It's too late, Baby..now it's too late...

Hey, Darlin'! I am in a whole lot better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Yep, I've calmed down considerable. You know, a harrowin' near death experience never fails to give me some clarity. I realize now that I overeacted to the house boat capsizing...it's not that big a deal, really. Silly me! Once I knew I was going to live, I was overwhelmed with worry 'bout havin' to tell Slick that Baby and me done ruint his fancy boat. I holed up there at the trailer nekkid and shiverin' while fear set up like concrete in my tummy. Now Y'all, I strive to be a good role model for all my Joons. I'm forever preachin' to 'em that when there is no possible way to weasel out of a problem, then you've just got to face it head on. This was a good case in point, and I decided to take the opportunity to teach my kids a life lesson. So, they fixed me up a pitcher of Bloody Mary's and fetched me a bag to breath into. Some of 'em took my wet boots oft while I popped nerve pills and got myself together. With that, I walked over to Slick's trailer thinkin' bout what a good example I was settin' for my children, skeered as I was. Well, guess what. No.

You are not going to believe my luck.....I can't hardly wrap my mind 'round it my own self. I banged on that trailer door and didn't hear nothin' comin' back at me. My nerve pills were kickin' in so I gave it a push. Guess what I saw. Nawww. Slick was there in his recliner - dead as a hammer. I know what you are thinkin', Shug. Why am I so lucky? Hon, your guess is as good as mine.

I took a quick look around and saw that Slick had made a common mistake. He set oft 42 D-Con Roach Bombs 'round the trailer and then fell asleep. Not many people know this but, when you set them thangs oft, it is not good for a person to stay inside. Be sure to leave your trailer when y'all use those bug bombs-and don't forget to take your children and pets with you. So many lose their lives this way each year. I wish they would have a public service announcement or somethin'. Anyhoo, I reckon you can infer that I didn't have to tell him 'bout the house boat afterall. Just goes to show you that most of the thangs we git ourselves all jacked up about never come to pass no way. Specially when the Lawrd is clearly on your side like He is on mine.

Baby is still over in the yard hollerin' and carrin' on. The kids and I always get a kick out of a stumblin' ramblin' drunk-long as it ain't me. I told him to git, but he won't listen. Some of the Joons are fixin' up some balloons filled with battery acid to pitch at him. That usually does the trick. You know what, Hon? I think I'm threw with him. I'll check on y'all later. Lovin' you...

I admire my strength....

Lord, I have not been so happy to see a soul since the last time I saw you. How you been, Baby? Get on in here and tell me 'bout it. You have a good day, Hon? Awww, I'm sorry to hear that, but it sure nuff don't show on you, not a bit. Sorry, we got a crowd in the trailer. It's our Won Ton Estates' Pot Luck Supper night. Yeah, Sweetheart, those do creep round quite regular. I think you know everybody here. It's all the usual suspects. I know, Darlin', Jitters don't live here at the park, but she calls herself invited every time. That frickin' freeloadin' midget troll...let me tell you what I burnt daylight doin' with her today. I had to carry her lardass out to hunt for a Matron of Honor dress so she can stand up for Bristol Palin at her nuptials. Let me tell you what, it's not easy to find an appropriate dress for a midget who is 4 months pregnant with triplets. Especially with the "red white and you" theme Sarah is hellbent on. As usual, I am the designated step-n-fetch it! God knows I'm weary, but today, the Lord did shine some light my way.....Hang on, Baby, I'm fixin' to tell you.

I know it was a pure case of Divine Intervention. I found a XXXL, red sequined tube top on the clearance rack at Dirt Cheap for $1.18!!!! Oh, Hell yeah, I did. Naawww, LoveBug. It's not just 'cause I'm a savy shopper with a real eye for style. I got to give God the Glory on this treasure. I jammed that sonofabitch over Jitters' head and guess what. No. It damn near covers most of her body. Why I am so blessed, I will never know. I wished you had seen her prancin' round like she was on "Dancin' with them Stars."

Everything was rockin' along till Jitters' false eye done popped clean out of the socket and rolled oft. It does that every time she gets her groove on. Course, it's always me that has to go lookin' for the damn thang. I was blessed again when I found it in the dustpan there at the Dirt Cheap. Just had a lil fuzz on it, not like last time! I hope you never have to deal with a Pitt Bull eatin' a glass eye. It's not pretty, I've still got scars up and down my forearms from that debacle.

