Don't call me Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Hey, Hon! How you gettin' along? I like that Christmas tree y'all made out of all them Heineken bottles stacked up in a tower. It's mighty tall , I could see it real clear from the road. Looks nice. Thanks fer doin' your part to go green. It's put me in mind to try it too. Pabst cans might not look as perty by theyselves. But we could dress ours up with all them shot gun shells the Joons done strung together. Lawrd knows we got enough cans to make a tree bigger than that one they got up there in Rockerfella Plazzer. Wonder could we git on the Today Show? I bet I could git it on that other show, The Mostly Every Day Show. I b'leeve I'm gone look into that.

Anyhoo, speakin' of Yankee doins. You been followin' that story 'bout Jesse Jackson, Jr? Well, they ain't hardly mentioned it on the news. I can brang you up to speed right qwick. That Governor up yonder in Illinois, got a real funny name, Blagxzkvqzkch -something or nother like that. Ain't got enough vowels in it to pronouce out loud. I read somewhere that this fella and his wife was the inspiration behind the characters of Tony and Carmela Soprano. Naw, that ain't what the big news is about. It' s kindly hard to read through all the quotes. They got all their expletives blocked out and it don't leave much fer readin'. These folks could embarrass Yosemite Sam. But, from what I gather, it seems he come up with the idea to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Obama. No, Darlin'.... not the chair itself. But if he's got much sense, he's sellin' that too. Blagxzkvqzkch was takin' money from politicians who wanted to be the next Senator. Course, he dusted it with powdered sugar and put a bow on it, callin' it campaign contributions and what not. You know how politicians do. I got the jist of it and that there ain't such a bad plan.

Where this fella, Blagxzkvqzch, went wrong is that he thought he was bulletproof. Most folks don't take a shine to real cocky sons of b#tches. In fact, they want to see 'em fall. Like I tell my Joons, when you make a livin' in non-traditional revenues, it don't never behoove you to mouth oft and be uppity. You got to lay low, keep your head down and be pleasant. And fer Gawd's sake, don't git too greedy. You heard of a monkey trap, ain't you , Shug? That's where a monkey puts his hand in a box to grab some candy and he can't git his hand out 'cause he done grabbed too big a fist full. Two thangs that will git you caught faster than lightin' is bein' cocky and bein' greedy. Them two is twins, you got to be vigilant against 'em. Unless you is one that likes bein' in prison.

Well, Jesse Jackson, Jr. wanted to put his hat in the ring fer this Senate seat. I would have doubled down on him winnin' . He's got a whole lot of experience bein' a politician and such. The Jackson family and the Blagxzkqzch family goes way back. They done spent heaps of time together over the years. So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. went to see Blagxkqzch at his office the other day to tell him 'bout how much he wanted that job. Jesse, Jr. seemed proud to say that he didn't send his Daddy or his brother to talk fer him, but went to see the Governor his own self. Well, I reckon so, he's a grown man fer Gawd's sake. He'll git no medal from me there and I hope he don't say that again. That didn't make him sound real bright.

Anyhoo, Jesse Jackson, Jr. was shocked and disappointed when his longtime family friend got busted fer this lil scheme he done got cocky and greedy on. It was the very day after Jesse Jr. had been to visit him. Seems all that time knowin' Blagxkqzch, Jesse Jr. never picked up on what kind of show this fella was runnin'. Now Jesse Jackson, Jr. wants his name back. Well, he can have it. I sure as hell don't want it. That daddy of his has always bugged the tar out of me. And it ain't 'cause he's black like he'd probably lead you to think. It's cause he's irritatin' and he would be no matter what color he came in. So, I reckon Jesse Jr. is a real bad judge of character and has some of the worst timin' in political history. Hmm, maybe he jist fell oft the stupid truck, but I didn't.

Hey, Shug, would you mind carryin' me down to the hospital? I'm too drunk to drive. That troll of a albatross, Jitters, is causin' a commotion. I'm gone straighten it out directly. She keeps hollerin', "Help...Help...Help....I need Help!". Aww, there ain't nothin' wrong with her, Darlin'. She's jist missin' this gotdam dog of hers I'm keepin'. Yep, that's what she named it, "Help".