Things to do before leaving the White House, by Laura Bush

Hey, Hon! You better git your tail on in this trailer. I have been missin' you like a good pair of scissors. Give me one of your hugs. Damn, Darlin' you is a sight fer sore eyes. I am jist 'bout finished with that Harry Winston stuff. Waitin' on a few Ebay auctions to end here shortly. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Jack and Coke. You can visit with me while I clean oft my desk. I ain't hardly had time to go through my mail with Jitters and them pesterin' blisters in me.


I done told you my ex-husband, Satan, is callin', textin' twitterin' and emailin' me every time I turn around. At least he's happy fer now, 'bout that new holiday of his, Listmas. It's catchin' on like Strep Throat. He did get a jump start signin' up all them Wal-Mart Stampeders. Satan says don't nobody read the fine print on nothin', I reckon he's right. I ain't seen him this excited since he thunk up 9-11. He wants me to tell y'all he thunk up Cyber Monday as well as Black Friday. Yep, he noticed that while the 6 other deadly sins was up durin' the first few weeks in December, sloth was down, so....yeah. Oh, he ain't no dummy. He studies all that stuff non-stop..... works too much, that's why we broke up. It's too bad he set his mind on evil, he could have done a lot of good. Lawrd, he gits a snootfull and calls me cryin' all the time. Always askin' me why nobody likes him and if Jesus is still mad at him..... I ain't gittin' in the middle of that. Most his troubles is his own fault, really. Still, I try not to piss him oft 'cause of my alimony check. Puts me in a tight spot, with me bein' a modern day prophet and all. But the pay on bein' a prophet wouldn't even cover my liqour bill. It ain't easy bein' all things to all people.

Anyhoo, let's see what we got on this desk of mine. Well, look a here. My Texas friend, Aria, at http://ariazink.blogspot.com/ is loadin' me up with some awards! That gal is too good to me, I mean it. Baby 2.0's gone have to take the truck over there to pick all them up...goodness gracious! Then here's one from my lil sprite of a friend, Quirkster at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. That gal tickles me! And my soul sista, Angie, over at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ done give me an award a while back. I got to try to keep up with my correspondence better than this, Shug.Makes me look unorganized and ungrateful and only half that is true. I reckon I am gone have to hire me a new assistant. Looks like mine is gone stay out with the root rot a while longer.

And here's a message that my buddy , Ettarose done tagged me http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/. You know, Hon. This gives me a good opportunity to get some thing oft my chest that has been worryin' me.Laura Bush sent me a list of pranks they is plannin' to pull on the Obamas when they leave the White House. Some of 'em is funny, but some of 'em is a bit over the top. Laura is the one who came up with all of 'em. Dub ain't all that creative, you know. But Laura, she's the one you got to keep an eye on. Here's the list. Maybe iffin I post it here, the Obamas can get wind of it and save themselves some trouble.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE. BY LAURA BUSH.

1. Stuff shrimp hulls in all closet rods of private residence.


2. Suspend raw chickens mid way down every chimney.


3. Switch all hot and cold faucets.


4. Put rubber bands over all spray nozzles.


5. Take all clappers and remotes.


6. Replace Presidential China with NASCAR commemorative plates.


7. Put cigarette buts under carpet pads in every room of private residence.


8. Switch all Presidential Magic 8 Balls to ones I had made that only say "MAYBE".


9. Replace all ball point pens in Oval Office to disappearing ink pens from Spencer's.


10. Put gold fish in all water cooler tanks.


11. Super glue Oval Office desk drawers shut.


12. Cancel the Obama's change of address at post office.


13. Cross White House private residence phone number with Domino's Pizza number between the hours of 11:00pm- 3:00am every Friday and Saturday night.


14. Infest entire area and grounds with fleas and sugar ants.


15. Leave a male and female cricket in each bedroom.


16. Disconnect doorbells.


17. Paint Green Room red.


18. Replace carpet in Blue Room with lime green shag.


19. Paint Red Room green.


20. Hang sign in East Room that reads, "Now facing West."


21. Set all clocks back 15 minutes.


22. Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine.


23. Release aphids in Rose Garden.


24. Turn off all hot water heaters.


25. Remove all light bulbs from White House.

Like I said, you got to watch Laura. I am fixin' to give her a buzz and see can I talk her into takin' the high road here. Darlin' do you have any way we can git in touch with Michelle and them and give 'em a heads up? I hate to see 'em start out with no hot water or lights. And they won't get no Christmas cards from none of their friends with their mail not being delivered. That there is jist too mean. Now, Shug. You come with me while I go melt down all this precious metal. It was a bitch poppin' all them stones out the settins. Harry Winston puts 'em in there real tight, I will say that. Grab that flask and them Marlboros, Babe. This won't take long. What would I do without you, Hon? You and me is the only sane folks I know.

Y'all, I jist got a press release from hell.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Plutus
Hades Inc. Underworldwide Headquarters
Phone: (666) 666-6613
FAX: (666) 666 - 6660
Plutus@hotmail.com
http://www.hades.inc.com/

Hades Inc., Creator of Black Friday, Launches a New Holiday This Season

Fourth Circle, Hades December 2, 2008 - Hades Inc., creator of Black Friday, is pleased to announce the launch of a new holiday this season."Listmas" is the alternative and/or supplemental holiday. As the name suggests, Listmas will focus on abolishing the disappointment closely associated with other more traditional holidays. The true beauty of Listmas lies in its simplicity. Participants compile an exhaustive list of every expensive product they expect to receive on December 25Th. These lists are then distributed via viral marketing, post it notes, spam, text messaging, graffiti, bricks thrown through windows, junk mail, billboards, sandwich board, sky writing, subliminal suggestion, Ouija board, tarot cards, tea leaves, tattoos, carrier pigeon, even smoke signals. Creativity in list compilation and distribution is encouraged. The object is to get everything on that list by whatever means necessary. That is all there is to it.

