Can't swing a cat in a circle without hittin' the city limits here, Hon.

Baby, I hate to wake you when you lookin' so peaceful....all nekkid and twisted up on the fold out like that. But, I been thankin. You know , this here town, sometimes I jist feel like maybe it ain't big 'nuff for folks like me that is clearly destined to greatness.... I got a heap of learnin' back when I was in the circus, you been the beneficarary of quite a bit of it.... Nawww, I ain't talkin' bout the trapeze here, but we did have some good times with that. ..What I was ponderin' was this. You can't keep a tiger in a dawg pen, not even one them sturdy kind. Gawd knows I tried. It works fer a while..but one day....that tiger jist won't git back in there. Nuthin you can do to make him neither, less you ain't fond of your extremities.


I reckon what I'm tryin to say, is that I'm feelin' a bit cramped. This town's so dayam small that we ain't got but two houseflies livin' here at any given time. Darlin, in other parts of the country, 3 numbers don't make a zip code. Folks here don't git the flu so they might have an excuse to miss church. Families done nursed grudges so long that their babies is born with 'em.


Course, there are upsides to livin' in a tight knit community. All our homeless folks got nicknames and we know their mamas. There's no need for a stop sign long as the Harrison's continue livin' in their homestead on the busy corner. Melvin Turnupstood does a fine job hollerin' "STOP, BUBBA!"...."NOW, GO, MARY ELIZABETH CATHERINE MATILDA ANN!" whenever the need arises, he surely does..... just like his daddy did before him. And it is nice to have Ima Rednik, the checkout gal up to the Piggly, tell you what you done come in for. Well, I do appreciate the way that whenever tounges is waggin' bout me, they always add, "Y'all, we need to pray for her." That there is priceless.


But, I done made up my mind rat now- fore daylite. That don't happen much, since I ain't an early riser like you seem to be. Git your britches on, Honey. You and me is goin' to Vegas fer the weekend. You heard me... hop to it, Bunnytail. Awww, Darlin'...you jist as cute as you can be, but you sure ain't smart.. You thank fer a gotdam minute that jist by sayin' "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" makes it true? Baby, I tried to git that bill passed a long time ago.It's still settin' there on Capital Hill, but it is still only a bill . What I'm gone say is , "you ain't got to tell everythang you know". Grab that Charles' Chip's can oft the fridge and button your jeans for now. Nawww, this here can is full a cash. Jist one a many of my stashes, you know I don't trust banks. Real quick, Shug...get me a couple bottles of that Champale, we celebratin' this morinin'. Now, hurry for all the Joons wake up....shhhhh. This is gone be some fun. Have I told you lately that I love you, Baby? Well, I ain't got to say it.. you know good and well I do.

I done got a lil behind, but I'm back with you now, Hon.

Hey, Baby. ...You better git on in this trailer and hug me real hard and tight, like you mean it! Uh-Huh..that's what I'm talkin' bout. Dayum, that 's the most sincerest hug I ever felt....do it again. Shug, let me tell you somethin'... I jist 'bout worked my tail oft down to that votin' place. You know, I'm used to bein a workin' gal, but I ain't used to standin' up while I work. Shug, let me set here on the recliner while you try givin' these boots a yank, would you? All my Joons done tugged at 'em to no avail. We even greased 'em good with the WD-40. Didn't budge the boots but I do bleeve it's helpin' my rug rash. It's gone be like openin' up a can a biscuits when them suckers do come oft. Dayum, my dawgs is sure nuff barkin' now.. I stayed so long down there at them votin' booths that I done missed my regular Two Fer Toosdee gig at the Golden Rage Retirement and Funerial Home. You know my boss,Won Ton, he can be such a bast#rd to me-his own Mama! I reckon that's partly my fault. But, when I got back here, he was fit to be tied. Remind me to turn him loose in a bit, Hon.

