Hey, Hon! You're right on time to join the fun. Yep, it's the first day of a new month and y'all know what that means around here That's right...the monthly birthday party for my Juniors and Juniorettes! What's this...October? That's a big one for us. I got 6 or 7 of them born sometime in October. I'm not sure because we do it on the honor system. A couple of those rascals take after their Daddies and try to double dip on the birthdays. Their brothers and sisters usually call them out and remind them of one of our trailer rules, "Each child has only one birthday per calendar year." I know that sounds harsh but, I have to run a tight ship with all these critters I got. Since I'm not a stickler for details, I do allow them to pick their own birthday. It's easier on me than trying to keep track of all that. And believe me, my kids don't forget their birthdays, whenever they are. I told you they are sharp as tacks.
We always have a big time at our celebrations. I had to put a cap on the guest list after the cops busted us last month. So now, each child only gets to invite 70 friends! For God's sake, what child's birthday party doesn't have drunk and disorderly conduct? These officers must not be parents. Would you believe that those pigs gave me a citation for our Vagrant Pinata? And he was such a big hit! I mean, the dude was already long dead when I hung him up and I am the one who discovered his body. I imagined that he would be happy that his death was not in vain because he brought such joy to these children. Well, the police and I rarely see eye to eye on anything, you know my record.
Baby, while you're here would you mind giving me a hand with some of this stuff? Can you ice down that keg so it will be nice and cold when the other children arrive? Thanks, Sugar. Not many people know this but, some kids don't like Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. So, I make a big batch of trash can punch for the picky ones. That's the kind of mother I am. I'm fixing to ask Skeeter if I can borrow his flatbed to go pick up the cake. He is such a talker though. I really don't have time to chit chat with him right now. I'll hot wire it and be back before he realizes it's gone. If he says anything, just tell him he's tripping again. Be back in a jiff! Told you! Man, that cake was a bitch to unload. I'll go over later and hose down Skeet's flatbed.
Anyhoo, I love to cook up all the kid's favorite snacks for these bashes. I've got sugar coated mothballs, spicy broken light bulbs, taper candles with ranch dip, trash (I have the best recipe.), a motor oil fountain, anti-freeze snow cones, AAA batteries, and of course, packing peanuts. I hope you're hungry! Pollock fixed up the favor bags with, razor blades, cigarettes, matches, spray paint, bottle openers, switch blades, sugar cubes, skoal, you know, the usual fare.
Oh, and we play the most wonderful games! My children are so creative that we've made up a lot of them ourselves. They play a variation on the classic game "Dodge the Axe" called "Ice Pick Darts". That is more fun for the little one's because axes are heavy. They love one called, "Let's see how long you can hold your breath" Oh, that reminds me, fill up that galvanized tub with gasoline for me would you, Baby? They have such fun playing hide and seek in all our broken appliances. But, their favorite game is called "Is this my Daddy?" That's one they made up too. It's easy to put together. All you need is a milk crate full of photos of all the men who might be their father and hand held mirror for the child to look into. That keeps 'em busy for hours!
Each month, I offer free tattoos and the kids line up in droves. This time I am offering Hello Kitty, SpongeBob or Dawg, the Bounty Hunter. Lord, I see Jitters just wheeled up. Thank God her clown car is finally out of the shop. She is going to blast herself out of a cannon like she does every year. I'm tired of it, but the kids get a real kick out of it. I have been able to put my circus days behind me but she apparently can't let hers go. Well, I am not going to let that glory-grabbing troll steal my thunder today. Come on, let's get this party started. Tell Kid to fire up that amp, would you, LoveBug? I'll fix us a pitcher of trash can punch and meet you by the Jello pool. Do you mind toting that beer bong down there for me? You've been such a help! Thanks, Baby. You know I love you, don't you? I'll be right down...