That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Monday, January 5, 2009

A serious case of Damnesia - Part One

Hey, Hon! Get on in this trailer and give me a hug. Damn, Shug, you are lookin' better than Obama on the beach. I missed you like a universal remote. Happy New Year to you too, Darlin. Have you been wonderin' where the hell I been? Well, you and me both. Pull you up a bean bag and let's set a spell. I'm so glad to see you. I got the Bloody Marys right here, pass me them Marlboros, I'm gone tell you to the best of my recollection combined with my receipts, new tattoos, divorce decrees and latest arrest warrants where I been.

Here is what I got to go on. Right 'fore Christmas, Jitters got kicked out of the hospital. You may recall , she was in traction from when I tried again to assist her in suicide by throwing her from my vehicle . Uh huh, when we went round a hairpin curve while I was taking her to the emergency room after I attempted to cut the hoola hoop oft her with that ole 'lectric knife. Yeah, Shug, that's right. It broke most bones in her little midget body. Anyhoo, Jitters was supposed to stay in traction until the birth of her triplets. I was counting on that to give me some reprieve over the holidays. But, oh nawww, no rest fer the weary here. I had to pick up that gotdam troll of an albatross on Christmas Eve after she bit the left ear clean oft of an orderly who was trying to change her bedpan. Some birthday present fer me. Aww, Darlin', I jist got your card. You was so sweet to remember me. I done had so many of 'em now, Babe, I would rather stop countin' 'em. The shiny wore oft that several years back, but thanks fer thinkin' of me.

So, I loaded Jitters into my '65 Mustang, cause my Juniors was using the Pony van and Baby 2.0 likes to drive the Mercedes. The way it worked out, Jitters had to check in with her parole officer down in south Mississippi at a place called the House of Bread on Christmas day. To tell you the truth, I don't want to know why Jitters does anything, in case I ever have to testify. So, I don't never ask. But, you know how she gets me to do her biddin'- by blackmail. That's what's done made me her slave fer low these many years. I hate her like shingles. I had to jam that pregnant midget, body cast and all, into the Mustang and carry her down to this tiny town outside of Hebron on Christmas Eve. It ain't far as the crow flies from here and I figured we'd be back by early mornin'.

We made it to this little back water town and it was gettin' close to midnight. I had been drinkin' all day, as usual. After we left the Pink Pussycat, I thought it might be wise to get a room fer the night so we could wake up fresh the next morning. Well, you try gettin' a room at the only motel outside Hebron, Mississippi on Christmas Eve at dark-thirty with a pregnant midget in traction and a body cast. It would a taken a miracle and we was S.O.L.

I did my bestest to git her to rest in the car but, Jitters commenced to bitchin', as is her custom. So, I jimmied the lock on a real nice, new vet clinic and got us set up there amongst the animals bein' boarded. After I fed and watered Jitters and scratched her real good with the straighted out coat hanger, I was just fixin' to grab me a lil' shut eye. Heaven's no, that would be way too kind of her to let me sleep. Jitters' water broke and she went into labor. Course, she carried on like she was the only woman who was has ever gone into labor in a vet clinic while she was in a body cast. She's got such a flair fer the drama and she hadn't never had any babies before. It's bout as big a deal as you make it. Lawrd, I've had babies and still made my shift at the Pony. Bein' a single mama will git you back on your feet pretty fast.

Makin' babies and havin' 'em is one thang I am real good at. I been doin' it a long time. I've actually had more babies than Brad and Angelia got. And you know, how excited I been 'bout the idea of raisin' midget triplets. Well, imagine my disappointment when there was not three babies after all. As big as Jitters was and all the medical opinions I wasted my time on - there wasn't but one normal sized baby boy in there. Sure as shootin', I was with her fer the ultrasounds and heard the heartbeats and everything. I said, "Jitters, what the hell did you do with them other two babies? You supposed to have three tiny babies in here, not just one normal sized one. I looked around real good, but he's all I can find! Leave it to you to screw this deal up." She seemed as puzzled as me, which is not unusual. I was just fixin' to take the muzzle oft her mouth so she could answer when I heard someone comin' in the vet clinic. Oh, Lawrd, not another breakin' and enterin' conviction.....

Well, I'll be damned iffin it wasn't a psychic, a nail tech and a bar tender. They had been out ridin' round and partyin' when they saw a strange light above the place and came to see what all the commotion was about. Seems I had accidentally turned on the spotlight the veterinarian used fer his grand openin'. That sucker was castin' a beam all the way to Yazoo City in the night sky. I begged 'em not to call the cops as I explained our situation right quick. They must have led sheltered lives 'cause they found it a bit unusual. But since I had plenty of whiskey and prescription drugs they were o.k. with the whole thang. I find that true in most cases, cash don't usually hurt none either.

Why, you would think these folks had never seen a baby before, the way they ooooed and gooed over that lil fella. He is right pretty, I got him out just perfect without no problem a'tall. He's a good baby too, don't cry or nothin'. The psychic, nail tech and bar tender started givin' him thangs. He's probably the only baby to get a car air freshener, a genuine cubit zirconium ring and some hand sanitizer. I wrapped him up good in clean bar towels from the bar keep and we all made a party out of it. All the animals joined in. Even Jitters seemed happy and almost attractive for the first time since I been knowin' her. I let her hold the baby fer a minute and he had the most peaceful look on his little face. She didn't try to hurt him or nothin' and I felt a glimmer of hope that I may let her live a while longer. I jist can't hate her when he's around- it's the strangest feelin', like I'm missing a limb or somethin'.

Awww, I hear my lil fella right now. He must be up from his nap. You want to meet Baby Josh? That's what I call him. He's bout the cutest thing I ever saw, course I can't let my Juniors or Juniorettes hear me say that. But, there is somethin' special 'bout him, I tell you what. Can you hold him fer a minute while I fix him a bottle? When I git back I'll try to explain where I been these past few weeks...but it's kindly a blur. Let me say this, I am never goin' to Mexico with two dudes I met at the B Qwik again, that is fer damn sure....

Monday, December 15, 2008

Don't call me Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Hey, Hon! How you gettin' along? I like that Christmas tree y'all made out of all them Heineken bottles stacked up in a tower. It's mighty tall , I could see it real clear from the road. Looks nice. Thanks fer doin' your part to go green. It's put me in mind to try it too. Pabst cans might not look as perty by theyselves. But we could dress ours up with all them shot gun shells the Joons done strung together. Lawrd knows we got enough cans to make a tree bigger than that one they got up there in Rockerfella Plazzer. Wonder could we git on the Today Show? I bet I could git it on that other show, The Mostly Every Day Show. I b'leeve I'm gone look into that.

Anyhoo, speakin' of Yankee doins. You been followin' that story 'bout Jesse Jackson, Jr? Well, they ain't hardly mentioned it on the news. I can brang you up to speed right qwick. That Governor up yonder in Illinois, got a real funny name, Blagxzkvqzkch -something or nother like that. Ain't got enough vowels in it to pronouce out loud. I read somewhere that this fella and his wife was the inspiration behind the characters of Tony and Carmela Soprano. Naw, that ain't what the big news is about. It' s kindly hard to read through all the quotes. They got all their expletives blocked out and it don't leave much fer readin'. These folks could embarrass Yosemite Sam. But, from what I gather, it seems he come up with the idea to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Obama. No, Darlin'.... not the chair itself. But if he's got much sense, he's sellin' that too. Blagxzkvqzkch was takin' money from politicians who wanted to be the next Senator. Course, he dusted it with powdered sugar and put a bow on it, callin' it campaign contributions and what not. You know how politicians do. I got the jist of it and that there ain't such a bad plan.

Where this fella, Blagxzkvqzch, went wrong is that he thought he was bulletproof. Most folks don't take a shine to real cocky sons of b#tches. In fact, they want to see 'em fall. Like I tell my Joons, when you make a livin' in non-traditional revenues, it don't never behoove you to mouth oft and be uppity. You got to lay low, keep your head down and be pleasant. And fer Gawd's sake, don't git too greedy. You heard of a monkey trap, ain't you , Shug? That's where a monkey puts his hand in a box to grab some candy and he can't git his hand out 'cause he done grabbed too big a fist full. Two thangs that will git you caught faster than lightin' is bein' cocky and bein' greedy. Them two is twins, you got to be vigilant against 'em. Unless you is one that likes bein' in prison.

