I done got a lil behind, but I'm back with you now, Hon.

Hey, Baby. ...You better git on in this trailer and hug me real hard and tight, like you mean it! Uh-Huh..that's what I'm talkin' bout. Dayum, that 's the most sincerest hug I ever felt....do it again. Shug, let me tell you somethin'... I jist 'bout worked my tail oft down to that votin' place. You know, I'm used to bein a workin' gal, but I ain't used to standin' up while I work. Shug, let me set here on the recliner while you try givin' these boots a yank, would you? All my Joons done tugged at 'em to no avail. We even greased 'em good with the WD-40. Didn't budge the boots but I do bleeve it's helpin' my rug rash. It's gone be like openin' up a can a biscuits when them suckers do come oft. Dayum, my dawgs is sure nuff barkin' now.. I stayed so long down there at them votin' booths that I done missed my regular Two Fer Toosdee gig at the Golden Rage Retirement and Funerial Home. You know my boss,Won Ton, he can be such a bast#rd to me-his own Mama! I reckon that's partly my fault. But, when I got back here, he was fit to be tied. Remind me to turn him loose in a bit, Hon.

I was tickled pank to serve this country. It really is part of my job as a modern day prophet and what not. Baby, you know how I'm one of them claustravoyants? You done seen that big ole sign up yonder at the front gates of Won Ton Estates. Mine's a limited gift. I got to have space for my powers to git a good signal. But yesterdee, I was fairly computant that we was gone make history in this here country. And, sure nuff, we did! Yeah, a few folks got bumper stickers as a constant reminder that they voted for losers. But, they can jist buy new cars. Next time, I bet they ain't gone git so slap happy.

Oh, Lawrd, Hon! I done got all relaxable settin' here with you and forgot all 'bout somethin ' needs tendin' to post haste. Guess who came draggin' her skinny tookus up the stoop last night round 3 am? Yep. Sarah Palin. Just hollerin' like an alleycat. Sometimes I regret that oath we took years ago to become bloodsisters and never foresake each other. Course, I had no idea how far she would end up pushin' me. Anyhoo, she was high as custom Dolce Gabbana. On a cryin' jag like she's the only woman who has ever runnned for Vice President of the United States and didn't git it! Sarah's got a martyr complex... specially when she's got the glug-glugs. That gal hurled all over my laptop, the keys is still stickin'. She ain't so perty when she's plastered. Come on, let's see can we git her to come out the dryer where she done passed out. We gone shut the wrinkle gaurd oft, that usually does the trick. Baby, see can you clean that crusty stuff oft Sarah's face and put some clothes on her. ......oh for the love of Gawd, brush her teeth! Won Ton, my cupcake, I will cut you loose iffin you promise to git your gamblin' buddy, Geraldine Ferraro on the phone to talk your Auntie Sarah? Won Ton, listen to Mama.... you gone tell Geraldine that you forgive her debts to you iffin she will take Sarah out of our dryer and oft my hands....do you hear me, boy?

Baby, I'm gone be doin' a different kind a pole dance tomorrow.

Hey, Hon....how you been gettin' long? Let me hug your neck...now, git on in this trailer and fix me a drank. Make yourself useful, Shug...not that I wouldn't keep you 'round jist to look at you. Gawd knows I would, He told me so this mornin. Take a load oft, Lovebug. There's somethin' kindly serious I want to talk to to talk to you 'bout...... Naawww, I still don't want to marry you. I'm sorry to lead in like that, it was thoughtless of me. Most folks don't know this but, we got us a Presidential election comin' up here real soon. Well, Hon, don't feel too bad... they ain't mentioned it hardly t'all in the news. But it ain't too late fer you to git your two cents into the ring, don't worry.

Babe, this trailer here is place where all walks of life is welcome to git thangs oft their chest- long as they pay up front in cash. Folks is allowed to speak their minds and iffin I like what they is sayin', or I thank it's funny, I usually let 'em stay indefinitely. In my line of work, many of my clients is very high profile individuals, so, I don't often discuss current events. In my bidness, confidentiality is paramount- and it's also real important. So, I have elected not to launch any big political crusade, or lobby for a particular candidate. Damn straight, Sarah Palin and me go way back. Yep, two of her children live with me now, they both tickle me. That's right, Darlin' Sarah did give me my beloved monkey, Pollock. That don't mean I'm gone vote for her, and it don't me I ain't. My girl and me is way tighter than that!

