That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Altar Ego: Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows

Hey, Hon! Git that tail of yours on in this church and give me a hug. How you doin? Your mama and them was up to the Piggly Wiggly yesterdee. Yeah, I seen what you was tellin' me, Shug. But there jist ain't no easy way to tell a woman her hair's goin' sparse. Some thangs is better left in the strongbox, and that there is one of 'em, Darlin. She still got a right perty face, iffin you take a shot, squint your eyes and stand far away. It was nice to visit with her. I hope that left side of her body gets back to movin' soon. She wore me slap out, havin' me to scratch her good ankle. She's swelled up like dead horse. Them Tweedy Bird socks is cuttin' at her circulation.

Anyhoo, I'm fixin' to put you to work, Lovebug. Yep, it's time fer our monthly community service project here at Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows. Awww, we did have a ball and chain with Katfish fer Konvikts . But this time's fer the homeless. Some folks out there ain't got a bottle to spit in nor a winder to chunk it out of- much less a can of Skoal. Why, they'd be pleased as punch to come to a fork in the road- jist to have a eatin' utensil. Hon, not all persons is as lucky to be blessed as we is. So, I'm the chairperson fer this here "Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program.

Fore I spearheaded this committee, it shames me to tell you what they was passin' out to these indigenous people. How would you like to be in between trailers and somebody hands you a can of baby peas-without so much as a can opener, for Gawd's sake? Who in the Heyall would be thankful for that? I say they is jist lucky none of them do-gooders needed stitches after dolin' out pure D crap that had been collectin' dust in their pantry all year. Y'all, jist 'cause folks is homeless, it don't mean they is stupid or ain't got no taste buds. In these uncertain times, folks need a way to ease their troubles, not be reminded of 'em.

Now, we do it my way. I got a lot of experience knowin' what bums need...I married a gaggle of 'em. And I've been runnin' a 3/4 way house at the Won Ton Estates fer low these many years. It does strain me at times. But all of my clients is real cheerful 'bout makin' generous cash donations to fund my philanthropies when I expound my shenanigans to 'em. I'd like to give those fellas credit here, but my customer's anonymity is the cornerstone of my success and their benevolence. C' me, Baby 2.0 and all the Joons stuff these grocery buggies up with the followin' items.
  • One "You Is Here" Doormat
  • One weather thermometer
  • 12 packages of Glide Dental Floss
  • 12 Packages of "Supersmile" the Toothwhitening Gum
  • 1 I pod Nano loaded up and charged (don't ferget the good headphones)
  • 1medium sized dry erase board and 20 markers (different colors)
  • 1 $3,000 gift certificate to Starbucks
  • 15 Bottles of Axe Body Spray in Volcano Ash
  • 100 Hand Warmers, normally used by deer hunters
  • 5 Leppi' Selk Bags - see that photo up yonder? Now why didn't I thank a that? They's like a sleepin' bag...only you wear 'em. (again, consider the person when chosin' the color)
  • 12o packages of Clearasil Facial Wipes
  • 150 packages of plaid boxers (ask the size, you not gone embarrass 'em)
  • 100 bottles of Psssssst Instant Spray Shampoo
  • 120 boxes of Zone Bars (ask what their favorite flava is)
  • 1 $10,000 gift certificate to Motel 6 (sorry, I couldn't git no place nicer fer 'em.)
  • 16 boxes of Zicam Nasal Swabs
  • 10 half gallons of their favorite whiskey and 2 shot glasses (in case they get company)
  • 1 boars head bristle brush
  • 1 shatterproof hand held mirror
  • $250 in cash
  • 7 pair Levi's button fronts
  • 3 pairs of Cole Haan Loafers
  • 5 Brooks Brothers No Iron Dress Shirts (White Only)
  • 6 Shout Stain Remover Sticks
  • 1 Mental Floss Book (they need to have some bull - in case they meet someone.)
  • 1 copy of Holidays On Ice by David Sedaris ( He started oft as a Elf fer Gawd's sake...)
  • 6 monogrammed linen cocktail napkins
  • 12 Trapp Orange Vanilla Candles (don't ferget the lighters!)
  • 1 down body pillow from Land's End
  • 1 coupon fer free laundry service at any "Ancient Chinese Secret My Ass...." (Lawrd, Won Ton is gone kick my tail fer that one. I'll handle him, I am his Mama.) folding service y'all... wash only... Lawrd, I can already hear him.

