A serious case of Damnesia - Part One

Hey, Hon! Get on in this trailer and give me a hug. Damn, Shug, you are lookin' better than Obama on the beach. I missed you like a universal remote. Happy New Year to you too, Darlin. Have you been wonderin' where the hell I been? Well, you and me both. Pull you up a bean bag and let's set a spell. I'm so glad to see you. I got the Bloody Marys right here, pass me them Marlboros, I'm gone tell you to the best of my recollection combined with my receipts, new tattoos, divorce decrees and latest arrest warrants where I been.

Here is what I got to go on. Right 'fore Christmas, Jitters got kicked out of the hospital. You may recall , she was in traction from when I tried again to assist her in suicide by throwing her from my vehicle . Uh huh, when we went round a hairpin curve while I was taking her to the emergency room after I attempted to cut the hoola hoop oft her with that ole 'lectric knife. Yeah, Shug, that's right. It broke most bones in her little midget body. Anyhoo, Jitters was supposed to stay in traction until the birth of her triplets. I was counting on that to give me some reprieve over the holidays. But, oh nawww, no rest fer the weary here. I had to pick up that gotdam troll of an albatross on Christmas Eve after she bit the left ear clean oft of an orderly who was trying to change her bedpan. Some birthday present fer me. Aww, Darlin', I jist got your card. You was so sweet to remember me. I done had so many of 'em now, Babe, I would rather stop countin' 'em. The shiny wore oft that several years back, but thanks fer thinkin' of me.

So, I loaded Jitters into my '65 Mustang, cause my Juniors was using the Pony van and Baby 2.0 likes to drive the Mercedes. The way it worked out, Jitters had to check in with her parole officer down in south Mississippi at a place called the House of Bread on Christmas day. To tell you the truth, I don't want to know why Jitters does anything, in case I ever have to testify. So, I don't never ask. But, you know how she gets me to do her biddin'- by blackmail. That's what's done made me her slave fer low these many years. I hate her like shingles. I had to jam that pregnant midget, body cast and all, into the Mustang and carry her down to this tiny town outside of Hebron on Christmas Eve. It ain't far as the crow flies from here and I figured we'd be back by early mornin'.

We made it to this little back water town and it was gettin' close to midnight. I had been drinkin' all day, as usual. After we left the Pink Pussycat, I thought it might be wise to get a room fer the night so we could wake up fresh the next morning. Well, you try gettin' a room at the only motel outside Hebron, Mississippi on Christmas Eve at dark-thirty with a pregnant midget in traction and a body cast. It would a taken a miracle and we was S.O.L.

I did my bestest to git her to rest in the car but, Jitters commenced to bitchin', as is her custom. So, I jimmied the lock on a real nice, new vet clinic and got us set up there amongst the animals bein' boarded. After I fed and watered Jitters and scratched her real good with the straighted out coat hanger, I was just fixin' to grab me a lil' shut eye. Heaven's no, that would be way too kind of her to let me sleep. Jitters' water broke and she went into labor. Course, she carried on like she was the only woman who was has ever gone into labor in a vet clinic while she was in a body cast. She's got such a flair fer the drama and she hadn't never had any babies before. It's bout as big a deal as you make it. Lawrd, I've had babies and still made my shift at the Pony. Bein' a single mama will git you back on your feet pretty fast.


Makin' babies and havin' 'em is one thang I am real good at. I been doin' it a long time. I've actually had more babies than Brad and Angelia got. And you know, how excited I been 'bout the idea of raisin' midget triplets. Well, imagine my disappointment when there was not three babies after all. As big as Jitters was and all the medical opinions I wasted my time on - there wasn't but one normal sized baby boy in there. Sure as shootin', I was with her fer the ultrasounds and heard the heartbeats and everything. I said, "Jitters, what the hell did you do with them other two babies? You supposed to have three tiny babies in here, not just one normal sized one. I looked around real good, but he's all I can find! Leave it to you to screw this deal up." She seemed as puzzled as me, which is not unusual. I was just fixin' to take the muzzle oft her mouth so she could answer when I heard someone comin' in the vet clinic. Oh, Lawrd, not another breakin' and enterin' conviction.....

Well, I'll be damned iffin it wasn't a psychic, a nail tech and a bar tender. They had been out ridin' round and partyin' when they saw a strange light above the place and came to see what all the commotion was about. Seems I had accidentally turned on the spotlight the veterinarian used fer his grand openin'. That sucker was castin' a beam all the way to Yazoo City in the night sky. I begged 'em not to call the cops as I explained our situation right quick. They must have led sheltered lives 'cause they found it a bit unusual. But since I had plenty of whiskey and prescription drugs they were o.k. with the whole thang. I find that true in most cases, cash don't usually hurt none either.