I was tickled pank to serve this country. It really is part of my job as a modern day prophet and what not. Baby, you know how I'm one of them claustravoyants? You done seen that big ole sign up yonder at the front gates of Won Ton Estates. Mine's a limited gift. I got to have space for my powers to git a good signal. But yesterdee, I was fairly computant that we was gone make history in this here country. And, sure nuff, we did! Yeah, a few folks got bumper stickers as a constant reminder that they voted for losers. But, they can jist buy new cars. Next time, I bet they ain't gone git so slap happy.

Oh, Lawrd, Hon! I done got all relaxable settin' here with you and forgot all 'bout somethin ' needs tendin' to post haste. Guess who came draggin' her skinny tookus up the stoop last night round 3 am? Yep. Sarah Palin. Just hollerin' like an alleycat. Sometimes I regret that oath we took years ago to become bloodsisters and never foresake each other. Course, I had no idea how far she would end up pushin' me. Anyhoo, she was high as custom Dolce Gabbana. On a cryin' jag like she's the only woman who has ever runnned for Vice President of the United States and didn't git it! Sarah's got a martyr complex... specially when she's got the glug-glugs. That gal hurled all over my laptop, the keys is still stickin'. She ain't so perty when she's plastered. Come on, let's see can we git her to come out the dryer where she done passed out. We gone shut the wrinkle gaurd oft, that usually does the trick. Baby, see can you clean that crusty stuff oft Sarah's face and put some clothes on her. ......oh for the love of Gawd, brush her teeth! Won Ton, my cupcake, I will cut you loose iffin you promise to git your gamblin' buddy, Geraldine Ferraro on the phone to talk your Auntie Sarah? Won Ton, listen to Mama.... you gone tell Geraldine that you forgive her debts to you iffin she will take Sarah out of our dryer and oft my hands....do you hear me, boy?

Baby, I'm gone be doin' a different kind a pole dance tomorrow.

Hey, Hon....how you been gettin' long? Let me hug your neck...now, git on in this trailer and fix me a drank. Make yourself useful, Shug...not that I wouldn't keep you 'round jist to look at you. Gawd knows I would, He told me so this mornin. Take a load oft, Lovebug. There's somethin' kindly serious I want to talk to to talk to you 'bout...... Naawww, I still don't want to marry you. I'm sorry to lead in like that, it was thoughtless of me. Most folks don't know this but, we got us a Presidential election comin' up here real soon. Well, Hon, don't feel too bad... they ain't mentioned it hardly t'all in the news. But it ain't too late fer you to git your two cents into the ring, don't worry.

Babe, this trailer here is place where all walks of life is welcome to git thangs oft their chest- long as they pay up front in cash. Folks is allowed to speak their minds and iffin I like what they is sayin', or I thank it's funny, I usually let 'em stay indefinitely. In my line of work, many of my clients is very high profile individuals, so, I don't often discuss current events. In my bidness, confidentiality is paramount- and it's also real important. So, I have elected not to launch any big political crusade, or lobby for a particular candidate. Damn straight, Sarah Palin and me go way back. Yep, two of her children live with me now, they both tickle me. That's right, Darlin' Sarah did give me my beloved monkey, Pollock. That don't mean I'm gone vote for her, and it don't me I ain't. My girl and me is way tighter than that!

See, that's one of the thangs that makes America the greatest country in the entire United States! Everbody here has the right to their own opinion or someone else's. Even the the folks that ain't got no sense at all, got a Gawd givin' right to act a fool. Y'all know, I'm a lover, not a fighter, although my criminal record may show that I have been both at various times. I'm just sayin', y'all, git your cute tails out there and vote for that one fella or that other fella. Or, if you really want to waste your time, vote for somebody else. It's all over but the cryin' anyway.

Now, iffin you really want to cast a vote that could make a tremendous difference, Baby....tell me which shoes you thank look cuter with ma out fit to wear up to the votin' booth tomorrow? Me and the gals from the Pony is gone be out there all morinin' rustlin up customers. Y'all come see us, now, do you hear me?

World Dominatrix- I Heart Humor Bloggers!

