Things to do before leaving the White House, by Laura Bush

Hey, Hon! You better git your tail on in this trailer. I have been missin' you like a good pair of scissors. Give me one of your hugs. Damn, Darlin' you is a sight fer sore eyes. I am jist 'bout finished with that Harry Winston stuff. Waitin' on a few Ebay auctions to end here shortly. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Jack and Coke. You can visit with me while I clean oft my desk. I ain't hardly had time to go through my mail with Jitters and them pesterin' blisters in me.


I done told you my ex-husband, Satan, is callin', textin' twitterin' and emailin' me every time I turn around. At least he's happy fer now, 'bout that new holiday of his, Listmas. It's catchin' on like Strep Throat. He did get a jump start signin' up all them Wal-Mart Stampeders. Satan says don't nobody read the fine print on nothin', I reckon he's right. I ain't seen him this excited since he thunk up 9-11. He wants me to tell y'all he thunk up Cyber Monday as well as Black Friday. Yep, he noticed that while the 6 other deadly sins was up durin' the first few weeks in December, sloth was down, so....yeah. Oh, he ain't no dummy. He studies all that stuff non-stop..... works too much, that's why we broke up. It's too bad he set his mind on evil, he could have done a lot of good. Lawrd, he gits a snootfull and calls me cryin' all the time. Always askin' me why nobody likes him and if Jesus is still mad at him..... I ain't gittin' in the middle of that. Most his troubles is his own fault, really. Still, I try not to piss him oft 'cause of my alimony check. Puts me in a tight spot, with me bein' a modern day prophet and all. But the pay on bein' a prophet wouldn't even cover my liqour bill. It ain't easy bein' all things to all people.

Anyhoo, let's see what we got on this desk of mine. Well, look a here. My Texas friend, Aria, at http://ariazink.blogspot.com/ is loadin' me up with some awards! That gal is too good to me, I mean it. Baby 2.0's gone have to take the truck over there to pick all them up...goodness gracious! Then here's one from my lil sprite of a friend, Quirkster at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. That gal tickles me! And my soul sista, Angie, over at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ done give me an award a while back. I got to try to keep up with my correspondence better than this, Shug.Makes me look unorganized and ungrateful and only half that is true. I reckon I am gone have to hire me a new assistant. Looks like mine is gone stay out with the root rot a while longer.

And here's a message that my buddy , Ettarose done tagged me http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/. You know, Hon. This gives me a good opportunity to get some thing oft my chest that has been worryin' me.Laura Bush sent me a list of pranks they is plannin' to pull on the Obamas when they leave the White House. Some of 'em is funny, but some of 'em is a bit over the top. Laura is the one who came up with all of 'em. Dub ain't all that creative, you know. But Laura, she's the one you got to keep an eye on. Here's the list. Maybe iffin I post it here, the Obamas can get wind of it and save themselves some trouble.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE. BY LAURA BUSH.

1. Stuff shrimp hulls in all closet rods of private residence.


2. Suspend raw chickens mid way down every chimney.


3. Switch all hot and cold faucets.


4. Put rubber bands over all spray nozzles.


5. Take all clappers and remotes.


6. Replace Presidential China with NASCAR commemorative plates.


7. Put cigarette buts under carpet pads in every room of private residence.


8. Switch all Presidential Magic 8 Balls to ones I had made that only say "MAYBE".


9. Replace all ball point pens in Oval Office to disappearing ink pens from Spencer's.


10. Put gold fish in all water cooler tanks.


11. Super glue Oval Office desk drawers shut.


12. Cancel the Obama's change of address at post office.


13. Cross White House private residence phone number with Domino's Pizza number between the hours of 11:00pm- 3:00am every Friday and Saturday night.


14. Infest entire area and grounds with fleas and sugar ants.


15. Leave a male and female cricket in each bedroom.


16. Disconnect doorbells.


17. Paint Green Room red.


18. Replace carpet in Blue Room with lime green shag.


19. Paint Red Room green.


20. Hang sign in East Room that reads, "Now facing West."


21. Set all clocks back 15 minutes.


22. Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine.


23. Release aphids in Rose Garden.


24. Turn off all hot water heaters.


25. Remove all light bulbs from White House.

Like I said, you got to watch Laura. I am fixin' to give her a buzz and see can I talk her into takin' the high road here. Darlin' do you have any way we can git in touch with Michelle and them and give 'em a heads up? I hate to see 'em start out with no hot water or lights. And they won't get no Christmas cards from none of their friends with their mail not being delivered. That there is jist too mean. Now, Shug. You come with me while I go melt down all this precious metal. It was a bitch poppin' all them stones out the settins. Harry Winston puts 'em in there real tight, I will say that. Grab that flask and them Marlboros, Babe. This won't take long. What would I do without you, Hon? You and me is the only sane folks I know.

Mama goes to the Head Master's office.

Hey, Sweetcheeks! How has your day been? Good...how's your Mama and them doing? Tell her I asked about her. I'm sorry I haven't written sooner. I finally have a few extra minutes in the stall and I thought I'd give you a shout. My day started real early. When Won Ton brought my Bloody Mary in this morning, I was up and dressed. Already lacquered my legs with that Sally Hansen Airbrush Tan-looks just like real hosiery. Splurged on some Press On Nails. Even used up what was left of my Aqua-Net and Charlie Perfume. Yep, I broke out the Miracle Bra for this meeting-it might take one. Won Ton looked me up and down and said, "Dayam, Mama! You rook hot. Why you so dlessed up? We going to War-Malt or something?" That boy always tickles me pink. I said, "No, Baby. I got to go down and see the Head Master at that upitty school all your brothers and sisters go to for free 'cause y'all are so damned smart." Won Ton said, "Awww, sh*t, what them kids did now? One of the Juniors "Duck" Tape teachel to seat again? I betta go wif you, Mama." He's just a toddler, so I don't correct him when he says "duck" tape, it's too cute. I said , "Well, all right, Babycakes. Run along and change your diaper. Fix Mama another drink while you're up Darlin', and make it a double. It's going to be a long way till noon." Truth is I'm always glad to have him with me-that toot's one stone-cold negotiator and I had no idea what lay ahead.

I went up and down the trailer spraying all the sleeping children with the garden hose- that counts as a bath in my book, Won Ton banged pots and pans behind me. Because of my heritage, I cry wolf a lot. But I mean it this time-all my young have to start hitting the deck around 2:00 a.m.- no matter how much fun we're having!. I hate to be so tough on them, but it's just pure D hell for Won Ton to get them up in the morning. After I fixed a tub full of spicy possum chili, their favorite breakfast, we all loaded up in Gutter Ball's flatbed and headed off to We Are Better Than You Academy. That's a precious picture of us Shugabone snapped. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. Anyhoo, by the time Won Ton and I got to Dr. Uptight Pinhead-Headmaster's office, I hadn't been so nervous since the last time I saw my parole officer......

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