Why, you would think these folks had never seen a baby before, the way they ooooed and gooed over that lil fella. He is right pretty, I got him out just perfect without no problem a'tall. He's a good baby too, don't cry or nothin'. The psychic, nail tech and bar tender started givin' him thangs. He's probably the only baby to get a car air freshener, a genuine cubit zirconium ring and some hand sanitizer. I wrapped him up good in clean bar towels from the bar keep and we all made a party out of it. All the animals joined in. Even Jitters seemed happy and almost attractive for the first time since I been knowin' her. I let her hold the baby fer a minute and he had the most peaceful look on his little face. She didn't try to hurt him or nothin' and I felt a glimmer of hope that I may let her live a while longer. I jist can't hate her when he's around- it's the strangest feelin', like I'm missing a limb or somethin'.


Awww, I hear my lil fella right now. He must be up from his nap. You want to meet Baby Josh? That's what I call him. He's bout the cutest thing I ever saw, course I can't let my Juniors or Juniorettes hear me say that. But, there is somethin' special 'bout him, I tell you what. Can you hold him fer a minute while I fix him a bottle? When I git back I'll try to explain where I been these past few weeks...but it's kindly a blur. Let me say this, I am never goin' to Mexico with two dudes I met at the B Qwik again, that is fer damn sure....

Don't call me Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Hey, Hon! How you gettin' along? I like that Christmas tree y'all made out of all them Heineken bottles stacked up in a tower. It's mighty tall , I could see it real clear from the road. Looks nice. Thanks fer doin' your part to go green. It's put me in mind to try it too. Pabst cans might not look as perty by theyselves. But we could dress ours up with all them shot gun shells the Joons done strung together. Lawrd knows we got enough cans to make a tree bigger than that one they got up there in Rockerfella Plazzer. Wonder could we git on the Today Show? I bet I could git it on that other show, The Mostly Every Day Show. I b'leeve I'm gone look into that.

Anyhoo, speakin' of Yankee doins. You been followin' that story 'bout Jesse Jackson, Jr? Well, they ain't hardly mentioned it on the news. I can brang you up to speed right qwick. That Governor up yonder in Illinois, got a real funny name, Blagxzkvqzkch -something or nother like that. Ain't got enough vowels in it to pronouce out loud. I read somewhere that this fella and his wife was the inspiration behind the characters of Tony and Carmela Soprano. Naw, that ain't what the big news is about. It' s kindly hard to read through all the quotes. They got all their expletives blocked out and it don't leave much fer readin'. These folks could embarrass Yosemite Sam. But, from what I gather, it seems he come up with the idea to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Obama. No, Darlin'.... not the chair itself. But if he's got much sense, he's sellin' that too. Blagxzkvqzkch was takin' money from politicians who wanted to be the next Senator. Course, he dusted it with powdered sugar and put a bow on it, callin' it campaign contributions and what not. You know how politicians do. I got the jist of it and that there ain't such a bad plan.

Where this fella, Blagxzkvqzch, went wrong is that he thought he was bulletproof. Most folks don't take a shine to real cocky sons of b#tches. In fact, they want to see 'em fall. Like I tell my Joons, when you make a livin' in non-traditional revenues, it don't never behoove you to mouth oft and be uppity. You got to lay low, keep your head down and be pleasant. And fer Gawd's sake, don't git too greedy. You heard of a monkey trap, ain't you , Shug? That's where a monkey puts his hand in a box to grab some candy and he can't git his hand out 'cause he done grabbed too big a fist full. Two thangs that will git you caught faster than lightin' is bein' cocky and bein' greedy. Them two is twins, you got to be vigilant against 'em. Unless you is one that likes bein' in prison.

Well, Jesse Jackson, Jr. wanted to put his hat in the ring fer this Senate seat. I would have doubled down on him winnin' . He's got a whole lot of experience bein' a politician and such. The Jackson family and the Blagxzkqzch family goes way back. They done spent heaps of time together over the years. So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. went to see Blagxkqzch at his office the other day to tell him 'bout how much he wanted that job. Jesse, Jr. seemed proud to say that he didn't send his Daddy or his brother to talk fer him, but went to see the Governor his own self. Well, I reckon so, he's a grown man fer Gawd's sake. He'll git no medal from me there and I hope he don't say that again. That didn't make him sound real bright.