Well, Jesse Jackson, Jr. wanted to put his hat in the ring fer this Senate seat. I would have doubled down on him winnin' . He's got a whole lot of experience bein' a politician and such. The Jackson family and the Blagxzkqzch family goes way back. They done spent heaps of time together over the years. So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. went to see Blagxkqzch at his office the other day to tell him 'bout how much he wanted that job. Jesse, Jr. seemed proud to say that he didn't send his Daddy or his brother to talk fer him, but went to see the Governor his own self. Well, I reckon so, he's a grown man fer Gawd's sake. He'll git no medal from me there and I hope he don't say that again. That didn't make him sound real bright.

Anyhoo, Jesse Jackson, Jr. was shocked and disappointed when his longtime family friend got busted fer this lil scheme he done got cocky and greedy on. It was the very day after Jesse Jr. had been to visit him. Seems all that time knowin' Blagxkqzch, Jesse Jr. never picked up on what kind of show this fella was runnin'. Now Jesse Jackson, Jr. wants his name back. Well, he can have it. I sure as hell don't want it. That daddy of his has always bugged the tar out of me. And it ain't 'cause he's black like he'd probably lead you to think. It's cause he's irritatin' and he would be no matter what color he came in. So, I reckon Jesse Jr. is a real bad judge of character and has some of the worst timin' in political history. Hmm, maybe he jist fell oft the stupid truck, but I didn't.

Hey, Shug, would you mind carryin' me down to the hospital? I'm too drunk to drive. That troll of a albatross, Jitters, is causin' a commotion. I'm gone straighten it out directly. She keeps hollerin', "Help...Help...Help....I need Help!". Aww, there ain't nothin' wrong with her, Darlin'. She's jist missin' this gotdam dog of hers I'm keepin'. Yep, that's what she named it, "Help".

Friday, December 12, 2008

Good news and bad new 'bout Jitters.

Hey, Hon. Git your cute self on in this trailer and give me a hug. Baby 2.0 was jist fixin' up another batch of egg nog. He will fetch you a mug. Delicious, ain't it? That tainted baby formula from China is the secret ingredient. And you can pick that stuff up fer next to nothin' now. It's been a real blessing fer us. How you doin', Darlin? You sure lookin' good. Aww, I'm better since I took a fist full of my nerve pills and knocked bag a few cups of this magic here. Pass me them Marlboros, would you, Shug?

I'm aright, it's jist that Jitters had set me oft again. I ain't braggin' 'cause it's true....most folks wouldn't be strong enough to bear the cross she is to me. I admire my strength. I'm gone be honest, it does wear on me at times. Hon, you don't remember how I met Jitters? If only I could forget. What had happened was.....When I left home to become a lion tamer in the circus, Jitters was one of my bunk mates. Yep, she's been a midget as long as I've known her. Jitters' job was to git shot out of a cannon 4 times a day. I was young and I reckon I was a lil naive then. Being raised by wolves don't prepare you fer the real world as good as you would think. Anyhoo, the Ring Master soon became the first of my 18 to 23 husbands. A few hours into our marriage, I realized that he was one of them real controlling types. That really ain't my brand. Shortly there after, he got his self murdered. I was acquitted, largely due to Jitters' testimony. Not a day has gone by that she don't throw that in my face. So, Jitters is my albatross. I am forced to do her biddin' as long as she waddles this earth. It's like drinkin' cheap tequila on a empty stomach. Thank Gawd, she has gotten suicidal here lately. You know, I'm tryin' to help her accomplish her goal. That's what friends is for, right?

What's that, Darlin'? Aw, that there is Jitters' dawg. Ain't it the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?As you can see, it ain't trailer broke yet. She paid high dollar fer it too. Got it from some high-falutin' breeder in Oktibeha County. It's fancy mix they call a "bull-shitz". I jist call it plain wrong. Why am I takin' care of Jitters' dawg? Oh, Shug, she's recoverin' from surgery. Jitters had to have a hula-hoop -ectomy. I did my bestest to cut that sucker oft her with my 'lectric carvin' knife. Course, she would not holt still. It got perty messy. On the way to the emergency room, she was hangin' her head out the window to feel the wind on her face, like usual. I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could mash 'em. I hadn't seen her fly like that without a cannon. I was feelin' real good about it but, no luck, she's still livin'. Took 6 fireman to git her out the top of that tree over yonder. At least she's gone have to stay in traction a while, that's the bright side. Next time, I will try that when we go 'round a curve. Live and learn.

I'm prayin' that Jitters' triplets ain't gone be delivered early. She's still on a COBRA policy from Hooter's. This doctor she's goin' too don't seem to have a whole lot of wattage. I didn't see nothin' but vet school diplomas on this fella's wall. He can't even tell me iffin them babies is gone be midgets or not. Says he needs some information on the father. Well, Jitters and a real stickler fer details. But I'm gittin' tight on space 'round here and I'd like to be able to plan. Midget triplets, that there is what I call a real good investment. I painted that old dresser pale yellow and put Disney decals all over it. Then I and outfitted all three drawers with lil mattresses. So, the nursery is ready. All we can do is wait now, and hope for the best. Looks like you 'bout ready fer some more egg nog. It really can be habit formin. Don't worry, there is plenty more where that came from.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

WtF wEdNesDeE?

Hey, Hon, I was jist thinkin' bout you! Sure enough, I was fixin' to give you a buzz. You always stop by at the right time. Aww, you like the new doorbell? Good, cause I got one fer you too! Folks around here has run me down nine miles of bad road and back. They 'bout knocked the shiny oft me. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Gin and juice, then we can have us a nice visit. Yep, Baby 2.0 is nice to have around. Thanks, Hon, he does look good on me, don't he? He's workin' out just fine, that there was one of my better ideas.

All the Joons is out back whackin' at WD-40 cans and playin' dodge the ice pic. So, they shouldn't bother us none for a while. Tell me how you been doin' and don't leave nothin' out. Your mama and them aright? I saw she cut her Christmas lights on. Real perty. You know, she is smart jist to leave all her decorations up all year. Tell her I asked bout her. Hope the swellin' has gone down in her ankles some and her hair is growin' back. How'd Bubba, Jr.s' parole hearin' go? Well, you holler at me soon as y'all hear.

Oh, Lawrd, Satan's still ringing my phone out my pocket. Turns out a slew of them dyslexic peoples signed up for Listmas. They thought they was loggin' onto one of Santa's websites where you was garanteed to git everythang you want. People magazine said readin' stuff wrong is a part of bein' dyslexic and Cher is one of 'em. "Satan" and "Santa" ain't far oft even fer folks that can read good. It's a big mix up but, what do you expect from the author of confusion? I know he did it on purpose, put pictures of Santa all over the website. Hell no, he's not gone let the dyslexics out of their contracts. He said no body reads the fine print, but these folks was jist a bonus. I know, Darlin', Satan is mean. He did say fer me to be sure and tell you hello and that he's real lonely. Don't fall fer it.

Hey, Hon. Let me ask you somethin'. A lot of my blogger friends got lil games they play on certain days of the week. You know, caption contests and what not. Bein' that I ain't real computer literate, I'm kindly limited on the fun we can have here. But, I been studyin' on a new idea. You tell me how you like it and be truthful now. I was gone call it "WTF Wednesdee?" I figured I could usually post it on Wednesdees, but that ain't cast in stone. Maybe I'm the only one who's got thoughts that rattle around in my mind like loose change in the dryer. What if nobody else has anything that makes 'em say "WTF?" several hundred times a day.? WTF would be up with that? Well, let's jist run it up the flagpole and see....

  • PeOPle WhO aRe TyPinG LiKe ThIs. hAS AnYoNE SeEn iT bUt mE? HeLp mE uNdErsTaNd WtF iS gOinG oN hErE.

