Children's birthday parties for fun and profit.

Well, Baby, that was some birthday party! Set here with me while I count up the money. Let's see, each of my October babies invited 70 guests. So the crowd topped out at 740. Those gotdam cops, and the frickin fire marshal and their silly "occupancy laws". "Fire Hazard" my rickety tookus. They just don't want anyone to have any fun. Hell, we've had more that 2,000 people in this trailer and still had plenty of room-it's a double wide! But I suppose I'll stick to it as long as we are under surveillance. But putting a limit on the crowd really pinched our profit. Anyhoo, with the $5 cover charge, we ended up clearing a little over a grand. Not the kind of money we're used to, but still it doesn't suck. Plus, all 7 of my honorees ended up with about $1,400 in cash and prizes. So, not bad for an afternoon. Boy, having that bulldozer made clean up a breeze! For the November Birthday Bash, I may add a couple of bucks to the cover. All my Juniors and Juniorettes are real smart and none of them picked a December birthday. You come out on the short end of that stick, believe me, they are no dummies.


Anyhoo, Darlin', I want to get your opinion on something. Now I'm counting on you to tell me the truth here. Do you remember yesterday when I was telling you how I have to run a pretty tight ship? Yeah, that's right....you are such a good listener. That's one of many things I love about you. Not many people know this but, children need rules. As a single mother with over 20 of my own kids and God knows how many more who aren't, I do know a good bit about parenting. Do you think I might help some folks if I published some of my Trailer Rules? You know, just to give parents an example of the kind of guidance their young ones need....Do you really? I don't want to sound like a know it all or anything. Well...I guess you are right about my unique experience. Are sure it doesn't sounds like I think I am Dr. Dobson or something. These are just few suggestions that have helped our household run more smoothly. O. K. I'll run them up the flagpole then. Here goes.

TRAILER RULES


1. ALWAYS PUT MAMA'S SHOTGUN BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT.

2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO EAT A GOOD BREAKFAST, SO GET UP IN TIME TO FIX YOURSELF ONE.

3. IF YOU HAVE TO RUN WITH SCISSORS, PUT THE POINT FACING DOWN.

4. ALWAYS ASK IF YOU CAN BE PAID IN CASH.

5. IF YOU COME IN DRUNK PAST MIDNIGHT, BE QUIET.

6. ALWAYS CALL ALL OF MAMA'S MAN FRIEND'S "SIR", NEVER USE A PROPER NAME-EVER! DO YOUR BEST NOT TO SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO.

7. IF YOU HAVE TO LIE, MAKE SURE IT IS A DAMN GOOD ONE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD LIAR!

8. CHOOSE YOUR TATTOOS VERY CAREFULLY.

9. NEVER MARRY ANYONE ON THE FIRST DATE.

10. ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY PER YEAR, PER CHILD.

11. DO NOT WRITE ON ANY ONE'S FACE WITH A SHARPIE.

12. THE FIRST ONE UP BRINGS MAMA A PITCHER OF BLOODY MARYS IN BED.

13. DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO MAMA UNTIL SHE HAS FINISHED HER BLOODY MARYS.

14.DO YOUR BEST TO WORK YOUR PROBLEMS OUT YOURSELF. TELL MAMA ABOUT IT ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

So, those are just a few of the rules we have around here. I know some of them sound a little strict. But, children need well defined parameters. Try it at your trailer. I'd love to hear any parenting tips that you've found helpful too, Hon.

"Happy Birthday to, Who?"

Hey, Hon! You're right on time to join the fun. Yep, it's the first day of a new month and y'all know what that means around here That's right...the monthly birthday party for my Juniors and Juniorettes! What's this...October? That's a big one for us. I got 6 or 7 of them born sometime in October. I'm not sure because we do it on the honor system. A couple of those rascals take after their Daddies and try to double dip on the birthdays. Their brothers and sisters usually call them out and remind them of one of our trailer rules, "Each child has only one birthday per calendar year." I know that sounds harsh but, I have to run a tight ship with all these critters I got. Since I'm not a stickler for details, I do allow them to pick their own birthday. It's easier on me than trying to keep track of all that. And believe me, my kids don't forget their birthdays, whenever they are. I told you they are sharp as tacks.


We always have a big time at our celebrations. I had to put a cap on the guest list after the cops busted us last month. So now, each child only gets to invite 70 friends! For God's sake, what child's birthday party doesn't have drunk and disorderly conduct? These officers must not be parents. Would you believe that those pigs gave me a citation for our Vagrant Pinata? And he was such a big hit! I mean, the dude was already long dead when I hung him up and I am the one who discovered his body. I imagined that he would be happy that his death was not in vain because he brought such joy to these children. Well, the police and I rarely see eye to eye on anything, you know my record.


Baby, while you're here would you mind giving me a hand with some of this stuff? Can you ice down that keg so it will be nice and cold when the other children arrive? Thanks, Sugar. Not many people know this but, some kids don't like Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. So, I make a big batch of trash can punch for the picky ones. That's the kind of mother I am. I'm fixing to ask Skeeter if I can borrow his flatbed to go pick up the cake. He is such a talker though. I really don't have time to chit chat with him right now. I'll hot wire it and be back before he realizes it's gone. If he says anything, just tell him he's tripping again. Be back in a jiff! Told you! Man, that cake was a bitch to unload. I'll go over later and hose down Skeet's flatbed.


Anyhoo, I love to cook up all the kid's favorite snacks for these bashes. I've got sugar coated mothballs, spicy broken light bulbs, taper candles with ranch dip, trash (I have the best recipe.), a motor oil fountain, anti-freeze snow cones, AAA batteries, and of course, packing peanuts. I hope you're hungry! Pollock fixed up the favor bags with, razor blades, cigarettes, matches, spray paint, bottle openers, switch blades, sugar cubes, skoal, you know, the usual fare.


Oh, and we play the most wonderful games! My children are so creative that we've made up a lot of them ourselves. They play a variation on the classic game "Dodge the Axe" called "Ice Pick Darts". That is more fun for the little one's because axes are heavy. They love one called, "Let's see how long you can hold your breath" Oh, that reminds me, fill up that galvanized tub with gasoline for me would you, Baby? They have such fun playing hide and seek in all our broken appliances. But, their favorite game is called "Is this my Daddy?" That's one they made up too. It's easy to put together. All you need is a milk crate full of photos of all the men who might be their father and hand held mirror for the child to look into. That keeps 'em busy for hours!


Each month, I offer free tattoos and the kids line up in droves. This time I am offering Hello Kitty, SpongeBob or Dawg, the Bounty Hunter. Lord, I see Jitters just wheeled up. Thank God her clown car is finally out of the shop. She is going to blast herself out of a cannon like she does every year. I'm tired of it, but the kids get a real kick out of it. I have been able to put my circus days behind me but she apparently can't let hers go. Well, I am not going to let that glory-grabbing troll steal my thunder today. Come on, let's get this party started. Tell Kid to fire up that amp, would you, LoveBug? I'll fix us a pitcher of trash can punch and meet you by the Jello pool. Do you mind toting that beer bong down there for me? You've been such a help! Thanks, Baby. You know I love you, don't you? I'll be right down...