Oh, Lord, I have never been so glad to lay eyes on anybody in my life! How you been gettin' along, Baby? Bring your cute tail on in this trailer and fix me a drank (spank!). You been workin' out, Hon? Well, it's workin' for me. Damn, you sure are lookin' good .....Just dump them night goggles, jumper cables and pizza boxes oft the fold out and and let's snuggle for a lil bit. Ahhh, it's lovely to be off the clock.... So, I'm real glad to hear you been doin' good. Oh, I'm fine, been thinkin' bout you all the time, as usual. But still, productive. Why, yes, I did put new-ish tin foil in the windows, nothin' gets by my Man! It freshens things up a bit, don't it? Yeah, I'm still sprucing for my twin sister , Tinsel's ,visit. This place is startin' to come together.

What's that, Shuga? Oh, yep, I did dye the wall to wall flooring black. You are so observant. Well I reckon I splashed some of that black stain on my hands. Not to worry, it will wear oft in two , three months- tops. Just look... now you can barely make out them bloodstains in the hall! Jeez, since Won Ton became my landlord, he has turned into a true tightwad! God knows, I bucked for real carpet. It shames me to tell that my own son won't replace this astro turf before his Auntie Tinsel's visit. That boy one tough toddler, I kid you not....

Oh, Darlin', don't get me going on that. Let's have some fun. Honey, you are too far away. Scoot on ova here. Come on, I won't bite you unless you want me to! Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. How was my day? You know, you are the only one who ever asks me that, don't you Baby? Just another reason I am so smitten with you. Well, I was fixin to tell you... I had to run by Jitters and glue that gotdam front tooth of hers on AGAIN! Gorilla Glue just ain'tholding it like it used to. She needs to lay off that corn on the cob...she eats it to torture me. That frickin' troll doll... how long will I be tethered to her? I hate her more than snakes. Here I go complainin' again, I'm sorry, Babe.

On to more pleasant topics...You know how I'm forever yammerin' about the fun we have over at Humor Bloggers http://www.humorbloggers.com/? Well, guess what. No, Shuga. The good folks over there have devised a pretty rock solid plan for us to dominate the world in just one week. Do I need to tell you that I doubled down on that? I know a lil sumthin' sumthin' about the whole Dominatrix thing, don't I, LoveBug? Hmmm, yeah. Uh-huh....

Anyhoo, we are supposed to be creating an awareness about how superior our member's blogs are. Duh, dat! It says it plain as day on the header- we are the funniest humor writers in the world! Plus, we have to be voted in by stringent process that involves being clad in ALL white. Baby, you know I'm a team player, right? Shhhhh, Darlin', all that was supposed to be between us.! And you STILL need to get that video of me oft the U Tube unless you are going to find a way to capitalize on it! Oh, I'm sorry again, Hon. I know how you hate when I bring my work home with me. Baby, you just settle down now. Let's not talk about my bidness .

The plan for World Domination calls for us to pimp another blogger who is not a member of our Empire right now and invite them to join. There are some real funny ones out there. I'm gonna go with "15 Minute Lunch" at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/. Go hit that and see if you don't get a kick out of him. I don't know this dude personally, but I'd like to...He looks just like G.I. Joe, I've always kinda had a thing for a man in uniform. Oh, Baby, don't start getting all jealous, it's only an avatar for Pete's sake! This deal is a purely professional interest in the quality of his writing. I simply admire his art form and creative use for seemingly mundane topics. I've got to do my duty to for my colleagues at Humor Bloggers.

Now, I want to do something special for you for voting for me as Blog of the Year ova there, Darlin. http://www.humorbloggers.com/. The whole thing's probably rigged and I have a snowball's chance of winning, but I felt the love from you. Thank you for takin' the time to stop by and cast a vote for me. It sure means a lot. I'm gonna make it worth you while. We just git each other, and you are the wind beneath my wings! You know that is one of my favorite songs. Hey, what do you say we hot wire us a Camero and go up to the Sonic for corn dawgs...my treat! Hey, Baby, wait for me!