  • LOLCats. I know I'm gone be steppin' on some paws here, but they don't make me LOL. Maybe, chuckle to myself. CTMCats, that's better.

  • Folks who want to go on and on 'bout their busy-ness. When did bein' busy become a contest? I'd like to go on record as sayin', "You win, you are so much busier than me! No need to provide me any proof."

  • Directory assistance. When I call 411 it is 'cause I am too lazy to look up a phone number in the book. Now that robot lady is gettin' so chatty with all her questions, she 'bout to be more trouble than she's worth.

  • Christmas cards that is sent with the sole purpose of makin' the recipient feel like an ugly, loser livin' it abject poverty. Iffin you don't know what I'm talkin' bout, maybe you is one of the folks who send 'em out. That is one I'm gone leave y'all to ponder. I done read it 4 times and I still don't understand. That's my short list fer the first "WTF Wednesdee". Y'all got anything to tell me, brang it on. It's open season on WTF.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Things to do before leaving the White House, by Laura Bush

Hey, Hon! You better git your tail on in this trailer. I have been missin' you like a good pair of scissors. Give me one of your hugs. Damn, Darlin' you is a sight fer sore eyes. I am jist 'bout finished with that Harry Winston stuff. Waitin' on a few Ebay auctions to end here shortly. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Jack and Coke. You can visit with me while I clean oft my desk. I ain't hardly had time to go through my mail with Jitters and them pesterin' blisters in me.

I done told you my ex-husband, Satan, is callin', textin' twitterin' and emailin' me every time I turn around. At least he's happy fer now, 'bout that new holiday of his, Listmas. It's catchin' on like Strep Throat. He did get a jump start signin' up all them Wal-Mart Stampeders. Satan says don't nobody read the fine print on nothin', I reckon he's right. I ain't seen him this excited since he thunk up 9-11. He wants me to tell y'all he thunk up Cyber Monday as well as Black Friday. Yep, he noticed that while the 6 other deadly sins was up durin' the first few weeks in December, sloth was down, so....yeah. Oh, he ain't no dummy. He studies all that stuff non-stop..... works too much, that's why we broke up. It's too bad he set his mind on evil, he could have done a lot of good. Lawrd, he gits a snootfull and calls me cryin' all the time. Always askin' me why nobody likes him and if Jesus is still mad at him..... I ain't gittin' in the middle of that. Most his troubles is his own fault, really. Still, I try not to piss him oft 'cause of my alimony check. Puts me in a tight spot, with me bein' a modern day prophet and all. But the pay on bein' a prophet wouldn't even cover my liqour bill. It ain't easy bein' all things to all people.

Anyhoo, let's see what we got on this desk of mine. Well, look a here. My Texas friend, Aria, at is loadin' me up with some awards! That gal is too good to me, I mean it. Baby 2.0's gone have to take the truck over there to pick all them up...goodness gracious! Then here's one from my lil sprite of a friend, Quirkster at That gal tickles me! And my soul sista, Angie, over at done give me an award a while back. I got to try to keep up with my correspondence better than this, Shug.Makes me look unorganized and ungrateful and only half that is true. I reckon I am gone have to hire me a new assistant. Looks like mine is gone stay out with the root rot a while longer.

And here's a message that my buddy , Ettarose done tagged me You know, Hon. This gives me a good opportunity to get some thing oft my chest that has been worryin' me.Laura Bush sent me a list of pranks they is plannin' to pull on the Obamas when they leave the White House. Some of 'em is funny, but some of 'em is a bit over the top. Laura is the one who came up with all of 'em. Dub ain't all that creative, you know. But Laura, she's the one you got to keep an eye on. Here's the list. Maybe iffin I post it here, the Obamas can get wind of it and save themselves some trouble.


  1. Stuff shrimp hulls in all closet rods of private residence.

  2. Suspend raw chickens mid way down every chimney.

  3. Switch all hot and cold faucets.

  4. Put rubber bands over all spray nozzles.

  5. Take all clappers and remotes.

  6. Replace Presidential China with NASCAR commemorative plates.

  7. Put cigarette buts under carpet pads in every room of private residence.

  8. Switch all Presidential Magic 8 Balls to ones I had made that only say "MAYBE".

  9. Replace all ball point pens in Oval Office to disappearing ink pens from Spencer's.

  10. Put gold fish in all water cooler tanks.

  11. Super glue Oval Office desk drawers shut.

  12. Cancel the Obama's change of address at post office.

  13. Cross White House private residence phone number with Domino's Pizza number between the hours of 11:00pm- 3:00am every Friday and Saturday night.

  14. Infest entire area and grounds with fleas and sugar ants.

  15. Leave a male and female cricket in each bedroom.

  16. Disconnect doorbells.

  17. Paint Green Room red.

  18. Replace carpet in Blue Room with lime green shag.

  19. Paint Red Room green.

  20. Hang sign in East Room that reads, "Now facing West."

  21. Set all clocks back 15 minutes.

  22. Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine.

  23. Release aphids in Rose Garden.

  24. Turn off all hot water heaters.

  25. Remove all light bulbs from White House.

Like I said, you got to watch Laura. I am fixin' to give her a buzz and see can I talk her into takin' the high road here. Darlin' do you have any way we can git in touch with Michelle and them and give 'em a heads up? I hate to see 'em start out with no hot water or lights. And they won't get no Christmas cards from none of their friends with their mail not being delivered. That there is jist too mean. Now, Shug. You come with me while I go melt down all this precious metal. It was a bitch poppin' all them stones out the settins. Harry Winston puts 'em in there real tight, I will say that. Grab that flask and them Marlboros, Babe. This won't take long. What would I do without you, Hon? You and me is the only sane folks I know.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Talk to the hand, Harry Winston.

Hey, Hon! I apologize fer bein' out of touch. I been out of town. It's always nice to git back to the trailer. Baby 2.0 and me took a short bidness trip to Paris. Yeah, the one in France. We didn't have a whole lot of time fer sight seein' on this junket. It was perty much git in and git out. Had us a meetin' at a lil jewelry store over yonder oft the Champs - Elysee. We got what we came for and headed on home. Listen, Shug, there is a heap of unpackin' to do and I'm a bit jonsey 'bout gettin' it all done. It shouldn't take too terrible long. All the Joons is pitchin' in and Won Ton has been workin' on it a while. Soon as we finish fencin' stuff, I'm gone git back with you. Did you see that press release from Hades, Inc. got picked up by Associated Press? Looks like Listmas is a big hit. My ex, Satan, has left me a slew of messages, but I ain't got time to chit chat with him now. I need to wrap up some loose ends here. Hope you and your mama and them is all doin' aright. I will holler at you later, Darlin'. Can't wait to visit with you. I brought you a lil somethin' from the trip. It ain't much... but I saw it and thunk of you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Y'all, I jist got a press release from hell.

Hades Inc. Underworldwide Headquarters
Phone: (666) 666-6613
FAX: (666) 666 - 6660

Hades Inc., Creator of Black Friday, Launches a New Holiday This Season

Fourth Circle, Hades December 2, 2008 - Hades Inc., creator of Black Friday, is pleased to announce the launch of a new holiday this season."Listmas" is the alternative and/or supplemental holiday. As the name suggests, Listmas will focus on abolishing the disappointment closely associated with other more traditional holidays. The true beauty of Listmas lies in its simplicity. Participants compile an exhaustive list of every expensive product they expect to receive on December 25Th. These lists are then distributed via viral marketing, post it notes, spam, text messaging, graffiti, bricks thrown through windows, junk mail, billboards, sandwich board, sky writing, subliminal suggestion, Ouija board, tarot cards, tea leaves, tattoos, carrier pigeon, even smoke signals. Creativity in list compilation and distribution is encouraged. The object is to get everything on that list by whatever means necessary. That is all there is to it.

