Jittters' signature dish : Poke Roll and Grit

Hey, Hon! Git in this trailer and let me hug your neck. It's mighty sweet of you to swing by and keep me company while I'm cookin'. Pass me that ashtray, would you, Darlin? Thank you, Babe...and that bottle of gin too...I sure 'preciate you. I was kindly lonely fore you got here. You is right, Pollock is real handy in the kitchen and monkey in a barrel is a whole lot of fun. He made that nanner puddin' all by hiself. He's real popular round here and I'm glad he's made so many friends. But, monkeys jist can't talk, no matter how hard they try. Look at him over there, fryin' that bacon and sippin' on a Pabst. Is he not the cutest dang thang you ever saw? I jist wish he could do more than sign language and write notes.

Hon, you need to say "Hey" to Baby 2.0 over yonder. Now, Shug, you can't git offended when he don't speak to you......remember the weed eater accident? He can't talk, you know that. But he hears like a bat and he is burnin' up that dry erase board. Look a there, he's scribblin' to you. It's jist kindly quite when all my Joons is out and it's only Baby 2.0, Pollock and me. I'm so glad you stopped by. I know......I don't git bored of lookin' at him neither. Baby 2.0 don't give me one bit of backtalk and he never interrupts me. I love him unconditional, on account of his looks, jist like I did his brother. Till that day he got on my last bald nerve comin' back from Vegas.

So, you want to know what's on the menu for our Thanksgivin' feast? It's the usual fare, same as all folks crost the world is cookin' right now fer their broods. Help me with another headcount right qwick... I got upwards of 20 of my own children. Plus all the people that stay with me till they figure out their callin' and feel motivated to find a niche in life. And all our tenants here at the Won Ton Estates and their family members that is not incarcerated. Then there's all my employees from me and Won Ton's various bidness. Plus all my gals from The Pony, I always include them 'cause strippers git left out of a lot of holidays. So, I got to prepare fer 'bout 13, 462 in all, give or take. I don't know fer sure. And we'll have sundries the cat drags in. Makes it hard to plan. I would hate to run out of food.

Well, last night, my Juniors and Juniorettes helped me fix a big batch of our favorite party mix. Yep, the one with the toasted, broken light bulbs and spicy packin' peanuts. I'll set a lil dish out fer you to snack on now, Shug. It goes real good with Tickled Pank to wash it down..here's a bottle of that and a straw. Oh, all the Joons went out to hunt squirrels, you'll git to visit with 'em shortly. I got the crock pots fired up and ready to go here fer when they come be-boppin' in. I hope all the good squirrels wasn't gotten already, them kids hem-hawed 'round so long.

Anyhoo, we is gone have the other traditional items such as Balonyee Pie, Caramelized Pork Rinds, Chicken Feet (fer luck), bar soap, Big Red Soda, Frito crispy treats, Spamscicles and Underwood Deviled Eggs. Fer the vegetables we got Jello Pool Salad. Kid Rock and Kracker is fixin' that out at the pool, of course. Jitters will be here, as usual. Do you know what that gotdam troll of a albatross has gone and done now? Got herself stuck in a hoola-hoop. Oh, it ain't hard when you is big as a barn like she is. Well, I know she's a midget, but I mean wide as a barn. I hate her like head lice. She's been pesterin' a blister on me to come to her dollhouse and and git the thang oft her. I told her it can wait till she comes over here. Why won't she jist take my offers of assisted suicide? She'd rather stay on this Earth and try to mire me in her misery, that frickin' tar baby. Course, she's gone brang her signature dish, Poke Roll and Grit. Want her recipe? It's real easy. Poke your bottom lip out, roll your eyes and grit your teeth. That's all she ever shows up with.

Well, Darlin'. You talked me through gittin' all that cooked up. My work here is done. Let's you and me go relax. ...Baby 2.o, will you make my friend and me here a thermos of Jack and Coke and brang it down to the pool, Shug? We gone supervise Kid and Kracker on that salad. Oh, and will you build us a fire in the pit too....and fetch us some blankets? And when the Joons git back will you put all them squirrels in the crock pots fer me? Thank you, Baby 2.o, I love you way more than I ever loved your brother.

"Happy Birthday to, Who?"

Hey, Hon! You're right on time to join the fun. Yep, it's the first day of a new month and y'all know what that means around here That's right...the monthly birthday party for my Juniors and Juniorettes! What's this...October? That's a big one for us. I got 6 or 7 of them born sometime in October. I'm not sure because we do it on the honor system. A couple of those rascals take after their Daddies and try to double dip on the birthdays. Their brothers and sisters usually call them out and remind them of one of our trailer rules, "Each child has only one birthday per calendar year." I know that sounds harsh but, I have to run a tight ship with all these critters I got. Since I'm not a stickler for details, I do allow them to pick their own birthday. It's easier on me than trying to keep track of all that. And believe me, my kids don't forget their birthdays, whenever they are. I told you they are sharp as tacks.


