Hey, Hon! Git that tail of yours on in this church and give me a hug. How you doin? Your mama and them was up to the Piggly Wiggly yesterdee. Yeah, I seen what you was tellin' me, Shug. But there jist ain't no easy way to tell a woman her hair's goin' sparse. Some thangs is better left in the strongbox, and that there is one of 'em, Darlin. She still got a right perty face, iffin you take a shot, squint your eyes and stand far away. It was nice to visit with her. I hope that left side of her body gets back to movin' soon. She wore me slap out, havin' me to scratch her good ankle. She's swelled up like dead horse. Them Tweedy Bird socks is cuttin' at her circulation.
Anyhoo, I'm fixin' to put you to work, Lovebug. Yep, it's time fer our monthly community service project here at Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows. Awww, we did have a ball and chain with Katfish fer Konvikts . But this time's fer the homeless. Some folks out there ain't got a bottle to spit in nor a winder to chunk it out of- much less a can of Skoal. Why, they'd be pleased as punch to come to a fork in the road- jist to have a eatin' utensil. Hon, not all persons is as lucky to be blessed as we is. So, I'm the chairperson fer this here "Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program.
Fore I spearheaded this committee, it shames me to tell you what they was passin' out to these indigenous people. How would you like to be in between trailers and somebody hands you a can of baby peas-without so much as a can opener, for Gawd's sake? Who in the Heyall would be thankful for that? I say they is jist lucky none of them do-gooders needed stitches after dolin' out pure D crap that had been collectin' dust in their pantry all year. Y'all, jist 'cause folks is homeless, it don't mean they is stupid or ain't got no taste buds. In these uncertain times, folks need a way to ease their troubles, not be reminded of 'em.
Now, we do it my way. I got a lot of experience knowin' what bums need...I married a gaggle of 'em. And I've been runnin' a 3/4 way house at the Won Ton Estates fer low these many years. It does strain me at times. But all of my clients is real cheerful 'bout makin' generous cash donations to fund my philanthropies when I expound my shenanigans to 'em. I'd like to give those fellas credit here, but my customer's anonymity is the cornerstone of my success and their benevolence. C'mon...help me, Baby 2.0 and all the Joons stuff these grocery buggies up with the followin' items.
- One "You Is Here" Doormat
- One weather thermometer
- 12 packages of Glide Dental Floss
- 12 Packages of "Supersmile" the Toothwhitening Gum
- 1 I pod Nano loaded up and charged (don't ferget the good headphones)
- 1medium sized dry erase board and 20 markers (different colors)
- 1 $3,000 gift certificate to Starbucks
- 15 Bottles of Axe Body Spray in Volcano Ash
- 100 Hand Warmers, normally used by deer hunters
- 5 Leppi' Selk Bags - see that photo up yonder? Now why didn't I thank a that? They's like a sleepin' bag...only you wear 'em. (again, consider the person when chosin' the color)
- 12o packages of Clearasil Facial Wipes
- 150 packages of plaid boxers (ask the size, you not gone embarrass 'em)
- 100 bottles of Psssssst Instant Spray Shampoo
- 120 boxes of Zone Bars (ask what their favorite flava is)
- 1 $10,000 gift certificate to Motel 6 (sorry, I couldn't git no place nicer fer 'em.)
- 16 boxes of Zicam Nasal Swabs
- 10 half gallons of their favorite whiskey and 2 shot glasses (in case they get company)
- 1 boars head bristle brush
- 1 shatterproof hand held mirror
- $250 in cash
- 7 pair Levi's button fronts
- 3 pairs of Cole Haan Loafers
- 5 Brooks Brothers No Iron Dress Shirts (White Only)
- 6 Shout Stain Remover Sticks
- 1 Mental Floss Book (they need to have some bull - in case they meet someone.)
- 1 copy of Holidays On Ice by David Sedaris ( He started oft as a Elf fer Gawd's sake...)
- 6 monogrammed linen cocktail napkins
- 12 Trapp Orange Vanilla Candles (don't ferget the lighters!)
- 1 down body pillow from Land's End
- 1 coupon fer free laundry service at any "Ancient Chinese Secret My Ass...." (Lawrd, Won Ton is gone kick my tail fer that one. I'll handle him, I am his Mama.) OK...no folding service y'all... wash only... Lawrd, I can already hear him.
I know it ain't much. I jist wished I could have gotten 'em all a Smart Car. I'm lobbyin' now fer next year. I hope this stop gap measure brangs a smile to some unfortunable people this week. I only got about 10,000 of these buggies to give away. Rest of the folks can crash with me at the 3/4 house till they git their sh#t together. I don't like no one to be alone on the Holidays, cept Jitters. And you and me both know, that ain't gone happen.'Cause she refuses to die. Anyhoo, Merry Thanksgivin', Shug. Awwww, I done almost fergot. Jesus said fer me to be sure and tell all of y'all that He loves you very much.....He will never leave you or forsake you..yadayada...He wishes you would visit more....He'd like fer you to try to find more time fer Him.....Oh, I can't remember the rest. Please, jist shoot Him an email or even a twitter. Iffin you git some down time, tell Him you appreciate all that He has done and what not....that kind of stuff goes a mighty long way with Him. It don't have to be nothin' fancy and it will git Him oft my back. I'll holler at y'all later, Hon. Tell your Mama I said, "Hey".