Unlike Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, Listmas is unencumbered by the distracting concern for others. Because Listmas is not outwardly associated with any Deity, there are no niggling religious entanglements or obligations. However, Hades, Inc. has arranged for Listmas devotees to enjoy cult status, ensuring three days paid vacation to spend time with their new stuff. Satan, President and CEO of Hades, Inc. states, "Trust me, Listmas is going to be like Christmas and your birthday combined, only way better. I'm proud to establish a holiday that is simply about getting what you deserve. Hey, don't waste another minute thinking about anyone else. Spend your time making your list and distributing it to as many people as possible. Be sure to tell them they don't love you if they fail to buy these things for you - that is just the truth. Come on, it will be fun!" Projections indicate that the simple message of Listmas will be a refreshing change of pace this holiday season.

For additional information on Listmas, please contact Plutus at Hades, Inc. Fourth Circle Division at (666) 666-6613.

Hades, Inc. has been in business for 1,000s of years and is a multi-national conglomerate with offices in every major city in the world, and then some. Under the leadership of Satan, Hades Inc. has enjoyed status as an unsurpassed leader in the consulting industry representing such notable clients as Wal-Mart, Toys-R-Us, Disney, Google, Best Buy and HSN.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black - Eye Friday...let's all take a step back.

Hey, Hon. Come sit down here with me a minute. You caught me feelin' a lil bit blue. I'm sheddin' some tears 'bout that poor man who got trampled to death by a crowd of 2,000 at the Wal- Mart. They put a gal 8 months pregnant along with 3 other folks in the hospital too. Looks like the lady, her baby, and the others is gone be aright. This happened up in New York, but that don't matter. Could a happend anywhere. I gaurangotdamtee you that. You jist kiddin' yourself iffin you don't thank so. This fella was 34 years old and workin' temporary as a over-night stocker at the Wal-Mart. From that sentence alone, I don't need to spell it out fer you that his life probably was not goin' accordin' to plan. I didn't know him, but I doubly doubt that is what he had in mind fer hiself. And anybody that dies from gittin' trampled to death at Wal-Mart is bound to want his money back on that. I know I would. That's a bad way to go, there.

I'm thankin' Black-Eye Friday would be a better name fer this day than Black Friday. I wouldn't shop on this day fer love nor money. Crowds really ain't my brand, even nice ones. But crowds that rip metal doors oft hinges and jist walk rite all over folks..... The idea of Black Friday is to go and buy all the crap you gone give people fer the Holidays 'cause it is on sale today. Jist come on down and buy, buy buy all you can buy, buy, buy. Well, I don't know nobody that needs nothin' that bad. Iffin they did, you should have got it fore now. Thoughtless gifts bought under duress rarely thrill me. Most of us already got so much more than we need, me included. Iffin I was Gawd, I'd consider cancelin' Christmas this year to teach folks a lesson. But, so far, it ain't up to me. Don't thank I won't speak to Him 'bout it though.

Darlin', I'm sorry I ain't bein' too much fun today. I'm jist real disappointed. I'm preachin' to the choir here. I wish I had a way to git in touch with them Wal- Mart shoppers that rip doors oft hinges and trample people to buy a Wii on sale. I been in prison enough to know their type. Nothin' is ever their fault, it's a way of life fer some. Shug, that's what makes it even more important fer us to go out of our way to be kind and patient. Give folks a break when we can, cut 'em some slack. When we're wrong, admit it. Go the extra mile- cause we can. We gone rock steady.... Those of us who is still capable of behavin' like humans need to rally now. We're becomin' like one of them endangered species. Come here and give me a hug. Now, let's mix us up some dranks and do a bit of shoppin' on line. How does that sound? You always know what to say to make me feel better, Lovebug.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Jittters' signature dish : Poke Roll and Grit

Hey, Hon! Git in this trailer and let me hug your neck. It's mighty sweet of you to swing by and keep me company while I'm cookin'. Pass me that ashtray, would you, Darlin? Thank you, Babe...and that bottle of gin too...I sure 'preciate you. I was kindly lonely fore you got here. You is right, Pollock is real handy in the kitchen and monkey in a barrel is a whole lot of fun. He made that nanner puddin' all by hiself. He's real popular round here and I'm glad he's made so many friends. But, monkeys jist can't talk, no matter how hard they try. Look at him over there, fryin' that bacon and sippin' on a Pabst. Is he not the cutest dang thang you ever saw? I jist wish he could do more than sign language and write notes.

Hon, you need to say "Hey" to Baby 2.0 over yonder. Now, Shug, you can't git offended when he don't speak to you......remember the weed eater accident? He can't talk, you know that. But he hears like a bat and he is burnin' up that dry erase board. Look a there, he's scribblin' to you. It's jist kindly quite when all my Joons is out and it's only Baby 2.0, Pollock and me. I'm so glad you stopped by. I know......I don't git bored of lookin' at him neither. Baby 2.0 don't give me one bit of backtalk and he never interrupts me. I love him unconditional, on account of his looks, jist like I did his brother. Till that day he got on my last bald nerve comin' back from Vegas.

So, you want to know what's on the menu for our Thanksgivin' feast? It's the usual fare, same as all folks crost the world is cookin' right now fer their broods. Help me with another headcount right qwick... I got upwards of 20 of my own children. Plus all the people that stay with me till they figure out their callin' and feel motivated to find a niche in life. And all our tenants here at the Won Ton Estates and their family members that is not incarcerated. Then there's all my employees from me and Won Ton's various bidness. Plus all my gals from The Pony, I always include them 'cause strippers git left out of a lot of holidays. So, I got to prepare fer 'bout 13, 462 in all, give or take. I don't know fer sure. And we'll have sundries the cat drags in. Makes it hard to plan. I would hate to run out of food.

Well, last night, my Juniors and Juniorettes helped me fix a big batch of our favorite party mix. Yep, the one with the toasted, broken light bulbs and spicy packin' peanuts. I'll set a lil dish out fer you to snack on now, Shug. It goes real good with Tickled Pank to wash it's a bottle of that and a straw. Oh, all the Joons went out to hunt squirrels, you'll git to visit with 'em shortly. I got the crock pots fired up and ready to go here fer when they come be-boppin' in. I hope all the good squirrels wasn't gotten already, them kids hem-hawed 'round so long.

Anyhoo, we is gone have the other traditional items such as Balonyee Pie, Caramelized Pork Rinds, Chicken Feet (fer luck), bar soap, Big Red Soda, Frito crispy treats, Spamscicles and Underwood Deviled Eggs. Fer the vegetables we got Jello Pool Salad. Kid Rock and Kracker is fixin' that out at the pool, of course. Jitters will be here, as usual. Do you know what that gotdam troll of a albatross has gone and done now? Got herself stuck in a hoola-hoop. Oh, it ain't hard when you is big as a barn like she is. Well, I know she's a midget, but I mean wide as a barn. I hate her like head lice. She's been pesterin' a blister on me to come to her dollhouse and and git the thang oft her. I told her it can wait till she comes over here. Why won't she jist take my offers of assisted suicide? She'd rather stay on this Earth and try to mire me in her misery, that frickin' tar baby. Course, she's gone brang her signature dish, Poke Roll and Grit. Want her recipe? It's real easy. Poke your bottom lip out, roll your eyes and grit your teeth. That's all she ever shows up with.

Well, Darlin'. You talked me through gittin' all that cooked up. My work here is done. Let's you and me go relax. ...Baby 2.o, will you make my friend and me here a thermos of Jack and Coke and brang it down to the pool, Shug? We gone supervise Kid and Kracker on that salad. Oh, and will you build us a fire in the pit too....and fetch us some blankets? And when the Joons git back will you put all them squirrels in the crock pots fer me? Thank you, Baby 2.o, I love you way more than I ever loved your brother.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Altar Ego: Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows

Hey, Hon! Git that tail of yours on in this church and give me a hug. How you doin? Your mama and them was up to the Piggly Wiggly yesterdee. Yeah, I seen what you was tellin' me, Shug. But there jist ain't no easy way to tell a woman her hair's goin' sparse. Some thangs is better left in the strongbox, and that there is one of 'em, Darlin. She still got a right perty face, iffin you take a shot, squint your eyes and stand far away. It was nice to visit with her. I hope that left side of her body gets back to movin' soon. She wore me slap out, havin' me to scratch her good ankle. She's swelled up like dead horse. Them Tweedy Bird socks is cuttin' at her circulation.

