The nicest guy I never met.

Hey, Darlin...sorry I'm late, I reckon I done overslept. Let's skip the formalities this mornin'. Hand me that Knob Creek and wrinch me out a jelly glass. Thanks, Hon. Well... wakin' up in a morgue ain't unusual fer me, even with a toe tag....


I been tagged here lately by the proprietors of such fantabulous blogs as Hammy, the best friend I got in India, at http://www.hamishjoy.com/, the Gorgeous and Groovy Black Chick at http://groovyblackchick.blogspot.com/, Dan, the seriously funny guy at http://usinghumor.com/ , Dano (Loving you, and you can't stop me) at http://danomacnamarrah.blogspot.com/, Sandie, where cuteness comes to life at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. Iffin there was others, y'all let me know. My assistant's been out with the root rot, and it's wearin' me thin. I done poured burnt motor oil all over her and rubbed her down with poke salad root and she's still got it real incurable. May have to put her down. Makes me sad, she's a good ole gal, been with me a long time. Anyhoo, as usual, I was fully intendable to comply with all the instructionables to the tags as soon as my attorney returned 'em to me. Jist got lost in the shuffles.

Well, late this mornin' I woke up at the morgue again. I got a lot a friends down yonder since I used to collect Baby 1.0 up there quite regular due to his necrolepsy. But this time was a smidge different. There was a tag tied real dainty on my right toe with with a pink satin ribbon. Had the sweetest note penned so perfect on it, like a english teacher done wrote it. And it looked like one of my fans at the morgue gave me a pedicure in my slumber too, awwww.


Well, the note was from a fella that has a real special place in my cavernous heart-o- gold. He calls hiself the Crochety Old Man. I ain't never been one to blow nobody's cover. I reckon I won't commence now. He runs a real popular comedy show from Jersey at http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/. Claims to be some old man, but he looks just like cuddly baby to me. Long as you don't git between him and his television, he don't do too much hollerin' neither. To tell it straight, he's jist 'bout the nicest guy I never met. Now says here I'm to tell y'all 8 thangs you didn't know 'bout me. I'm gone have to dig deep fer that....

1. I have phantom pains from my soul amputation.


2. I won not one, but two, Benz' in Vegas.


3. Baby 1.0 is in the trunk of the other Benz.


4. I would be willin' to bet that he's still livin'. I put three good sized breathin' holes in the back fore I slammed it shut.


5. Baby 1.0 is available in the parkin' lot of the Big Texan Steak Ranch and Hotel on I-40 in Amarrillo. He ain't got no I.D. I left a Louis duffel with 20G's in there with him. He's a talker now...but Gawd, he's perty. You can have him. Tell him I said, "Hey, Hon." (That's my soul itchin' there.)


6. I am President of my Joons P.T.A. at We're Better Than You Academy. Have been 6 years in a runnin' now.


7. I also been honored as Bidness Woman of the Year more times than I can count. I'll git back to you with the stats when my girl recovers from the root rot, iffin she does.


8. Of all my husbands, my happiest memories is when I was married to the Devil. Course, I didn't call him that, still don't. We had a lot of good times, but the bad times was hell. My allimony from him alone is 'bout a million dollars a month. Plus he pays all my health insurance, includin' dental. He really ain't such a bad guy, y'all. He can seem like a angel at times, he's still got that flair.. The late actor, James Dean, was a washed out take on his looks. And talk 'bout a sense a humor...sure he's older, but he don't show it none. Sometimes I wonder why I left him.

Well, I don't want to yammer on with my mundacities. Sorry I couldn't come up with nothin' more rivetin'. I ain't one of them Hollywood glamour types. I reckon you know me perty well by now, what you see is what you git. I sure appreciate you spendin' time with me here at the trailer. It always makes me happy to see you smile. Iffin anybody goes to check on Baby, give me holler, will you?