See, that's one of the thangs that makes America the greatest country in the entire United States! Everbody here has the right to their own opinion or someone else's. Even the the folks that ain't got no sense at all, got a Gawd givin' right to act a fool. Y'all know, I'm a lover, not a fighter, although my criminal record may show that I have been both at various times. I'm just sayin', y'all, git your cute tails out there and vote for that one fella or that other fella. Or, if you really want to waste your time, vote for somebody else. It's all over but the cryin' anyway.

Now, iffin you really want to cast a vote that could make a tremendous difference, Baby....tell me which shoes you thank look cuter with ma out fit to wear up to the votin' booth tomorrow? Me and the gals from the Pony is gone be out there all morinin' rustlin up customers. Y'all come see us, now, do you hear me?

Red, White and You!

Hey, Babe! Glad you are back. Y'all must like my new look because my hit counter sure feels you. Thanks for all the great comments. We love us! I had a nice Gchat with Sarah Palin last night. I've been trying to talk her out of the "red, white and you" theme for Bristol and Levi's wedding. Personally, I think she runs that whole "America" thing into the ground. I said," O.K. we got it, you love this country and our flag and all, just chill, Girl." Usually she listens to me, but not this time. You know how she gets jammed on the God thing too. Jesus, that gets old! She says that it is a sign from God that the dress we got for Bristol is red. Well, you've got to pick your battles, so I am going to go with the patriotic shtick. Kid and Kracker volunteered to do the pool in red, white and clear jello stripes. It is tricky, but they have done it before. All the guests will be asked to wear a red, white or blue swimsuit. I think it's a little over the top, but Sarah is so bossy sometimes. Bristol has asked Jitters to be her Matron of Honor. Now it will be my problem to find a frickin flag bridesmaid's dress for a damn pregnant midget! She is going to look like a fireplug, that little troll....I hate her. I'll holler at y'all in a bit..... Won Ton and Pollock are hooking Trig up to the Bungee Jump again. Gotdammit, how many times do I have to tell them that chord is way too long.....

Shotgun/Wedding

Y'all know I was fixin to tote Bristol Palin to hunt for a wedding dress yesterday, remember? Let me tell you something, if there is one thing I am an expert in it's weddings! Hell, I've been married what....between 18 and 23 times myself... so I have a wealth of experience. Most of my weddings were pretty damn memorable.
Plus, I have such good luck ,that things are going along swimmingly. I thought it might be a smidge of a challenge to find a dress with Bristol's tummy blooming out. But, it is real important to Sarah that her daughter have a proper wedding. So, I promised her that I would find something that would work. We discovered the most beautiful gown at Hussey's General Store! Next time I get married, I am going there first.
You know, there has not been a better time since the '60's to be a pregnant bride! That Empire waist is so in again. It's just perfect for hiding a bun. This dress looks right pretty on her....It is strapless and fitted in the top with pearl beading all over. It has a satin ribbon around her rib cage and then flows gracefully into the Empire waistline. She won't even have to have it altered if she slows down on the raw cookie dough, Cheetos and Big Red....I am keeping an eye on those arms of hers. They've got me a bit worried. I tell her just like I tell my Juniorettes, "No man wants a fat girl, Darlin. Pregnant or not, that's just the truth."
More about the dress. You can hardly even tell that this gown has been worn several times before. I'm going to work on those pit stains when we get it back to the trailer. Did you know that Tilex is great for taking pit stains out? Most people don't. Baby, I have been sweating bullets for years and I have tried everything. Tilex works best. Just call me Heloise.
Anyhoo, while I was there at Hussey's I picked me up another shotgun. Of course, I have one at the trailer, but those kids are forever borrowing it and not putting it back. Well, this bad boy is all Mama's! Kid loaded up his F250 with beer while we were there too. You know, beer is one thing you can never have too much of. I don't think I have ever said, "I wish I had not bought all this beer!" Well, I got to get this call, it's Sarah Palin. Probably wanting an update on the dress. She will be so jazzed! Rock steady and I will holler at y'all later.

Sleeping with Kid Rock and Kracker gets old!

I'm such a sucker! After our pow wow, I agreed to let Won Ton keep the laundry service bidness he won from Spider in Texas Hold 'Em. But, he promised me that he would work on his potty training and take a nap three times a week. Y'all know parenting is give and take-you've got to pick your battles. I think this is going to work out great because, Bristol Palin and her fiance, Levi, ended up staying here with us too. They can help me take care of Trig, not that that baby is one bit of trouble!