Anyhoo, I'm fixin' to put you to work, Lovebug. Yep, it's time fer our monthly community service project here at Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows. Awww, we did have a ball and chain with Katfish fer Konvikts . But this time's fer the homeless. Some folks out there ain't got a bottle to spit in nor a winder to chunk it out of- much less a can of Skoal. Why, they'd be pleased as punch to come to a fork in the road- jist to have a eatin' utensil. Hon, not all persons is as lucky to be blessed as we is. So, I'm the chairperson fer this here "Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program.

Fore I spearheaded this committee, it shames me to tell you what they was passin' out to these indigenous people. How would you like to be in between trailers and somebody hands you a can of baby peas-without so much as a can opener, for Gawd's sake? Who in the Heyall would be thankful for that? I say they is jist lucky none of them do-gooders needed stitches after dolin' out pure D crap that had been collectin' dust in their pantry all year. Y'all, jist 'cause folks is homeless, it don't mean they is stupid or ain't got no taste buds. In these uncertain times, folks need a way to ease their troubles, not be reminded of 'em.

Now, we do it my way. I got a lot of experience knowin' what bums need...I married a gaggle of 'em. And I've been runnin' a 3/4 way house at the Won Ton Estates fer low these many years. It does strain me at times. But all of my clients is real cheerful 'bout makin' generous cash donations to fund my philanthropies when I expound my shenanigans to 'em. I'd like to give those fellas credit here, but my customer's anonymity is the cornerstone of my success and their benevolence. C' me, Baby 2.0 and all the Joons stuff these grocery buggies up with the followin' items.
  • One "You Is Here" Doormat
  • One weather thermometer
  • 12 packages of Glide Dental Floss
  • 12 Packages of "Supersmile" the Toothwhitening Gum
  • 1 I pod Nano loaded up and charged (don't ferget the good headphones)
  • 1medium sized dry erase board and 20 markers (different colors)
  • 1 $3,000 gift certificate to Starbucks
  • 15 Bottles of Axe Body Spray in Volcano Ash
  • 100 Hand Warmers, normally used by deer hunters
  • 5 Leppi' Selk Bags - see that photo up yonder? Now why didn't I thank a that? They's like a sleepin' bag...only you wear 'em. (again, consider the person when chosin' the color)
  • 12o packages of Clearasil Facial Wipes
  • 150 packages of plaid boxers (ask the size, you not gone embarrass 'em)
  • 100 bottles of Psssssst Instant Spray Shampoo
  • 120 boxes of Zone Bars (ask what their favorite flava is)
  • 1 $10,000 gift certificate to Motel 6 (sorry, I couldn't git no place nicer fer 'em.)
  • 16 boxes of Zicam Nasal Swabs
  • 10 half gallons of their favorite whiskey and 2 shot glasses (in case they get company)
  • 1 boars head bristle brush
  • 1 shatterproof hand held mirror
  • $250 in cash
  • 7 pair Levi's button fronts
  • 3 pairs of Cole Haan Loafers
  • 5 Brooks Brothers No Iron Dress Shirts (White Only)
  • 6 Shout Stain Remover Sticks
  • 1 Mental Floss Book (they need to have some bull - in case they meet someone.)
  • 1 copy of Holidays On Ice by David Sedaris ( He started oft as a Elf fer Gawd's sake...)
  • 6 monogrammed linen cocktail napkins
  • 12 Trapp Orange Vanilla Candles (don't ferget the lighters!)
  • 1 down body pillow from Land's End
  • 1 coupon fer free laundry service at any "Ancient Chinese Secret My Ass...." (Lawrd, Won Ton is gone kick my tail fer that one. I'll handle him, I am his Mama.) folding service y'all... wash only... Lawrd, I can already hear him.

I know it ain't much. I jist wished I could have gotten 'em all a Smart Car. I'm lobbyin' now fer next year. I hope this stop gap measure brangs a smile to some unfortunable people this week. I only got about 10,000 of these buggies to give away. Rest of the folks can crash with me at the 3/4 house till they git their sh#t together. I don't like no one to be alone on the Holidays, cept Jitters. And you and me both know, that ain't gone happen.'Cause she refuses to die. Anyhoo, Merry Thanksgivin', Shug. Awwww, I done almost fergot. Jesus said fer me to be sure and tell all of y'all that He loves you very much.....He will never leave you or forsake you..yadayada...He wishes you would visit more....He'd like fer you to try to find more time fer Him.....Oh, I can't remember the rest. Please, jist shoot Him an email or even a twitter. Iffin you git some down time, tell Him you appreciate all that He has done and what not....that kind of stuff goes a mighty long way with Him. It don't have to be nothin' fancy and it will git Him oft my back. I'll holler at y'all later, Hon. Tell your Mama I said, "Hey".

Friday, November 21, 2008

Idol hands

Y'all, I had me one of them days today. Left me lookin' like I been been pulled backwards through a keyhole. That costs extra, jist so you know. Anyhoo, got to visit with a old friend of mine. We go way back... lot of historical features between us. He's jist as cute as a kitten in glitter. This fella's got two eyes, like most folks, only his don't match. I always call him Ziggy. He stays real busy, some kind of mogul or 'nother. But we manage to hook up whenever his schedule allows, he still travels a good bit. American is Ziggy's second language, he's from that country called Jolly Old that I can't find on no World Map. I can't hardly understand nothin' he says no way, but the man can sure sing. And when he says "Let's dance" ..well, it's real persuasive.

He's always claimed he's got a thang fer little china girls and ours is a modern love. Far be it from me to point out the flaws there. Like my mama says, "You don't wake a snake to kill it." Today he was just yammerin' on 'bout bidness and signin' parchments with a quill. So, I got to fiddlin' with his laptop. I ain't good with stray buttons, y'all. I try to keep my hands busy - a smoke and a drink in each at all times. But the service was fairly poor there ,since he gave the staff the day oft. I made a few bad strokes and lost some perty important cypherins on his computer. He was a teensy bit ornry with me fer a minute or more. But we worked the kinks out and it was stardust again. Ziggy wrote this lil song fer me and I thought y'all might git a kick out of it. I promise I won't go pushin' buttons when I don't know what they might do ever again! Unless that is what someone is wanting me to do-customer service is my strongsuit. Well, here's the song.

Hey, Eve, oh leave my keyboard alone, you know..

Hey, Eve, oh Honey, get me the phone, I gotta..

Hey, Eve, I'm gonna take back your mace..

This smokin' whack b#tch just knocked myspace out of place...

Hey, Eve, you are to blame..

Hey, Eve, it's all quite a shame...

Hey, Eve, well, what the f#ck and gotdamn..

She said she had to tease me but she...then she....


Oh, don't go mean on me M'am, cause I'm not s'possed to kickit

Just sit there and look pretty

Oh, don't go mean on me, M'am

'Cause you lie there and get lit

Just sit there and look pretty

It ain't right...but she's tight

Hey, Eve, Honey, you go unwind..I'll pay

Hey, Eve, these things can take time, this may

Hey, Eve, might I get you a beer?

Just please don't let my wife she comes, here she comes...


Oh.. Iman hit me!

Well, then I had the good sense to take my leave. Y'all know good and well what I said on the way out...yeah. Wham, Bam Thank You, M'am. I'm not one to interfere with domestic squabblins, I jist 'cause 'em. That wife of his is a long, tall drink of water, let me tell you what. Real perty lady, 'cept it looked to me like she ain't nibbled on so much as a cotton ball since the 80's. Almost as skinny as one of them Ethiopian folks. But like I said, I ain't gone git up in their problems. With all that clatter goin' on today I forgot 'bout makin' a post fer my dear friend, Ettarose Carnival. So, jist tween you and me...I'm gone send this here as my entry. It ain't gone matter that Ziggy wrote that silly lil song, is it? I mean, it ain't like he's some big deal anybody's ever heard of or nothin'. Y'all go see Ettarose and check out the carnival at Meet me at the kissin' booth after my shift is over, aright?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The nicest guy I never met.

