Jitters, holdin' your breath ain't a valid suicide attempt!

Let me tell you somethin'....I am on a short fuse today, Hon. I'd like to take a vacation -or a whole lot of Vicodin. But, ain't nobody here to steer this ship of fools I'm sailin. Pass me a fistfull of them nerve pills and that brown bag to breathe into, Baby. Here I go to hyervenrtilatin' again. While you are up, fetch me that bottle of Wild Turkey on top of the curio cabinet. And git me a straw too, please. There ain't no rest fer the weary, Sugar.... let me see can I pull myself together. Yeah, that's better. Thank you. Come set here with me a minute while my nerves git steady. I love you, Darlin'. I don't tell you that often nuff. You got the cutest smile...I'm feelin' better already.

You know what set me oft today? No. It's that gotdam troll of an albatross, Jitters, again. She is the thorn in my side. For those of y'all who are just tunin' in here...I reckon I'll do a quick recap on who Jitters is since I can't figure out how to make one of them links you could easily click on that would carry you back to where she's mentioned before. I'll make it quick 'cause that gal wastes nuff a my life as it is. Jitters is my bunkmate from when we was in the circus together. She is a dwarf, only 3 foot tall, with a flat head and dentures. Back in the day, she got shot out of a cannon a few times every show and she's still real jumpy. That there is a photo of her up top. I had to take the words oft so this blog wouldn't git rated. Anyhoo, everything always goes her way. She married a midget named Giggles after he knocked her up with triplets. We ain't seen him since, lucky man. Jitters is 5 months along now and she was makin' good money at Hooters and doin' midget wrestlin' on the side. But, she's got an entilement complex and found a way to collect disability. That's been the worse thang ever happen to me.

Now she sits on her cushy tookus, which is comin' up on damn near 4 feet wide, over to her doll house and pesters me constantly by celleca phone to do her biddin'. I am bound to her servitude 'cause of somethin' she knows 'bout me that could ruin my stellar reputation if it ever got out. Now, she is no longer ambulatatable,that means she can't git up, I got to do every thang from cut the lights on and oft to put her in and out of the tub. I hate her like hives. I'd rather take a whack from a sack of pool balls than deal with her. But there ain't no way out of it fer now. I've computated on killin' her every day since I known her. Somethin' holds me back fer some reason

I do see a glimmer of hope here lately. She's been threatin' to commit suicide. Threats of suicide usually bore me, but hers have got me thinkin. Not many folks know this but, when you ain't able to git around fer yourself, it sure cuts down on your suicide options. I've tried to help her out by leavin' loaded pistols by her bedside and bottles of poison and rat pellets every where within her short reach. I left her in the tub fer 3 days but she survived on bar soap and tap water. She just called and threated to hold her breath till she died. If only that would work! Until she gets serious, I'm fraid there ain't too much more I can do to help her, much as I'd like to.