We always have a big time at our celebrations. I had to put a cap on the guest list after the cops busted us last month. So now, each child only gets to invite 70 friends! For God's sake, what child's birthday party doesn't have drunk and disorderly conduct? These officers must not be parents. Would you believe that those pigs gave me a citation for our Vagrant Pinata? And he was such a big hit! I mean, the dude was already long dead when I hung him up and I am the one who discovered his body. I imagined that he would be happy that his death was not in vain because he brought such joy to these children. Well, the police and I rarely see eye to eye on anything, you know my record.


Baby, while you're here would you mind giving me a hand with some of this stuff? Can you ice down that keg so it will be nice and cold when the other children arrive? Thanks, Sugar. Not many people know this but, some kids don't like Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. So, I make a big batch of trash can punch for the picky ones. That's the kind of mother I am. I'm fixing to ask Skeeter if I can borrow his flatbed to go pick up the cake. He is such a talker though. I really don't have time to chit chat with him right now. I'll hot wire it and be back before he realizes it's gone. If he says anything, just tell him he's tripping again. Be back in a jiff! Told you! Man, that cake was a bitch to unload. I'll go over later and hose down Skeet's flatbed.


Anyhoo, I love to cook up all the kid's favorite snacks for these bashes. I've got sugar coated mothballs, spicy broken light bulbs, taper candles with ranch dip, trash (I have the best recipe.), a motor oil fountain, anti-freeze snow cones, AAA batteries, and of course, packing peanuts. I hope you're hungry! Pollock fixed up the favor bags with, razor blades, cigarettes, matches, spray paint, bottle openers, switch blades, sugar cubes, skoal, you know, the usual fare.


Oh, and we play the most wonderful games! My children are so creative that we've made up a lot of them ourselves. They play a variation on the classic game "Dodge the Axe" called "Ice Pick Darts". That is more fun for the little one's because axes are heavy. They love one called, "Let's see how long you can hold your breath" Oh, that reminds me, fill up that galvanized tub with gasoline for me would you, Baby? They have such fun playing hide and seek in all our broken appliances. But, their favorite game is called "Is this my Daddy?" That's one they made up too. It's easy to put together. All you need is a milk crate full of photos of all the men who might be their father and hand held mirror for the child to look into. That keeps 'em busy for hours!


Each month, I offer free tattoos and the kids line up in droves. This time I am offering Hello Kitty, SpongeBob or Dawg, the Bounty Hunter. Lord, I see Jitters just wheeled up. Thank God her clown car is finally out of the shop. She is going to blast herself out of a cannon like she does every year. I'm tired of it, but the kids get a real kick out of it. I have been able to put my circus days behind me but she apparently can't let hers go. Well, I am not going to let that glory-grabbing troll steal my thunder today. Come on, let's get this party started. Tell Kid to fire up that amp, would you, LoveBug? I'll fix us a pitcher of trash can punch and meet you by the Jello pool. Do you mind toting that beer bong down there for me? You've been such a help! Thanks, Baby. You know I love you, don't you? I'll be right down...

SpankBank Magazine 's Latest Cover Girl

Hey, Baby! How was your weekend? I hope y'all were good or good at it. Is your mama doing all right? Tell her I asked about her. We spent some time sprucing this place up a little. What do you think, you like it? I had gotten so many ugly comments about that picture of my face, that I decided to take it off and show you some different angles. All my life, people have been jealous of my good looks, they just couldn't stand to look at that photo of me. Well, we all have our crosses to wear, don't we, Darlin? Now, let's see what did you miss around here? You saw that I am now an award winning blogger! Still glowing from that and I can sure feel the hits- a little harder and to the left, please. Oh, uh-huh, right there is good.


Let's see where did I leave off? That's right, yeah, I got Jitters' wood chipper back to the trailer. I was just fixing to start thawing that corpse down so I could pry him from my deep freeze and get to work. Suddenly, I thought, "Eve, for being such a world renown genius, you can be a total dumbass." That was such a stupid plan, I don't know what I was thinking! Sometimes, I make things way more complicated than they need to be. Silly me....


So, I did the logical thing and got me some heavy duty chains. I wrapped 'em good and tight every whichaway around that deep freeze and locked'em real snug. Then, I bet Kid Rock and Kracker double or nothing that they still can't top me at Guitar Hero. Course, I beat their pants off, literally and figuratively. Guess what they had to do because they lost. No. Those two lovely, little Nancies had to get up off the fold out and tote that deep freeze down yonder to the gravel quarry and dump it in. Kind of a redneck Viking funeral if you will. They also had to buy me a new deep freeze. Hahaha-suckers! I got all my cooking, for when Tinsel, comes loaded up in there now. Problem solved, and it was so simple!


I hate to do more bragging, but guess who gave me a buzz today. No. Bomb Diggity from SpankBank Magazine. It seems my photos turned out so well that I will make the cover. I'm stoked. It has been a while since I was on the cover of something that wasn't on the bulletin board of the Post Office. He is gonna email me a mock up of the cover and when he does I will put on here for y'all. It should be here soon. Bomb said if it sells as well as he thinks it will, they want to get me to do a spread for another publication. This one is called MoneyShot Magazine. I still find it strange that their financial magazines don't contain any articles. But, hey, it's good jack for me and I'm not telling them how to run their bidness. It's a win/win.