I know it ain't much. I jist wished I could have gotten 'em all a Smart Car. I'm lobbyin' now fer next year. I hope this stop gap measure brangs a smile to some unfortunable people this week. I only got about 10,000 of these buggies to give away. Rest of the folks can crash with me at the 3/4 house till they git their sh#t together. I don't like no one to be alone on the Holidays, cept Jitters. And you and me both know, that ain't gone happen.'Cause she refuses to die. Anyhoo, Merry Thanksgivin', Shug. Awwww, I done almost fergot. Jesus said fer me to be sure and tell all of y'all that He loves you very much.....He will never leave you or forsake you..yadayada...He wishes you would visit more....He'd like fer you to try to find more time fer Him.....Oh, I can't remember the rest. Please, jist shoot Him an email or even a twitter. Iffin you git some down time, tell Him you appreciate all that He has done and what not....that kind of stuff goes a mighty long way with Him. It don't have to be nothin' fancy and it will git Him oft my back. I'll holler at y'all later, Hon. Tell your Mama I said, "Hey".


Anonymous said...

Hey Evie, how can I get me one of these goodie bags?

Really, I'll spend the night outside (tonight even), to qualify as a homeless person. It's gonna be a chilly 65 degrees here in AZ.

Come on...that stuff...sounds good!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Eve you iz priceless. Cain't even find the likes of you up at any tag sale here in Yankeeville where I'm abidin' these days. The folks are nice enough up around here. Once you get to know them and that there is the hard part. They just about as tight with they words as they are with their cash.

Seriously now, I laughed at your post but there is truth in your words. Pop open cans do work best.And the Zone bars and Power bars are great. Phone cards are another idea. Hats, Mittens and small umbrellas are good and plastic trash bags too.

Thank you so much Eve. This post was great fun but also a great idea.

Thanksgiving Love to ya!

Peace - Rene

Chica said...

I was expecting the "swap" post today from here.. Although seeing what you gotta do has made me exhausted and I shall go take a nap for you. :)

AngieSS said...

Ummm, is it too late for me to become homeless and benefit from the above list?!! :D

Have a Happy Turkey Day Eve!!!

Anonymous said...

I love the list.
So glad I came across your blog.
Too funny!

Da Old Man said...

"Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program.

I'm still laughing. You do have a heart of gold.

Hi! I'm Grace said...

Hi, you got a nice blog. I stumbled upon your blog through other blogs... I hope you don't mind that I am here. :)

Chelle B. said...

Can ya swing by and share some of the goods with me? I could use some whiskey and Zycam. :)

Yo Mama said...

Yo mama says "Hey"! I'm glad I raised you to be so thoughtful of needy folks. They are people too. Wish I could be at the 3/4 house with all y'all. It'd be just like old times. We Clevelands do know how to do up a holiday so it's covered in stardust!

Deb said...

I am sending you a case of Mumm deodorant and a box of extra spicy Slim Jims to add to your goodies 'cause I care about those less fortunate. You are a saint, Eve. The good Lawd will reward you fer sure!

nikkicrumpet said...

Freaked my hubby out when I laughed so LOUD at the "thank gawd we ain't you" program. You KILL ME! And you got me thinking that homeless might not be so bad if I could get me one of those goodie bags! said...

"Thank Gawd we ain't you."

Now that's funny.

eve cleveland said...

Your tireless efforts to understand the sufferins of these people would brang a tear to my eye, but my mascara won't tolerate that. Git your lil tail down here and pick up your buggy.

Even iffin you ain't a Catholic yet, I'd be real proud to have you on my committee next year, Darlin!

Well, sometimes the details get a lil jumbled!