Hey, Darlin...sorry I'm late, I reckon I done overslept. Let's skip the formalities this mornin'. Hand me that Knob Creek and wrinch me out a jelly glass. Thanks, Hon. Well... wakin' up in a morgue ain't unusual fer me, even with a toe tag....

I been tagged here lately by the proprietors of such fantabulous blogs as Hammy, the best friend I got in India, at, the Gorgeous and Groovy Black Chick at, Dan, the seriously funny guy at , Dano (Loving you, and you can't stop me) at, Sandie, where cuteness comes to life at Iffin there was others, y'all let me know. My assistant's been out with the root rot, and it's wearin' me thin. I done poured burnt motor oil all over her and rubbed her down with poke salad root and she's still got it real incurable. May have to put her down. Makes me sad, she's a good ole gal, been with me a long time. Anyhoo, as usual, I was fully intendable to comply with all the instructionables to the tags as soon as my attorney returned 'em to me. Jist got lost in the shuffles.

Well, late this mornin' I woke up at the morgue again. I got a lot a friends down yonder since I used to collect Baby 1.0 up there quite regular due to his necrolepsy. But this time was a smidge different. There was a tag tied real dainty on my right toe with with a pink satin ribbon. Had the sweetest note penned so perfect on it, like a english teacher done wrote it. And it looked like one of my fans at the morgue gave me a pedicure in my slumber too, awwww.

Well, the note was from a fella that has a real special place in my cavernous heart-o- gold. He calls hiself the Crochety Old Man. I ain't never been one to blow nobody's cover. I reckon I won't commence now. He runs a real popular comedy show from Jersey at Claims to be some old man, but he looks just like cuddly baby to me. Long as you don't git between him and his television, he don't do too much hollerin' neither. To tell it straight, he's jist 'bout the nicest guy I never met. Now says here I'm to tell y'all 8 thangs you didn't know 'bout me. I'm gone have to dig deep fer that....

  1. I have phantom pains from my soul amputation.

  2. I won not one, but two, Benz' in Vegas.

  3. Baby 1.0 is in the trunk of the other Benz.

  4. I would be willin' to bet that he's still livin'. I put three good sized breathin' holes in the back fore I slammed it shut.

  5. Baby 1.0 is available in the parkin' lot of the Big Texan Steak Ranch and Hotel on I-40 in Amarrillo. He ain't got no I.D. I left a Louis duffel with 20G's in there with him. He's a talker now...but Gawd, he's perty. You can have him. Tell him I said, "Hey, Hon." (That's my soul itchin' there.)

  6. I am President of my Joons P.T.A. at We're Better Than You Academy. Have been 6 years in a runnin' now.

  7. I also been honored as Bidness Woman of the Year more times than I can count. I'll git back to you with the stats when my girl recovers from the root rot, iffin she does.

  8. Of all my husbands, my happiest memories is when I was married to the Devil. Course, I didn't call him that, still don't. We had a lot of good times, but the bad times was hell. My allimony from him alone is 'bout a million dollars a month. Plus he pays all my health insurance, includin' dental. He really ain't such a bad guy, y'all. He can seem like a angel at times, he's still got that flair.. The late actor, James Dean, was a washed out take on his looks. And talk 'bout a sense a humor...sure he's older, but he don't show it none. Sometimes I wonder why I left him.

Well, I don't want to yammer on with my mundacities. Sorry I couldn't come up with nothin' more rivetin'. I ain't one of them Hollywood glamour types. I reckon you know me perty well by now, what you see is what you git. I sure appreciate you spendin' time with me here at the trailer. It always makes me happy to see you smile. Iffin anybody goes to check on Baby, give me holler, will you?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Baby 2.0

Hey, Darlin. How you doin' today? Your Mama and them gettin' along aright? Well, tell her I asked 'bout her. Lawrd knows I am pleased as punched to be back at the trailer with perty much all my Joons. Awww, don't fret, we gone find the rest of 'em directly... soon as I steady my nerves a bit. Ain't but 4 or 5 of 'em missin' -not bad fer me bein' gone long as I was. Hand me them nerve pills and that flask on the nightstand, Shug. I tell you what, that is one hell of a drive from Vegas to Mississippi. Oh, yeah, I won that there Merecedes out yonder. Nice, ain't it? Yep, you can take it to the quarry to hunt fer them kids.

Lot of y'all, that don't know me too good, ask me why on Gawd's green Earth I would want to drive to Vegas instead of flyin'. Flyin' don't bother me none a'tall -when I got my own plane or someone else's. Right now, I'm in betwix private jets. But, commercial airlines and me jist don't jeehaw. First, you got to deal with airport security. Well, that rat there is a deal breaker, Darlin'. I don't go to my mailbox without at least a glock. Then there is the strict adherence to schedulin' at commercial airports. When they say they is leavin' at such and such a time...they mean it! I have my life to live, and I find their schedule rigid and cumbersome. They'd do better with me to have a window of say 15-20 minutes followed by a last call. Then they could text me and honk once or twiced before they jist up and fly oft. Sides that, I don't care for the ambiance in airports. Fer one thang, they try to embarrass those of us who still smoke by banishin' us to what can only be exstinguished as modern day gallows. They may a well force us to wear a Scarlett S. Throughout the airport the lightin' don't flatter nobody, the o'coustics is ghastly and the furniture is punative. Even the bar, normally the happiest spot anywhere, smells frantic. You can't find nobody in a good mood- they's all scurryin' round and losin' their stuffin'. Everybody keeps lookin' at them papers again and again like they gone say somethin' different this time. Y'all, words printed on paper don't change! It's jist damn near impossible to look cool in a airport- even fer me. Some airports even got different times than others. They don't say pea turkey 'bout it to nobody. How the frick are we 'spossed to know what time they decreed it there at that airport? The whole thang is jist so arbitrarial. And I miss too many bidness opportunities in the air. So, there's a snapshot of why I'd rather drive when I can't git my mitts on a private plane.

Well, 'cause I'm one of the Lawrd's favorites, I won that lil car in Vegas. So, Baby and me stuffed 'em full of all our loot and oft we went headin' back home. Now, ya'll know that I normally don't drive because it impairs my drinkin'. That is one of the thangs I keep Baby 'round fer. You know I love him unconditional, on account of his looks. He is the most gorgeous creature Gawd ever made. But he really can git on my last nerve with all his chattin'. Onst we was on the road, I quickly realized I should have made him wear the duct tape over his mouth as usual. My left ear was bleedin' by the time we hit Albuquerque. Then his necrolepsy kicked in and we had to pull over for him to take one of his cat naps. I jist sat there and drank. I do some of my best thankin' while he is asleep. Seems like I remembered him tellin' me that he got hiself a twin brother. That's the kind of information that sticks with me. This twin of his was rendered mute in a timely weed-eater accident. Iffin I recall correctly, that brother of his lives in Amarillo. Heyall, that is right on our way.

When Baby woke up, I asked him iffin his twin was necroleptic too. Good news fer me, that was the only way their mama could tell 'em apart. Further investigation revealed there ain't no chance of him regainin' his speech neither. Just to confirm, I asked Baby, "The only difference between you and your identical twin brother is that he don't fall out asleep like a corpse at inopportune times and he is hopelessly mute?" After Baby waxed on affirmative, I made arrangements fer us to meet Baby's twin brother at the Big Texas Steak Ranch and Hotel on I-40 in Amarillo. It was real sweet to see those brothers united. Baby would be glad to tell you 'bout it, but he ain't said much since Amarillo and he don't seem a bit sleepy neither. The Lawrd works in mysterious ways, don't He?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Criss Angel, still re-invetin' the tire.

