Well, Baby, that was some birthday party! Set here with me while I count up the money. Let's see, each of my October babies invited 70 guests. So the crowd topped out at 740. Those gotdam cops, and the frickin fire marshal and their silly "occupancy laws". "Fire Hazard" my rickety tookus. They just don't want anyone to have any fun. Hell, we've had more that 2,000 people in this trailer and still had plenty of room-it's a double wide! But I suppose I'll stick to it as long as we are under surveillance. But putting a limit on the crowd really pinched our profit. Anyhoo, with the $5 cover charge, we ended up clearing a little over a grand. Not the kind of money we're used to, but still it doesn't suck. Plus, all 7 of my honorees ended up with about $1,400 in cash and prizes. So, not bad for an afternoon. Boy, having that bulldozer made clean up a breeze! For the November Birthday Bash, I may add a couple of bucks to the cover. All my Juniors and Juniorettes are real smart and none of them picked a December birthday. You come out on the short end of that stick, believe me, they are no dummies.
Anyhoo, Darlin', I want to get your opinion on something. Now I'm counting on you to tell me the truth here. Do you remember yesterday when I was telling you how I have to run a pretty tight ship? Yeah, that's right....you are such a good listener. That's one of many things I love about you. Not many people know this but, children need rules. As a single mother with over 20 of my own kids and God knows how many more who aren't, I do know a good bit about parenting. Do you think I might help some folks if I published some of my Trailer Rules? You know, just to give parents an example of the kind of guidance their young ones need....Do you really? I don't want to sound like a know it all or anything. Well...I guess you are right about my unique experience. Are sure it doesn't sounds like I think I am Dr. Dobson or something. These are just few suggestions that have helped our household run more smoothly. O. K. I'll run them up the flagpole then. Here goes.
1. ALWAYS PUT MAMA'S SHOTGUN BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT.
2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO EAT A GOOD BREAKFAST, SO GET UP IN TIME TO FIX YOURSELF ONE.
3. IF YOU HAVE TO RUN WITH SCISSORS, PUT THE POINT FACING DOWN.
4. ALWAYS ASK IF YOU CAN BE PAID IN CASH.
5. IF YOU COME IN DRUNK PAST MIDNIGHT, BE QUIET.
6. ALWAYS CALL ALL OF MAMA'S MAN FRIEND'S "SIR", NEVER USE A PROPER NAME-EVER! DO YOUR BEST NOT TO SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO.
7. IF YOU HAVE TO LIE, MAKE SURE IT IS A DAMN GOOD ONE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD LIAR!
8. CHOOSE YOUR TATTOOS VERY CAREFULLY.
9. NEVER MARRY ANYONE ON THE FIRST DATE.
10. ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY PER YEAR, PER CHILD.
11. DO NOT WRITE ON ANY ONE'S FACE WITH A SHARPIE.
12. THE FIRST ONE UP BRINGS MAMA A PITCHER OF BLOODY MARYS IN BED.
13. DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO MAMA UNTIL SHE HAS FINISHED HER BLOODY MARYS.
14.DO YOUR BEST TO WORK YOUR PROBLEMS OUT YOURSELF. TELL MAMA ABOUT IT ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.
So, those are just a few of the rules we have around here. I know some of them sound a little strict. But, children need well defined parameters. Try it at your trailer. I'd love to hear any parenting tips that you've found helpful too, Hon.