Well, Babe, I got to run for now. I'm carrying Bristol Palin to look at wedding dresses. From the look of her tummy, we are going to need to bump this wedding up! I'll holler at y'all later.

Sleeping with Kid Rock and Kracker gets old!

I'm such a sucker! After our pow wow, I agreed to let Won Ton keep the laundry service bidness he won from Spider in Texas Hold 'Em. But, he promised me that he would work on his potty training and take a nap three times a week. Y'all know parenting is give and take-you've got to pick your battles. I think this is going to work out great because, Bristol Palin and her fiance, Levi, ended up staying here with us too. They can help me take care of Trig, not that that baby is one bit of trouble!


Levi was in need of a job with their little bundle of joy on the way. So, guess what! No. Levi is going to manage the laundry business for us! Because Won Ton is so generous, he is going to let Bristol and Levi live in one of the trailers here at his complex. We normally have no vacancies, but he had to evict EightBall and ShugaBone yesterday. So, you see, things work out for a reason.


More good news! Guess what. Uh-uh. Sarah Palin and I decided that Bristol and Levi should get married out by the Jello pool here. Oh, it is going to be so much fun to plan the wedding. Now ,that is one thing I am damn sure good at. Hell, I've been married what....20 plus times now and they were all so memorable in their own way. My Juniorettes are a smidge envious about all the attention Bristol's getting. I'm sorry, I just refuse to let any of my girls get married before they are 17! I know, at any given time, a few of my daughters are knocked up. I've got 2 or 3 of them expecting now. In our family, we don't bother trying to figure out who the fathers are, unless they wrote a check, and that doesn't narrow it down too much. I'm sorry if you think I am being too tough on them. I am the only mother they have and I want them raised right. Well, as you know, Sarah Palin does not roll that way. She is hell bent on having a big, white wedding for Bristol and Levi. As close as Sarah and I are, we differ in a few matters. It's all right...friends don't have to agree on every little thing. Plus, it will be fun and Sarah is bankrolling this party! We are going to get Dunkin Donuts to cater it. What's sweet is that they have asked me to be the one to perform the ceremony. I had totally forgotten that I am an ordained Greek Orthodox Priest, silly me!

I reckon I'd better scoot for now. Pollock is waiting on me to play Guitar Hero with him. I tell you what, I love that monkey so much. I don't know what I did without him. He's been a true Godsend. This should be pretty exciting because Pollock just beat Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker. Of course, Kid and Kraker are blaming their poor performance on being stove up with bad backs. To tell you the truth, I am getting a little tired of sharing the fold out couch with both of them everynight. They both hog the covers and Kracker gets crumbs everywhere. But, what can you do? Men. I'll holler at y'all later.

That Sarah Palin can still drink me under the table!

Hey, Honey. Sorry I've been a little out of touch. I didn't even have time to rinse the molasses and glitter off me from the SpankBank Magazine photo shoot when Sarah Palin and her family wheeled up to the trailer for our shin-dig. She gave me a big old bear hug and said,"Eve, you haven't changed a bit!" Guess what that girl brought me. No, a wild monkey! Cutest thing I've ever seen. I think once he gets used to being indoors he will settle down. What a thoughtful gift. The Juniors named him Pollock because he likes to throw sh#t around. Pollock's going to be a great addition to our family.
Sarah and I met years ago when I won the Ididorod. We've been real close ever since. That baby, Trig ,is my Godson. I couldn't be there for his birth, because I was incarcerated, so I was pleased as punch to finally lay eyes on on the little bugger. Sarah's going to leave him with me while she's out campaigning. He's no trouble at all.
Well, everbody scarfed down the tuna casserole I'd taken out of the deep freeze. I think it tastes better when served frozen and from all the dirty Chinette plates, I'd say it was a big hit. We had time to do a couple of shots of Jaegermeister before we all loaded up and went to Jitters'wrestling match. Even Daddy came out of the dryer to join us. I was glad. He's been so down since his ice cream truck was stolen. As usual, Jitters beat the stuffing out of her opponent. She's so damned cocky! Y'all check it out on that top UTube video up there in the corner. You will see why I can't ever have that troll mad at me!
All the kids had a big time playing with the flamethrowers. Kid and Kracker jammed for us till dawn out at the Jello pool. Yep, we sure made some memories.
I had to spray all my Juniors and Juniorettes down with the garden hose early this morning so we could get up to the school. Y'all remember that I instituted my new plan to improve Car Pool traffic flow. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. I put my baby, Won Ton, in charge of tazing any adult who got out of their car. He's got such good aim. The 49 wrecker drivers I had at the scene quickly towed the empty vehicles while the owners were still knocked out. Car Pool problem solved. And that laundry service the school is providing me is going to be a lifesaver too. Now I can just drop them all off nekid after their hose bath and they get dressed at school! Sometimes, I can't believe how blessed I am.