Levi was in need of a job with their little bundle of joy on the way. So, guess what! No. Levi is going to manage the laundry business for us! Because Won Ton is so generous, he is going to let Bristol and Levi live in one of the trailers here at his complex. We normally have no vacancies, but he had to evict EightBall and ShugaBone yesterday. So, you see, things work out for a reason.


More good news! Guess what. Uh-uh. Sarah Palin and I decided that Bristol and Levi should get married out by the Jello pool here. Oh, it is going to be so much fun to plan the wedding. Now ,that is one thing I am damn sure good at. Hell, I've been married what....20 plus times now and they were all so memorable in their own way. My Juniorettes are a smidge envious about all the attention Bristol's getting. I'm sorry, I just refuse to let any of my girls get married before they are 17! I know, at any given time, a few of my daughters are knocked up. I've got 2 or 3 of them expecting now. In our family, we don't bother trying to figure out who the fathers are, unless they wrote a check, and that doesn't narrow it down too much. I'm sorry if you think I am being too tough on them. I am the only mother they have and I want them raised right. Well, as you know, Sarah Palin does not roll that way. She is hell bent on having a big, white wedding for Bristol and Levi. As close as Sarah and I are, we differ in a few matters. It's all right...friends don't have to agree on every little thing. Plus, it will be fun and Sarah is bankrolling this party! We are going to get Dunkin Donuts to cater it. What's sweet is that they have asked me to be the one to perform the ceremony. I had totally forgotten that I am an ordained Greek Orthodox Priest, silly me!

I reckon I'd better scoot for now. Pollock is waiting on me to play Guitar Hero with him. I tell you what, I love that monkey so much. I don't know what I did without him. He's been a true Godsend. This should be pretty exciting because Pollock just beat Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker. Of course, Kid and Kraker are blaming their poor performance on being stove up with bad backs. To tell you the truth, I am getting a little tired of sharing the fold out couch with both of them everynight. They both hog the covers and Kracker gets crumbs everywhere. But, what can you do? Men. I'll holler at y'all later.

That Sarah Palin can still drink me under the table!

Hey, Honey. Sorry I've been a little out of touch. I didn't even have time to rinse the molasses and glitter off me from the SpankBank Magazine photo shoot when Sarah Palin and her family wheeled up to the trailer for our shin-dig. She gave me a big old bear hug and said,"Eve, you haven't changed a bit!" Guess what that girl brought me. No, a wild monkey! Cutest thing I've ever seen. I think once he gets used to being indoors he will settle down. What a thoughtful gift. The Juniors named him Pollock because he likes to throw sh#t around. Pollock's going to be a great addition to our family.
Sarah and I met years ago when I won the Ididorod. We've been real close ever since. That baby, Trig ,is my Godson. I couldn't be there for his birth, because I was incarcerated, so I was pleased as punch to finally lay eyes on on the little bugger. Sarah's going to leave him with me while she's out campaigning. He's no trouble at all.
Well, everbody scarfed down the tuna casserole I'd taken out of the deep freeze. I think it tastes better when served frozen and from all the dirty Chinette plates, I'd say it was a big hit. We had time to do a couple of shots of Jaegermeister before we all loaded up and went to Jitters'wrestling match. Even Daddy came out of the dryer to join us. I was glad. He's been so down since his ice cream truck was stolen. As usual, Jitters beat the stuffing out of her opponent. She's so damned cocky! Y'all check it out on that top UTube video up there in the corner. You will see why I can't ever have that troll mad at me!
All the kids had a big time playing with the flamethrowers. Kid and Kracker jammed for us till dawn out at the Jello pool. Yep, we sure made some memories.
I had to spray all my Juniors and Juniorettes down with the garden hose early this morning so we could get up to the school. Y'all remember that I instituted my new plan to improve Car Pool traffic flow. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. I put my baby, Won Ton, in charge of tazing any adult who got out of their car. He's got such good aim. The 49 wrecker drivers I had at the scene quickly towed the empty vehicles while the owners were still knocked out. Car Pool problem solved. And that laundry service the school is providing me is going to be a lifesaver too. Now I can just drop them all off nekid after their hose bath and they get dressed at school! Sometimes, I can't believe how blessed I am.