That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Things to do before leaving the White House, by Laura Bush





Hey, Hon! You better git your tail on in this trailer. I have been missin' you like a good pair of scissors. Give me one of your hugs. Damn, Darlin' you is a sight fer sore eyes. I am jist 'bout finished with that Harry Winston stuff. Waitin' on a few Ebay auctions to end here shortly. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Jack and Coke. You can visit with me while I clean oft my desk. I ain't hardly had time to go through my mail with Jitters and them pesterin' blisters in me.


I done told you my ex-husband, Satan, is callin', textin' twitterin' and emailin' me every time I turn around. At least he's happy fer now, 'bout that new holiday of his, Listmas. It's catchin' on like Strep Throat. He did get a jump start signin' up all them Wal-Mart Stampeders. Satan says don't nobody read the fine print on nothin', I reckon he's right. I ain't seen him this excited since he thunk up 9-11. He wants me to tell y'all he thunk up Cyber Monday as well as Black Friday. Yep, he noticed that while the 6 other deadly sins was up durin' the first few weeks in December, sloth was down, so....yeah. Oh, he ain't no dummy. He studies all that stuff non-stop..... works too much, that's why we broke up. It's too bad he set his mind on evil, he could have done a lot of good. Lawrd, he gits a snootfull and calls me cryin' all the time. Always askin' me why nobody likes him and if Jesus is still mad at him..... I ain't gittin' in the middle of that. Most his troubles is his own fault, really. Still, I try not to piss him oft 'cause of my alimony check. Puts me in a tight spot, with me bein' a modern day prophet and all. But the pay on bein' a prophet wouldn't even cover my liqour bill. It ain't easy bein' all things to all people.

Anyhoo, let's see what we got on this desk of mine. Well, look a here. My Texas friend, Aria, at http://ariazink.blogspot.com/ is loadin' me up with some awards! That gal is too good to me, I mean it. Baby 2.0's gone have to take the truck over there to pick all them up...goodness gracious! Then here's one from my lil sprite of a friend, Quirkster at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. That gal tickles me! And my soul sista, Angie, over at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ done give me an award a while back. I got to try to keep up with my correspondence better than this, Shug.Makes me look unorganized and ungrateful and only half that is true. I reckon I am gone have to hire me a new assistant. Looks like mine is gone stay out with the root rot a while longer.

And here's a message that my buddy , Ettarose done tagged me http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/. You know, Hon. This gives me a good opportunity to get some thing oft my chest that has been worryin' me.Laura Bush sent me a list of pranks they is plannin' to pull on the Obamas when they leave the White House. Some of 'em is funny, but some of 'em is a bit over the top. Laura is the one who came up with all of 'em. Dub ain't all that creative, you know. But Laura, she's the one you got to keep an eye on. Here's the list. Maybe iffin I post it here, the Obamas can get wind of it and save themselves some trouble.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE. BY LAURA BUSH.


  1. Stuff shrimp hulls in all closet rods of private residence.

  2. Suspend raw chickens mid way down every chimney.

  3. Switch all hot and cold faucets.

  4. Put rubber bands over all spray nozzles.

  5. Take all clappers and remotes.

  6. Replace Presidential China with NASCAR commemorative plates.

  7. Put cigarette buts under carpet pads in every room of private residence.

  8. Switch all Presidential Magic 8 Balls to ones I had made that only say "MAYBE".

  9. Replace all ball point pens in Oval Office to disappearing ink pens from Spencer's.

  10. Put gold fish in all water cooler tanks.

  11. Super glue Oval Office desk drawers shut.

  12. Cancel the Obama's change of address at post office.

  13. Cross White House private residence phone number with Domino's Pizza number between the hours of 11:00pm- 3:00am every Friday and Saturday night.

  14. Infest entire area and grounds with fleas and sugar ants.

  15. Leave a male and female cricket in each bedroom.

  16. Disconnect doorbells.

  17. Paint Green Room red.

  18. Replace carpet in Blue Room with lime green shag.

  19. Paint Red Room green.

  20. Hang sign in East Room that reads, "Now facing West."

  21. Set all clocks back 15 minutes.

  22. Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine.

  23. Release aphids in Rose Garden.

  24. Turn off all hot water heaters.

  25. Remove all light bulbs from White House.

Like I said, you got to watch Laura. I am fixin' to give her a buzz and see can I talk her into takin' the high road here. Darlin' do you have any way we can git in touch with Michelle and them and give 'em a heads up? I hate to see 'em start out with no hot water or lights. And they won't get no Christmas cards from none of their friends with their mail not being delivered. That there is jist too mean. Now, Shug. You come with me while I go melt down all this precious metal. It was a bitch poppin' all them stones out the settins. Harry Winston puts 'em in there real tight, I will say that. Grab that flask and them Marlboros, Babe. This won't take long. What would I do without you, Hon? You and me is the only sane folks I know.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Evie Baby,
Sounds like you and that Laura Bush would git along great. 'Member that time you replaced my hairspray with Sure Grip? After the brush got stuck in my hair, I jist had to shave ma head. It still ain't growed back. I think it glued my follicles shut. Oh, well. I kinda like the bald look...easier maintenance and I got enough hair on the rest of my body. Would you come spray down ma back with that stuff? I'd be obliged. Keep up the good works. That and just a little bit o' faith is gonna git you by the bouncer at the pearly gates.