Unlike Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, Listmas is unencumbered by the distracting concern for others. Because Listmas is not outwardly associated with any Deity, there are no niggling religious entanglements or obligations. However, Hades, Inc. has arranged for Listmas devotees to enjoy cult status, ensuring three days paid vacation to spend time with their new stuff. Satan, President and CEO of Hades, Inc. states, "Trust me, Listmas is going to be like Christmas and your birthday combined, only way better. I'm proud to establish a holiday that is simply about getting what you deserve. Hey, don't waste another minute thinking about anyone else. Spend your time making your list and distributing it to as many people as possible. Be sure to tell them they don't love you if they fail to buy these things for you - that is just the truth. Come on, it will be fun!" Projections indicate that the simple message of Listmas will be a refreshing change of pace this holiday season.

For additional information on Listmas, please contact Plutus at Hades, Inc. Fourth Circle Division at (666) 666-6613.

Hades, Inc. has been in business for 1,000s of years and is a multi-national conglomerate with offices in every major city in the world, and then some. Under the leadership of Satan, Hades Inc. has enjoyed status as an unsurpassed leader in the consulting industry representing such notable clients as Wal-Mart, Toys-R-Us, Disney, Google, Best Buy and HSN.
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The nicest guy I never met.

Hey, Darlin...sorry I'm late, I reckon I done overslept. Let's skip the formalities this mornin'. Hand me that Knob Creek and wrinch me out a jelly glass. Thanks, Hon. Well... wakin' up in a morgue ain't unusual fer me, even with a toe tag....


I been tagged here lately by the proprietors of such fantabulous blogs as Hammy, the best friend I got in India, at http://www.hamishjoy.com/, the Gorgeous and Groovy Black Chick at http://groovyblackchick.blogspot.com/, Dan, the seriously funny guy at http://usinghumor.com/ , Dano (Loving you, and you can't stop me) at http://danomacnamarrah.blogspot.com/, Sandie, where cuteness comes to life at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. Iffin there was others, y'all let me know. My assistant's been out with the root rot, and it's wearin' me thin. I done poured burnt motor oil all over her and rubbed her down with poke salad root and she's still got it real incurable. May have to put her down. Makes me sad, she's a good ole gal, been with me a long time. Anyhoo, as usual, I was fully intendable to comply with all the instructionables to the tags as soon as my attorney returned 'em to me. Jist got lost in the shuffles.

Well, late this mornin' I woke up at the morgue again. I got a lot a friends down yonder since I used to collect Baby 1.0 up there quite regular due to his necrolepsy. But this time was a smidge different. There was a tag tied real dainty on my right toe with with a pink satin ribbon. Had the sweetest note penned so perfect on it, like a english teacher done wrote it. And it looked like one of my fans at the morgue gave me a pedicure in my slumber too, awwww.


Well, the note was from a fella that has a real special place in my cavernous heart-o- gold. He calls hiself the Crochety Old Man. I ain't never been one to blow nobody's cover. I reckon I won't commence now. He runs a real popular comedy show from Jersey at http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/. Claims to be some old man, but he looks just like cuddly baby to me. Long as you don't git between him and his television, he don't do too much hollerin' neither. To tell it straight, he's jist 'bout the nicest guy I never met. Now says here I'm to tell y'all 8 thangs you didn't know 'bout me. I'm gone have to dig deep fer that....

1. I have phantom pains from my soul amputation.


2. I won not one, but two, Benz' in Vegas.


3. Baby 1.0 is in the trunk of the other Benz.


4. I would be willin' to bet that he's still livin'. I put three good sized breathin' holes in the back fore I slammed it shut.


5. Baby 1.0 is available in the parkin' lot of the Big Texan Steak Ranch and Hotel on I-40 in Amarrillo. He ain't got no I.D. I left a Louis duffel with 20G's in there with him. He's a talker now...but Gawd, he's perty. You can have him. Tell him I said, "Hey, Hon." (That's my soul itchin' there.)


6. I am President of my Joons P.T.A. at We're Better Than You Academy. Have been 6 years in a runnin' now.


7. I also been honored as Bidness Woman of the Year more times than I can count. I'll git back to you with the stats when my girl recovers from the root rot, iffin she does.


8. Of all my husbands, my happiest memories is when I was married to the Devil. Course, I didn't call him that, still don't. We had a lot of good times, but the bad times was hell. My allimony from him alone is 'bout a million dollars a month. Plus he pays all my health insurance, includin' dental. He really ain't such a bad guy, y'all. He can seem like a angel at times, he's still got that flair.. The late actor, James Dean, was a washed out take on his looks. And talk 'bout a sense a humor...sure he's older, but he don't show it none. Sometimes I wonder why I left him.

Well, I don't want to yammer on with my mundacities. Sorry I couldn't come up with nothin' more rivetin'. I ain't one of them Hollywood glamour types. I reckon you know me perty well by now, what you see is what you git. I sure appreciate you spendin' time with me here at the trailer. It always makes me happy to see you smile. Iffin anybody goes to check on Baby, give me holler, will you?