Hey, Darlin'! In case you suffer from memoro-geographicological impediment, like I do, let me hit refresh fer you and say that Baby and me is still in Lost Vegas. He finally came to and I told him 'bout the big surprise I done cracked some whips to git fer him. Yep, the show tickets, you sharp as a tic tac, Shug. Hang tight, I am fixin' to tell you bout the show. Pass me them Marlboro's, would you, Hon? And, while you are up, hand me that bottle of gin.

I got Baby all dolled up and took him to see the character from his favorite TV show...Oh naww, not Spongebob. I couldn't git tickets, even I ain't got that kind a stroke. I reckon this is Baby's B team show. It's program on the plastic scream called Criss Angel Mindf#ck. Have you heard tell of it? It's a children's show, where he does cute, lil magic tricks and what not. It airs on the A$E network. Yeah, that's the dude. He's got a precious, freshly exhumed look goin' and some real nice abs. His show is real popular 'cause the audience has a collective IQ hoverin' round forty deuce, makin' my Baby their target audience despite his age.

Anyhoo, Baby looked so good in his new finery...I could have eaten him with a spoon. It was nice to see him in a shirt without his name embrodried on the pocket. Oft we went to the Luxor to see this "Criss Angel- Believe".Y'all know I don't follow T.V. 'cause I can't git far enough away from ours to really see it, but I listen to it. I got a real good idea of what this series is about. This fella pulls threadbare stunts like sawin' hiself in half, lightin' hiself on fire, strappin' on chains and jumpin' in a pool of sharks, shiskabob prongs through the ear canal, levitatin', stickin' his hand through folks, strollin' through fan blades, escapin' from jail while nekkid.... and the timeworn standby, walkin' on water. His mama is a regular on the show. She hovers nearby in sackcloth and ashes.... wailin', gnashin' teeth, wringin' kleenex in her frosty fingernails and pushin' her glasses back on her Grecian pofile. It is perty powerful to watch. Baby really enjoyed hiself and the audience was enraptured. It made it real easy fer me to snatch of their wallets, so it wasn't a total waste of time fer me.

But, it did make me question some of the decisions I've made as a Mama. That A$E network approached me first 'bout me and the Joons havin' that show. The pitch was "Eve Cleveland and the Tethered Angels" and it was gone run opposite America's Funniest Home Videos. This was several years ago, and I really didn't thank there was much of an audience fer the kind of good, clean family fun that my kids and I enjoy at the trailer. Mistakenly, I figured all the ignorant folks watchin' TV at that time was watchin' AFV. I never told nobody 'bout it, I jist turned 'em down and carried on with our other bidness opportunities. Now, I wonder iffin I made a mistake. Y'all know how hard I try to do the right thang by all my Joons. They come first to me in all I do. I feel so bad now, that I thank I'm gone call home and see iffin they noticed I'm gone. I left 'em plenty of packin' peanuts, light bulbs and bar soap, so I know they ain't goin' hungry. There is lots of ammo and I left wads of cash and car keys, and prescription drugs, but still, they may need me. I reckon that I am missin' them lil buggers. I'm 'fraid I've failed 'em by not gettin' 'em that show on the A$E. Iffin I still had a soul, I think it would hurt right now. Yep, it's time to head home. So, soon as I play another couple rounds of black jack, Baby and me is leavin' Vegas. That is jist the kind of Mama I is.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

We're still in Vegas but..Baby's in time out.

Hey, Y'all...I'm sorry I been a lil out of pocket.... Lost Vegas will do that to a gal. I tell you what...they got it rigged so you can't tell iffin it's daylight nor dark-thirty here. Not that it matters too much...time ain't linear here. You may recall that I left Baby in the bath full of Mr. Bubbles with his Etch-a-Sketch and the whole min-bar in a tub of ice set right beside him. I had to go out fer some bidness development. Everythang was jist fine...caught up with some old friends I hadn't seen in 7 dawg years and we got to visitin'. One thang led to 'nother, like it usually does, and I ended up at a Penthouse party where they was needed a few extra hands on deck. Let me jist say that iffin Viagra was 'round when I got into this bidness, my rates would be a whole lot different.
Everybody likes to claim that time is money, but in our industry we ain't jist whistlin' Dixie. Another thang 'bout my chosen profession is that the work don't's all time sensitive and I've got a tight schedule. Last night, the shiny had worned oft me my heart jist wasn't in it. I wanted to git back to see 'bout Baby.

But, I still had a lot to do. So, I cowgirled up and had to put in some over time but , as always, I got it all done. I was more than ready to get dressed and leave but, even with my WD-40 and 80lb. test line, I could not git that outfit back on. Partly 'cause I couldn't find some of it. That place looked like the Ho chee min trail. Anyhoo, lucky fer me, Las Vegas is the kind of place where you can catch a cab wearing nothin' but three Crown Royal bags. There ain't a sould there that's gone look at you twiced- in a bad way. Probably 'cause I look dayum good in purple and folks here ain't real judgemental.

When finally limped back to the suite, I had one of my sinkin' feelins. There was water and bubbles seepin' out from under the door. When I opened it, I got soaked up to my ankles. That was kindly refreshin'. Guess what. No. Baby.... he fell asleep in the tub and forgot to cut the water oft. I shouldn't have left him fer that long. Gawd love him. It jist broke my heart to see him weep and moan about his Guitar Hero and Donkey Kong bein' ruint. 'Course I already got new ones bein' sent up to our fresh suite. Iffin he wasn't so drunk, I am perty sure he would be upset 'bout the $1,000s of dollars I'll be payin' the hotel in property damage too. Baby bein' unhappy makes me uncomfortable, and not in a pleasant way. He's got him a bit of a temper. Even I find him hard to handle when he gits like that and I'm a professional. 'Course, I wasn't a bit mad 'bout him driftin' oft, he's one of them necroleptics..sleeps like a gotdam corpse. But, he did have to face some consequenses fer his attack of the fury. Don't worry too much, I went easy on him.

I was so tarred, I barely got him handcuffed to the bed. He's the type you got to use two pair on, you know, one set on each wrist. When I take that duct tape oft his mouth here directly, I got to do it real slow. I hate that ugly mark it leaves when you jist rip it, don't you? He's takin' a lil catnap now. I thank he'll be feelin' better when he wakes up. I got a surprise fer tickets. Naaawww, I'm not gone tell y'all which show. You might let it slip! The handcuffs are a hint...I 'll tell you after he gits up, O.K? Now, I'm gone take me shower. After last night, I need to git scrubbed down like Meryl Streep in that movie, Silkwood. I'm gittin' too old fer this. I will holler at y'all later.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Baby, I got to step out a minute.

Well, Shug, that there was quite a ride! And the drive up wasn't bad neither. This is it... Las Vegas-literally the Mecca and crossroads of culture and wisdom fer the modern world. Hahahaha, Baby, nothin' tickles me like seein' you so happy. I'm glad you like the suite, Honey. It's real nice, ain't it? Yep, they let us stay here fer free, but that there is one of them complicated thangs me and you don't need to git into. No, there ain't gone be nobody else stayin' in all this space but you and me. Well, Heyal, yeah, you can jump on the beds! You can jump on anythang you want to, jist like you can at my trailer. I love it when you git so excited, like a kid,only I won't face charges. Oh, you want to go for a swim, now? Awww, Darlin', that's a bath tub, it's jist a mighty big one. . See that fancy spickit there at the top? Jist cut it on and let the water run....I brought your Mr. Bubbles. Hahaha, yeah, Sweetheart, you can order any pay per view movies you want to. Yep, I do believe they git the Cartoon Network and all your other favorite stations too. Uh-huh, I did brang your Guitar Hero and your Donkey Kong too. Here's your Sponge Bob toothbrush and Bugs Bunny toothpaste by the sink...Yeah, Darlin' you can watch T.V. from the tub. Ain't that somethin?

Sweetheart, I don't want you playin' with them games that use 'lectricity while you in the tub. Well, that can be dangerous, Hon....there is power runnin' through them wires and iffin they git wet, it could be fatal- might even kill you to the point of death. It would break my heart if you 'lectocuted yourself- and I jist don't have the strength to lose you now. Here, I brought your Etch a Sketch, that's safer. Baby, them bottles of liquor in that fridge is T tiny. It's a lot a trouble, but jist drank 'em all and they'll brang more. You be studyin' that book of food over yonder and then push the button on the phone that says "Room Service". Awww, well then Darlin, jist order it all.

