I admire my strength....

Lord, I have not been so happy to see a soul since the last time I saw you. How you been, Baby? Get on in here and tell me 'bout it. You have a good day, Hon? Awww, I'm sorry to hear that, but it sure nuff don't show on you, not a bit. Sorry, we got a crowd in the trailer. It's our Won Ton Estates' Pot Luck Supper night. Yeah, Sweetheart, those do creep round quite regular. I think you know everybody here. It's all the usual suspects. I know, Darlin', Jitters don't live here at the park, but she calls herself invited every time. That frickin' freeloadin' midget troll...let me tell you what I burnt daylight doin' with her today. I had to carry her lardass out to hunt for a Matron of Honor dress so she can stand up for Bristol Palin at her nuptials. Let me tell you what, it's not easy to find an appropriate dress for a midget who is 4 months pregnant with triplets. Especially with the "red white and you" theme Sarah is hellbent on. As usual, I am the designated step-n-fetch it! God knows I'm weary, but today, the Lord did shine some light my way.....Hang on, Baby, I'm fixin' to tell you.

I know it was a pure case of Divine Intervention. I found a XXXL, red sequined tube top on the clearance rack at Dirt Cheap for $1.18!!!! Oh, Hell yeah, I did. Naawww, LoveBug. It's not just 'cause I'm a savy shopper with a real eye for style. I got to give God the Glory on this treasure. I jammed that sonofabitch over Jitters' head and guess what. No. It damn near covers most of her body. Why I am so blessed, I will never know. I wished you had seen her prancin' round like she was on "Dancin' with them Stars."

Everything was rockin' along till Jitters' false eye done popped clean out of the socket and rolled oft. It does that every time she gets her groove on. Course, it's always me that has to go lookin' for the damn thang. I was blessed again when I found it in the dustpan there at the Dirt Cheap. Just had a lil fuzz on it, not like last time! I hope you never have to deal with a Pitt Bull eatin' a glass eye. It's not pretty, I've still got scars up and down my forearms from that debacle.

Anyhoo, Babe. What do you say we get us a piece of that cake I made special for the social tonight? If I do say so myself, it's almost too nice to cut into. But, I know you are the only person here that's worth it!

World Dominatrix- I Heart Humor Bloggers!

Oh, Lord, I have never been so glad to lay eyes on anybody in my life! How you been gettin' along, Baby? Bring your cute tail on in this trailer and fix me a drank (spank!). You been workin' out, Hon? Well, it's workin' for me. Damn, you sure are lookin' good .....Just dump them night goggles, jumper cables and pizza boxes oft the fold out and and let's snuggle for a lil bit. Ahhh, it's lovely to be off the clock.... So, I'm real glad to hear you been doin' good. Oh, I'm fine, been thinkin' bout you all the time, as usual. But still, productive. Why, yes, I did put new-ish tin foil in the windows, nothin' gets by my Man! It freshens things up a bit, don't it? Yeah, I'm still sprucing for my twin sister , Tinsel's ,visit. This place is startin' to come together.

What's that, Shuga? Oh, yep, I did dye the wall to wall flooring black. You are so observant. Well I reckon I splashed some of that black stain on my hands. Not to worry, it will wear oft in two , three months- tops. Just look... now you can barely make out them bloodstains in the hall! Jeez, since Won Ton became my landlord, he has turned into a true tightwad! God knows, I bucked for real carpet. It shames me to tell that my own son won't replace this astro turf before his Auntie Tinsel's visit. That boy one tough toddler, I kid you not....

Oh, Darlin', don't get me going on that. Let's have some fun. Honey, you are too far away. Scoot on ova here. Come on, I won't bite you unless you want me to! Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. How was my day? You know, you are the only one who ever asks me that, don't you Baby? Just another reason I am so smitten with you. Well, I was fixin to tell you... I had to run by Jitters and glue that gotdam front tooth of hers on AGAIN! Gorilla Glue just ain'tholding it like it used to. She needs to lay off that corn on the cob...she eats it to torture me. That frickin' troll doll... how long will I be tethered to her? I hate her more than snakes. Here I go complainin' again, I'm sorry, Babe.