Anyhoo, Babe. What do you say we get us a piece of that cake I made special for the social tonight? If I do say so myself, it's almost too nice to cut into. But, I know you are the only person here that's worth it!

Won Ton Wheel Estate...Vacancy

Well, hey there...How you doing, Babe? Thanks for stopping by. I hate to give you bad news...but our pastoral community here at Won Ton Wheel Estate has been shaken to the core. It's been a sad day for us. Lou Jr. and Bobby had been tight as ticks as long as I can recall. We've had many good times out at the Jello pool. I wish you could have seen Lou, Jr. do a swan dive! At 80 years old he was still poetry in motion. And that Bobby could sure smoke some sausage. He'd often bring a whole package to our weekly pot-luck supper. God, I miss that sausage already.

For years, Bobby had borrowed Lou Jr.'s teeth for various occasions. To my knowledge, Lou Jr. never refused. Hell, it wasn't like he was using them or anything, except on our pot luck supper nights. Even then, he would share them with B.B. He was real good about that. As far as I know, they never had a cross word between them until right before Lou Jr. hauled off and shot Bobby. Sure, Lou Jr. was tanked up on the 40s as usual. But he is normally a real nice drunk. Granted, Bobby was supposed to get the teeth back to him. Well, guess why he was late returning them. Bobby had booked a date with me and that's what he wanted the teeth for. Bobby bought some Efferdent to soak them before he gave them back. Bobby was thoughful like that. I was going to carry them back to Lou, Jr. He had scheduled a late date with me for that evening. Those never took long. Well, Bobby and I ran into overtime and....it ended badly. So, Bobby is dead and Lou Jr. got 20 years. Bobby was a good customer for me and I let him run a tab, my mistake, I know. Plus, now we have lost two damn good tenants. The both of them paid their rent on time for the most part. People like that are hard to find. So, we got ourselves two vacancies here at the park. Pollock and I are fixing to go and get Bobby's trailer cleaned up. Won Ton says he won't replace the carpet, but I am going to scrub it real hard. And then we will pressure wash the walls. I sure wish Lou Jr. could have done this outside. But he is not real thoughful like Bobby was.

Won Ton over the limit.

Well, y'all won't believe what's happened now! I twittered you earlier about how I was fixing to have to ground my baby, Won Ton, from the online poker games? (If you are not following me on Twitter then you are soooo out of the loop. Click on that bugger and, hopefully, they'll figure it out for you.) Won Ton begged me and said, "No, Mama, it good money! I on a woll....you not cut me off now, Woman." It's no secret that I have a little trouble disciplining that boy. His Godfather, Kid Rock sure doesn't help me much in that department. He spoils that child like raw meat left in a car trunk! But, he's just too damn cute to whip hard enough to matter.

Anyhoo, Won Ton scored a Laundry Service Business and 20G's in this particular round. He beat out some dude by the name of Spider. I'd be willing to bet that Spider's mouth is short a few gold crowns too. I found them in the glovebox of Won Ton's Tonka Nascar. Let me warn y'all here, if you ever play Texas Hold 'Em with my baby-he does not tolerate welchers. He gets all jacked up about that, trust me.

That little toot already called Master Pinhead and got the We Are Better Than You Academy to switch my Junior and Juniorettes uniform cleaning to his account. He says, "Mama, dat bidness dere is worff 3G's a month." As his mother, I worry that he has too much on his plate already. He's just aquired our trailer complex, "Won Ton's Wheel Estates", he's got the chain of Pawn Shop/Plasma Banks, his little matchmaking service, "Won Ton's Tomatoes" and his bail bonding business, "Won Ton's Rive Flee". Won Ton is the author of every fortune cookie message you've read in the past year, he owns 17 Tattoo Parlors too. Plus he's teaching Mandarin Chinese 202 at the University (look at his lesson plan...how cute is that?). His chain of Chinese restaruants "Won Ton's Wok n Woll" is about to start selling franchises. He is very, very busy and misses his afternoon nap almost everyday! He's only 18 months old and not even potty trained. How can he manage yet another business? I'm afraid he is spreading himself too thin. He is so driven and such a perfectionist. As soon as he fixes us a pitcher of Bloody Marys we are going to sit down and have a serious chat. Iam going to have to put my foot down here. I'll let you know how it goes.