Red, White and You!

Hey, Babe! Glad you are back. Y'all must like my new look because my hit counter sure feels you. Thanks for all the great comments. We love us! I had a nice Gchat with Sarah Palin last night. I've been trying to talk her out of the "red, white and you" theme for Bristol and Levi's wedding. Personally, I think she runs that whole "America" thing into the ground. I said," O.K. we got it, you love this country and our flag and all, just chill, Girl." Usually she listens to me, but not this time. You know how she gets jammed on the God thing too. Jesus, that gets old! She says that it is a sign from God that the dress we got for Bristol is red. Well, you've got to pick your battles, so I am going to go with the patriotic shtick. Kid and Kracker volunteered to do the pool in red, white and clear jello stripes. It is tricky, but they have done it before. All the guests will be asked to wear a red, white or blue swimsuit. I think it's a little over the top, but Sarah is so bossy sometimes. Bristol has asked Jitters to be her Matron of Honor. Now it will be my problem to find a frickin flag bridesmaid's dress for a damn pregnant midget! She is going to look like a fireplug, that little troll....I hate her. I'll holler at y'all in a bit..... Won Ton and Pollock are hooking Trig up to the Bungee Jump again. Gotdammit, how many times do I have to tell them that chord is way too long.....

Shotgun/Wedding

Y'all know I was fixin to tote Bristol Palin to hunt for a wedding dress yesterday, remember? Let me tell you something, if there is one thing I am an expert in it's weddings! Hell, I've been married what....between 18 and 23 times myself... so I have a wealth of experience. Most of my weddings were pretty damn memorable.
Plus, I have such good luck ,that things are going along swimmingly. I thought it might be a smidge of a challenge to find a dress with Bristol's tummy blooming out. But, it is real important to Sarah that her daughter have a proper wedding. So, I promised her that I would find something that would work. We discovered the most beautiful gown at Hussey's General Store! Next time I get married, I am going there first.
You know, there has not been a better time since the '60's to be a pregnant bride! That Empire waist is so in again. It's just perfect for hiding a bun. This dress looks right pretty on her....It is strapless and fitted in the top with pearl beading all over. It has a satin ribbon around her rib cage and then flows gracefully into the Empire waistline. She won't even have to have it altered if she slows down on the raw cookie dough, Cheetos and Big Red....I am keeping an eye on those arms of hers. They've got me a bit worried. I tell her just like I tell my Juniorettes, "No man wants a fat girl, Darlin. Pregnant or not, that's just the truth."
More about the dress. You can hardly even tell that this gown has been worn several times before. I'm going to work on those pit stains when we get it back to the trailer. Did you know that Tilex is great for taking pit stains out? Most people don't. Baby, I have been sweating bullets for years and I have tried everything. Tilex works best. Just call me Heloise.
Anyhoo, while I was there at Hussey's I picked me up another shotgun. Of course, I have one at the trailer, but those kids are forever borrowing it and not putting it back. Well, this bad boy is all Mama's! Kid loaded up his F250 with beer while we were there too. You know, beer is one thing you can never have too much of. I don't think I have ever said, "I wish I had not bought all this beer!" Well, I got to get this call, it's Sarah Palin. Probably wanting an update on the dress. She will be so jazzed! Rock steady and I will holler at y'all later.