On to more pleasant topics...You know how I'm forever yammerin' about the fun we have over at Humor Bloggers http://www.humorbloggers.com/? Well, guess what. No, Shuga. The good folks over there have devised a pretty rock solid plan for us to dominate the world in just one week. Do I need to tell you that I doubled down on that? I know a lil sumthin' sumthin' about the whole Dominatrix thing, don't I, LoveBug? Hmmm, yeah. Uh-huh....

Anyhoo, we are supposed to be creating an awareness about how superior our member's blogs are. Duh, dat! It says it plain as day on the header- we are the funniest humor writers in the world! Plus, we have to be voted in by stringent process that involves being clad in ALL white. Baby, you know I'm a team player, right? Shhhhh, Darlin', all that was supposed to be between us.! And you STILL need to get that video of me oft the U Tube unless you are going to find a way to capitalize on it! Oh, I'm sorry again, Hon. I know how you hate when I bring my work home with me. Baby, you just settle down now. Let's not talk about my bidness .

The plan for World Domination calls for us to pimp another blogger who is not a member of our Empire right now and invite them to join. There are some real funny ones out there. I'm gonna go with "15 Minute Lunch" at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/. Go hit that and see if you don't get a kick out of him. I don't know this dude personally, but I'd like to...He looks just like G.I. Joe, I've always kinda had a thing for a man in uniform. Oh, Baby, don't start getting all jealous, it's only an avatar for Pete's sake! This deal is a purely professional interest in the quality of his writing. I simply admire his art form and creative use for seemingly mundane topics. I've got to do my duty to for my colleagues at Humor Bloggers.

Now, I want to do something special for you for voting for me as Blog of the Year ova there, Darlin. http://www.humorbloggers.com/. The whole thing's probably rigged and I have a snowball's chance of winning, but I felt the love from you. Thank you for takin' the time to stop by and cast a vote for me. It sure means a lot. I'm gonna make it worth you while. We just git each other, and you are the wind beneath my wings! You know that is one of my favorite songs. Hey, what do you say we hot wire us a Camero and go up to the Sonic for corn dawgs...my treat! Hey, Baby, wait for me!

"Happy Birthday to, Who?"

Hey, Hon! You're right on time to join the fun. Yep, it's the first day of a new month and y'all know what that means around here That's right...the monthly birthday party for my Juniors and Juniorettes! What's this...October? That's a big one for us. I got 6 or 7 of them born sometime in October. I'm not sure because we do it on the honor system. A couple of those rascals take after their Daddies and try to double dip on the birthdays. Their brothers and sisters usually call them out and remind them of one of our trailer rules, "Each child has only one birthday per calendar year." I know that sounds harsh but, I have to run a tight ship with all these critters I got. Since I'm not a stickler for details, I do allow them to pick their own birthday. It's easier on me than trying to keep track of all that. And believe me, my kids don't forget their birthdays, whenever they are. I told you they are sharp as tacks.


We always have a big time at our celebrations. I had to put a cap on the guest list after the cops busted us last month. So now, each child only gets to invite 70 friends! For God's sake, what child's birthday party doesn't have drunk and disorderly conduct? These officers must not be parents. Would you believe that those pigs gave me a citation for our Vagrant Pinata? And he was such a big hit! I mean, the dude was already long dead when I hung him up and I am the one who discovered his body. I imagined that he would be happy that his death was not in vain because he brought such joy to these children. Well, the police and I rarely see eye to eye on anything, you know my record.


Baby, while you're here would you mind giving me a hand with some of this stuff? Can you ice down that keg so it will be nice and cold when the other children arrive? Thanks, Sugar. Not many people know this but, some kids don't like Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. So, I make a big batch of trash can punch for the picky ones. That's the kind of mother I am. I'm fixing to ask Skeeter if I can borrow his flatbed to go pick up the cake. He is such a talker though. I really don't have time to chit chat with him right now. I'll hot wire it and be back before he realizes it's gone. If he says anything, just tell him he's tripping again. Be back in a jiff! Told you! Man, that cake was a bitch to unload. I'll go over later and hose down Skeet's flatbed.