Listen, I got to tart myself up a bit. Tie this corset tight as you can, would you? Naww, don't worry ' bout me bein' able to breathe, that ain't important. Grease up my thighs and pull them fishnets up a lil more...I can't bend too much with the whale bones in this thang. Now, Baby hand me that "Tramp in a Box" kit by M.A.C. Now, jist to smudge this lipstick enough to make me look popular...Does the back of my hair look like I been layin' on it a good part of the day? Smash it down a bit for me, Darlin. I got to hobble to to the the VIP rooms and do a a lil bidness development. Lawrd knows I need all the write ofts I can git. ....Naww , Baby... We been over this. My Love, it ain't got nothin' to do with me bein' ashamed of you a'tall. It's jist that you can't go to work with me, Hon. That there would be bad fung shway. Iffin I brought you to the bar with me, it would defeat the whole porpoise of me bein' there, Sweetheart. You jist have to trust me on that....I wish to Gawd I'd never let you watch that old movie The American Gigolo. It don't work that way in real life, Darlin'...... Aright, like I done promised, iffin I ever git a gig like that, I will call you on your Iphone post haste. And, yes, Baby, when I ain't workin, I'm completely monogamous. Yes, you are always on my mind. Please don't go gittin' all needy on me...Dayum. Do I not git you whatever you want whenever you want it? Now, git oft my back till I tell you to git on it. Make me a drink.

Look, I got to run out fer a bit...While I'm gone, you take you a nice hot, bubble bath and enjoy yourself like I would. I left you 10Gs on the bed. Go down to the esplanade here at the Wynn and find the shop called, Brioni. ask for Shane. He's expectin' you. He's gone fix you up with some real nice thangs. All you got to do is stand there. Then come back to suite and wait fer me...I 'll be back soon as I can to see how nice all your new clothes look in a big pile on the floor. Am I goin' to fast fer you, Baby?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Stop, Glock, n Roll...

Darlin, it's gone be real good for us to git out of town , jist the the two of us...I thank you done felt that already. We don't get the opportunity to do this much- less it's headin' to the county line on Sundees. While you're drivin', Hon, I need to discuss somethin' with you. Now, I ain't tryin' to be critical, you hear me? Shug, but, there ain't nothin but confection behind that gorgeous face of yours. You are sweet as you can be...but you got no head fer bidness. Lucky fer you, that ain't why I need your head.

Me and you has touched on this a few times... not with the lights on. This here relationship is based on the premise that you ain't got the sense Gawd gave a goat, Shug. (Sorry, Nanny!) Baby, you is doubtless the best lookin' son of a b#tch I have ever had the pleasure of knowin'- a thang of beauty, and a joy to behold. I find you most attractive when you go as long as you can without talkin'. Plus, you is real good 'bout obeyin me- and that there is the smartest thang you can do. Darlin', I got it so bad fer you, that I find your idiocy endearin'. You know, I work my tail oft and I am a very successful and wealthy bidness woman. Havin' you makes me happy and I think I deserve that. You are somethin' nice I do fer myself.

I reckon I love you unconditional. And, I'm gone give you a free ride- long as you continue to take my breathe away every time I lay eyes on you and make keep makin' my heart skip a couple beats when you move....and you keep doin' what I tell you to at all times. Yep, what you and me got is somethin' real special. The technical term is a "win-win". You maintain this high volatage grin on my face and it saves you the complication of havin' to find gainful employment..... Do I need to remind you that your skill set, combined with your narcolepsy would make that an order damn near tall as you are, Baby?

See, like B.B. King said, I'm payin' the cost to be the boss. Lots a men have killed to be in the position you are is now, Honey. Havin' said all that. I don't ask real complicated thangs of you, do I, Shug? Oh, aright , but when I do, I show you how to do 'em. Yep, you did mighty fine job of puttin' the seat down on the toilet, Sweetheart. I'm gone thank you proper fer that in jist a minute.

But look here, this is 'bout when we are on a road trip like we is now. Baby, when I tell you to pull over at any type of store on the highway your lil ears need to perk up. First of all, that means that I need to powder my nose. And B., it means that I am 'bout to commit a felony. Fer example, back yonder. That lil container of black shoe polish I took in was for the surveillance camera lens, not my shoes...Honey, these platforms is platinum! You jist ain't real observant.

Here's what I need you to remember, Baby...I can tattoo it on you iffin I have to. When I come out of the place with my glock jammed in my thong .... and a Jerry's Kids Bucket stuffed with cash, hollerin' like Yosemite Sam - it ain't a good time to ask me to go back in the store and and git you a box of Junior Mints. I did it that time, Hon. But I worry, 'cause I got it so bad fer you that you impair my judgement. Listen to me...I am the brains behind this operation. You don't think and it's better fer us both iffin we keep it that way. Baby, I don't want to be too rough on you. There are so many thangs that you are good at. I would post 'em all ififin it wouldn't git me rated. It's jist that bein' smart ain't one of em. So, you let me do the thankin round here. And you jist look good and make me happy, how does that sound? We are are almost to Vegas now, Baby. Got us a suite comped at the Wynn. You take a lil nap, cause when we git there, I'm gone need you to stay up a while.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Can't swing a cat in a circle without hittin' the city limits here, Hon.

Baby, I hate to wake you when you lookin' so peaceful....all nekkid and twisted up on the fold out like that. But, I been thankin. You know , this here town, sometimes I jist feel like maybe it ain't big 'nuff for folks like me that is clearly destined to greatness.... I got a heap of learnin' back when I was in the circus, you been the beneficarary of quite a bit of it.... Nawww, I ain't talkin' bout the trapeze here, but we did have some good times with that. ..What I was ponderin' was this. You can't keep a tiger in a dawg pen, not even one them sturdy kind. Gawd knows I tried. It works fer a while..but one day....that tiger jist won't git back in there. Nuthin you can do to make him neither, less you ain't fond of your extremities.

I reckon what I'm tryin to say, is that I'm feelin' a bit cramped. This town's so dayam small that we ain't got but two houseflies livin' here at any given time. Darlin, in other parts of the country, 3 numbers don't make a zip code. Folks here don't git the flu so they might have an excuse to miss church. Families done nursed grudges so long that their babies is born with 'em.

Course, there are upsides to livin' in a tight knit community. All our homeless folks got nicknames and we know their mamas. There's no need for a stop sign long as the Harrison's continue livin' in their homestead on the busy corner. Melvin Turnupstood does a fine job hollerin' "STOP, BUBBA!"...."NOW, GO, MARY ELIZABETH CATHERINE MATILDA ANN!" whenever the need arises, he surely does..... just like his daddy did before him. And it is nice to have Ima Rednik, the checkout gal up to the Piggly, tell you what you done come in for. Well, I do appreciate the way that whenever tounges is waggin' bout me, they always add, "Y'all, we need to pray for her." That there is priceless.

But, I done made up my mind rat now- fore daylite. That don't happen much, since I ain't an early riser like you seem to be. Git your britches on, Honey. You and me is goin' to Vegas fer the weekend. You heard me... hop to it, Bunnytail. Awww, Darlin' jist as cute as you can be, but you sure ain't smart.. You thank fer a gotdam minute that jist by sayin' "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" makes it true? Baby, I tried to git that bill passed a long time ago.It's still settin' there on Capital Hill, but it is still only a bill . What I'm gone say is , "you ain't got to tell everythang you know". Grab that Charles' Chip's can oft the fridge and button your jeans for now. Nawww, this here can is full a cash. Jist one a many of my stashes, you know I don't trust banks. Real quick, Shug...get me a couple bottles of that Champale, we celebratin' this morinin'. Now, hurry for all the Joons wake up....shhhhh. This is gone be some fun. Have I told you lately that I love you, Baby? Well, I ain't got to say it.. you know good and well I do.
If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.