Iam going to have to put my foot down here. I'll let you know how it goes.

Mama goes to the Head Master's office.

Hey, Sweetcheeks! How has your day been? Good...how's your Mama and them doing? Tell her I asked about her. I'm sorry I haven't written sooner. I finally have a few extra minutes in the stall and I thought I'd give you a shout. My day started real early. When Won Ton brought my Bloody Mary in this morning, I was up and dressed. Already lacquered my legs with that Sally Hansen Airbrush Tan-looks just like real hosiery. Splurged on some Press On Nails. Even used up what was left of my Aqua-Net and Charlie Perfume. Yep, I broke out the Miracle Bra for this meeting-it might take one. Won Ton looked me up and down and said, "Dayam, Mama! You rook hot. Why you so dlessed up? We going to War-Malt or something?" That boy always tickles me pink. I said, "No, Baby. I got to go down and see the Head Master at that upitty school all your brothers and sisters go to for free 'cause y'all are so damned smart." Won Ton said, "Awww, sh*t, what them kids did now? One of the Juniors "Duck" Tape teachel to seat again? I betta go wif you, Mama." He's just a toddler, so I don't correct him when he says "duck" tape, it's too cute. I said , "Well, all right, Babycakes. Run along and change your diaper. Fix Mama another drink while you're up Darlin', and make it a double. It's going to be a long way till noon." Truth is I'm always glad to have him with me-that toot's one stone-cold negotiator and I had no idea what lay ahead.

I went up and down the trailer spraying all the sleeping children with the garden hose- that counts as a bath in my book, Won Ton banged pots and pans behind me. Because of my heritage, I cry wolf a lot. But I mean it this time-all my young have to start hitting the deck around 2:00 a.m.- no matter how much fun we're having!. I hate to be so tough on them, but it's just pure D hell for Won Ton to get them up in the morning. After I fixed a tub full of spicy possum chili, their favorite breakfast, we all loaded up in Gutter Ball's flatbed and headed off to We Are Better Than You Academy. That's a precious picture of us Shugabone snapped. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. Anyhoo, by the time Won Ton and I got to Dr. Uptight Pinhead-Headmaster's office, I hadn't been so nervous since the last time I saw my parole officer......

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