Anyhoo, Jesse Jackson, Jr. was shocked and disappointed when his longtime family friend got busted fer this lil scheme he done got cocky and greedy on. It was the very day after Jesse Jr. had been to visit him. Seems all that time knowin' Blagxkqzch, Jesse Jr. never picked up on what kind of show this fella was runnin'. Now Jesse Jackson, Jr. wants his name back. Well, he can have it. I sure as hell don't want it. That daddy of his has always bugged the tar out of me. And it ain't 'cause he's black like he'd probably lead you to think. It's cause he's irritatin' and he would be no matter what color he came in. So, I reckon Jesse Jr. is a real bad judge of character and has some of the worst timin' in political history. Hmm, maybe he jist fell oft the stupid truck, but I didn't.

Hey, Shug, would you mind carryin' me down to the hospital? I'm too drunk to drive. That troll of a albatross, Jitters, is causin' a commotion. I'm gone straighten it out directly. She keeps hollerin', "Help...Help...Help....I need Help!". Aww, there ain't nothin' wrong with her, Darlin'. She's jist missin' this gotdam dog of hers I'm keepin'. Yep, that's what she named it, "Help".

Good news and bad new 'bout Jitters.

Hey, Hon. Git your cute self on in this trailer and give me a hug. Baby 2.0 was jist fixin' up another batch of egg nog. He will fetch you a mug. Delicious, ain't it? That tainted baby formula from China is the secret ingredient. And you can pick that stuff up fer next to nothin' now. It's been a real blessing fer us. How you doin', Darlin? You sure lookin' good. Aww, I'm better since I took a fist full of my nerve pills and knocked bag a few cups of this magic here. Pass me them Marlboros, would you, Shug?

I'm aright, it's jist that Jitters had set me oft again. I ain't braggin' 'cause it's true....most folks wouldn't be strong enough to bear the cross she is to me. I admire my strength. I'm gone be honest, it does wear on me at times. Hon, you don't remember how I met Jitters? If only I could forget. What had happened was.....When I left home to become a lion tamer in the circus, Jitters was one of my bunk mates. Yep, she's been a midget as long as I've known her. Jitters' job was to git shot out of a cannon 4 times a day. I was young and I reckon I was a lil naive then. Being raised by wolves don't prepare you fer the real world as good as you would think. Anyhoo, the Ring Master soon became the first of my 18 to 23 husbands. A few hours into our marriage, I realized that he was one of them real controlling types. That really ain't my brand. Shortly there after, he got his self murdered. I was acquitted, largely due to Jitters' testimony. Not a day has gone by that she don't throw that in my face. So, Jitters is my albatross. I am forced to do her biddin' as long as she waddles this earth. It's like drinkin' cheap tequila on a empty stomach. Thank Gawd, she has gotten suicidal here lately. You know, I'm tryin' to help her accomplish her goal. That's what friends is for, right?

What's that, Darlin'? Aw, that there is Jitters' dawg. Ain't it the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?As you can see, it ain't trailer broke yet. She paid high dollar fer it too. Got it from some high-falutin' breeder in Oktibeha County. It's fancy mix they call a "bull-shitz". I jist call it plain wrong. Why am I takin' care of Jitters' dawg? Oh, Shug, she's recoverin' from surgery. Jitters had to have a hula-hoop -ectomy. I did my bestest to cut that sucker oft her with my 'lectric carvin' knife. Course, she would not holt still. It got perty messy. On the way to the emergency room, she was hangin' her head out the window to feel the wind on her face, like usual. I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could mash 'em. I hadn't seen her fly like that without a cannon. I was feelin' real good about it but, no luck, she's still livin'. Took 6 fireman to git her out the top of that tree over yonder. At least she's gone have to stay in traction a while, that's the bright side. Next time, I will try that when we go 'round a curve. Live and learn.

I'm prayin' that Jitters' triplets ain't gone be delivered early. She's still on a COBRA policy from Hooter's. This doctor she's goin' too don't seem to have a whole lot of wattage. I didn't see nothin' but vet school diplomas on this fella's wall. He can't even tell me iffin them babies is gone be midgets or not. Says he needs some information on the father. Well, Jitters and a real stickler fer details. But I'm gittin' tight on space 'round here and I'd like to be able to plan. Midget triplets, that there is what I call a real good investment. I painted that old dresser pale yellow and put Disney decals all over it. Then I and outfitted all three drawers with lil mattresses. So, the nursery is ready. All we can do is wait now, and hope for the best. Looks like you 'bout ready fer some more egg nog. It really can be habit formin. Don't worry, there is plenty more where that came from.