Anyhoo, I love to cook up all the kid's favorite snacks for these bashes. I've got sugar coated mothballs, spicy broken light bulbs, taper candles with ranch dip, trash (I have the best recipe.), a motor oil fountain, anti-freeze snow cones, AAA batteries, and of course, packing peanuts. I hope you're hungry! Pollock fixed up the favor bags with, razor blades, cigarettes, matches, spray paint, bottle openers, switch blades, sugar cubes, skoal, you know, the usual fare.


Oh, and we play the most wonderful games! My children are so creative that we've made up a lot of them ourselves. They play a variation on the classic game "Dodge the Axe" called "Ice Pick Darts". That is more fun for the little one's because axes are heavy. They love one called, "Let's see how long you can hold your breath" Oh, that reminds me, fill up that galvanized tub with gasoline for me would you, Baby? They have such fun playing hide and seek in all our broken appliances. But, their favorite game is called "Is this my Daddy?" That's one they made up too. It's easy to put together. All you need is a milk crate full of photos of all the men who might be their father and hand held mirror for the child to look into. That keeps 'em busy for hours!


Each month, I offer free tattoos and the kids line up in droves. This time I am offering Hello Kitty, SpongeBob or Dawg, the Bounty Hunter. Lord, I see Jitters just wheeled up. Thank God her clown car is finally out of the shop. She is going to blast herself out of a cannon like she does every year. I'm tired of it, but the kids get a real kick out of it. I have been able to put my circus days behind me but she apparently can't let hers go. Well, I am not going to let that glory-grabbing troll steal my thunder today. Come on, let's get this party started. Tell Kid to fire up that amp, would you, LoveBug? I'll fix us a pitcher of trash can punch and meet you by the Jello pool. Do you mind toting that beer bong down there for me? You've been such a help! Thanks, Baby. You know I love you, don't you? I'll be right down...

That Sarah Palin can still drink me under the table!

Hey, Honey. Sorry I've been a little out of touch. I didn't even have time to rinse the molasses and glitter off me from the SpankBank Magazine photo shoot when Sarah Palin and her family wheeled up to the trailer for our shin-dig. She gave me a big old bear hug and said,"Eve, you haven't changed a bit!" Guess what that girl brought me. No, a wild monkey! Cutest thing I've ever seen. I think once he gets used to being indoors he will settle down. What a thoughtful gift. The Juniors named him Pollock because he likes to throw sh#t around. Pollock's going to be a great addition to our family.
Sarah and I met years ago when I won the Ididorod. We've been real close ever since. That baby, Trig ,is my Godson. I couldn't be there for his birth, because I was incarcerated, so I was pleased as punch to finally lay eyes on on the little bugger. Sarah's going to leave him with me while she's out campaigning. He's no trouble at all.
Well, everbody scarfed down the tuna casserole I'd taken out of the deep freeze. I think it tastes better when served frozen and from all the dirty Chinette plates, I'd say it was a big hit. We had time to do a couple of shots of Jaegermeister before we all loaded up and went to Jitters'wrestling match. Even Daddy came out of the dryer to join us. I was glad. He's been so down since his ice cream truck was stolen. As usual, Jitters beat the stuffing out of her opponent. She's so damned cocky! Y'all check it out on that top UTube video up there in the corner. You will see why I can't ever have that troll mad at me!
All the kids had a big time playing with the flamethrowers. Kid and Kracker jammed for us till dawn out at the Jello pool. Yep, we sure made some memories.
I had to spray all my Juniors and Juniorettes down with the garden hose early this morning so we could get up to the school. Y'all remember that I instituted my new plan to improve Car Pool traffic flow. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. I put my baby, Won Ton, in charge of tazing any adult who got out of their car. He's got such good aim. The 49 wrecker drivers I had at the scene quickly towed the empty vehicles while the owners were still knocked out. Car Pool problem solved. And that laundry service the school is providing me is going to be a lifesaver too. Now I can just drop them all off nekid after their hose bath and they get dressed at school! Sometimes, I can't believe how blessed I am.