Git back on the fold out, you still runnin' a temp. Bought you some cute jammies on sale at Sears's today.
You is right, homeless folks is practically human, how's Uncle Bubber doin?

Now that there is one heyall of a good idea! Damn,Girl, I sure could use you on my committee too.

My dear Nikki...
It's even better loot than than box-o-stuff of of your millions of fans mailed you!

Anonymous said...

The "Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program sounds even nicer than "Katfish fer Konvikts", and we know what a huge success that was, 'cept for the escapes, stobbins and whatnot. Hey did you notice you got some visitors from Colorado, South Dakota, and one of my favorite movie towns, Fargo, ND? You are filling in the map gap.
Free Wheeler

eve cleveland said...

Free Wheeler,
Naaaw, fer real? Well, you jist became my official "Looker On The Map". How you like that, Darlin?

Bee said...

You had me at Zicam Nasal Swabs!

The Hussy Housewife said...

Dear god what the hell is going on around here? I leave you alone for 5 minutes and shit balls!

eve cleveland said...

Well, you know how awful it is to be sick when you can't git in your own bed.

eve cleveland said...

Oh, Honey! It ain't never too late. Your hubs could fall oft a ladder and git hurt and then well...anything could happen. Don't give up hope , Sis.

eve cleveland said...

Well, arent you as cute as a pearl button? Go see my girl nikkicrumpetts blog too, and perty too, that there is a pitcher of her dawg. She's so sweet it will make your teeth hurt.

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
That is a good name ain't it? Gits the point across. I'll brang you a coffee mug and mouse pad with the logo on it when I come over to watch Wheel today.

eve cleveland said...

Grace.... are welcome as rain here! Perty gal like you who seems real easy to git along with? should see some of the riff raff we git in here. You pull up a lawn chair and stay long as you want.

eve cleveland said...

Chelle B...
Thanks fer takin' time out of packin' fer you Vegas trip to come visit. What you and me need to do is mix up a big batch of your cure fer the flu and have it ready to pass out to the unfortunable,indigenous folks next year.
Git Lucky!

eve cleveland said...

Oh, missed all the cornfusion earlier. It turned out aright after I steadied my nerves.

eve cleveland said...

John J...
You know I'd be glad to have a hand from either of the Savo Brothers.

SWC said...

Eve, I spoke to the warden around here and through some vigorous translating I understand that he is willing to trade a handful of free laundry coupons and about 20,000 cans of baby formula (tainted- but still has strong street value here in China) for the list of your donors.

Take your time to think about. Chinese New Year is the big holiday around here and that won't happen for a few months.

eve cleveland said...

Anna sent you over here, didn't she? I done told that girl there ain't nothin' wrong with the baby formula iffin you mix it with Jack Daniels and shake it up real good.
Hey, y'all is all invited to my son, Won Ton's, big Chinese New Year Bash. He thanks he's Chinese jist 'cause his Daddy was.

Anna Lefler said...

"Won Ton Estates!"


Another hilarious post. You roll me, Eve.



The Muse said...

Can't wait for the next blog post...

Anonymous said...

I really think you reminding the folks to remember Jesus during Thanksgiving and all. Hobbs

eve cleveland said...

Y'all we got a a famous Hollywood Starlet in this trailer! Maybe now she's gone have the money to git that nose fixed. So proud of you, Darlin! Git your tails over to see her iffin you hadn't!

eve cleveland said...

Maybe now that you is here I can thunk up somethin' else to happen.

eve cleveland said...

Awwww, Hobbs....
I can't do it without you , Hon. I reckon you better stand by in- casin I need me a Medic.

Aria said...

Eve, as always, you made me cry (in the good way, shug!) To celebrate your greatness, there are three awards waiting for you over at my blog. Happy Thanksgiving, remember to get all the buckshot outta the turkey, use a magnet... ;-)

eve cleveland said...

Girl, you jist too good to me....I'm bout the worst friend ever and I don't even know why you is still typin' to me. I'm gone pop over directly with the F250.
Thank you, Hon,

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.