Free Wheeler

Thinkinfyou said...

WOW,sounds like Laura going to do more work leaving the White House than Dubyah did in all 8 yrs!

Da Old Man said...

Should she really be pranking the new residents like that? It's funny, but still just doesn't seem right.

Quirkyloon said...

My personal favorite? #13. Genius!

"Hello, Whitehouse, may I take your order?"

heh heh

You are a wild and funny one Eve!

eve cleveland said...

Free Wheeler...
I wished I hadn't done that cause you sho is ugly bald headed.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

T....
Let me tell you somethin' that gal could have gotten things done iffin he'd given her the chance.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
I know, some of it is jist too much. I 'bout got Laura talked into bein' reasonable.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Quirkster,
I thought that was cute too. The girls will get a kick out of that.
Eve

Joel Klebanoff said...

My guess is that if Dubyah got to choose what sat on the Library shelves during his presidency then 22, Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine, won't involve all that much work.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

My goodness, that Laura is a busy woman. Don't get on her bad side, else you'll wind up on her ToDo list!

nikkicrumpet said...

Hey...Laura has plenty to be peeved about...She should be allowed to blow of some steam. I'm gonna be laughing about the Nascar plates all night!

Marvel Goose said...

Sweetums I shore hope she put some Louisiana shrimp in them curtain rods. If'n it be some of that carpetbaggin' Thailand shrimp there'll be hell to pay. Obamamama is spicy 'nuf - she don' need no extra pepper sauce drippin' on them power suits.

oh, and I almos' fergot to remember, you left out number 25. Put some loads in a pack o' Marlboro's and leave 'em in Obama's desk. First time he take a drag those Secret Service men'll be tossin' him on the ground 'cause they'll be shore that some terrist has done taken him a pot shot.

See ya around, darlin'. Give my love to Satan.

The Muse said...

Oh this is soooo good!
(but you know that already, right )! LOL

ettarose said...

Eve, Where the hell you been honey? I have been worried about you. Now don't go trying to solve the White House's new residents problems. I am sure those secret service people will let Joe Lieberman find the stinky crabs, or shrimp or whatever Laura is hiding.

Lidian said...

Hard to pick a favorite prank here, but I do love the Presidential Magic 8 Balls that only say "Maybe"!

That is what my Magic 8 Ball says a lot these days.

eve cleveland said...

Joel...
Oh, he had a fit when Laura tried to make him leave his Mad Magazines there!
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Nanny,
I tell you what,Girl. Under that smooth hairdo and cardigan is a real hell-cat.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Nikkster...
Darlin', I hope you like 'em. I ordered you a set for Christmas. They looked jist like some of the classy stuff you got.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Marvel Goose...
Hahahaha! Love it, you and Laura sure nuff don't need to git together. And please give Satan a call iffin you is willin' to talk to him. Lawrd, knows I could use a break from that jerk every now and then.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Muse...
This is all Laura's doin', Hon.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Ettarose...
It ain't easy bein' all things to all people, Shug. But such is my lot in life.
Eve.

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

I think Laura should also put dead fish between the mattress and box spring of the presidential bed and run dental floss at ankle level between all the door ways.

eve cleveland said...

John J...
Those are so good they kind of scare me, Babe. You got some experience here? I know how you I-talians can get.
Eve

AngieSS said...

Wow...she's a mad evil genius. Too bad she didn't run the country while he stayed at home as first lady!! #22 was obviously my favorite...hehehe

Girlfriend you is soooooo funny!

~Static~ said...

Well I do declare, Eve. I believe you are making fun of southern folk, and the good name Laura Bush has tried so hard to hold onto...largely silent during her stay in the White House, she did manage to call her husband "Mr. Excitement" and said she told him that if he wanted to "end tyranny in the world" he would have to stay up later. She even used the old joke that he "tried to milk a horse ... and what's worse it was a male horse." She also jokingly compared mother-in-law Barbara Bush to "Don Corleone."

Yeah, she's a real hoot.
Now git yo ass in this trailer girl, you got a date with the lap rocket...

Chat Blanc said...

oh that Laura, she's such a card! maybe all those pranks are pent up rage at George just misdirected. it might be good therapy for her to keep a few of them. ;)

eve cleveland said...

Ang...
Gettin' Dubya to part with them back issues of Mad Magazine was gone git ugly! Next time you in the check out line at the Piggly Wiggly you can read all about it.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Static...
Says here on my schedule we sure nuff got us a date. I am gone have to run me a Bounce over my skirt to avoid me gittin' shocked! Dude, that hair of yours is electrofryin.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Chat Blanc (Kitty!)
You know, Laura could probably use a really good shrink right now. I done shot mine when he said I was nuts. Do you know of one?
Eve

Dan Brantley said...

Eve - Did you live in an apartment near the junior college in Dallas once? I swear that is exactly how the previous tenants left the place. The chickens were easy to find after a few days, but Arlene lost her perfume counter job at Target because her clothes always smelled like she worked at Long John Silvers.
Fess up Eve. It was you wasn't it?!

Anndi said...

Laura Bush at Spencers... the images that conjures up!

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.