That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Jitters, holdin' your breath ain't a valid suicide attempt!



Let me tell you somethin'....I am on a short fuse today, Hon. I'd like to take a vacation -or a whole lot of Vicodin. But, ain't nobody here to steer this ship of fools I'm sailin. Pass me a fistfull of them nerve pills and that brown bag to breathe into, Baby. Here I go to hyervenrtilatin' again. While you are up, fetch me that bottle of Wild Turkey on top of the curio cabinet. And git me a straw too, please. There ain't no rest fer the weary, Sugar.... let me see can I pull myself together. Yeah, that's better. Thank you. Come set here with me a minute while my nerves git steady. I love you, Darlin'. I don't tell you that often nuff. You got the cutest smile...I'm feelin' better already.




You know what set me oft today? No. It's that gotdam troll of an albatross, Jitters, again. She is the thorn in my side. For those of y'all who are just tunin' in here...I reckon I'll do a quick recap on who Jitters is since I can't figure out how to make one of them links you could easily click on that would carry you back to where she's mentioned before. I'll make it quick 'cause that gal wastes nuff a my life as it is. Jitters is my bunkmate from when we was in the circus together. She is a dwarf, only 3 foot tall, with a flat head and dentures. Back in the day, she got shot out of a cannon a few times every show and she's still real jumpy. That there is a photo of her up top. I had to take the words oft so this blog wouldn't git rated. Anyhoo, everything always goes her way. She married a midget named Giggles after he knocked her up with triplets. We ain't seen him since, lucky man. Jitters is 5 months along now and she was makin' good money at Hooters and doin' midget wrestlin' on the side. But, she's got an entilement complex and found a way to collect disability. That's been the worse thang ever happen to me.




Now she sits on her cushy tookus, which is comin' up on damn near 4 feet wide, over to her doll house and pesters me constantly by celleca phone to do her biddin'. I am bound to her servitude 'cause of somethin' she knows 'bout me that could ruin my stellar reputation if it ever got out. Now, she is no longer ambulatatable,that means she can't git up, I got to do every thang from cut the lights on and oft to put her in and out of the tub. I hate her like hives. I'd rather take a whack from a sack of pool balls than deal with her. But there ain't no way out of it fer now. I've computated on killin' her every day since I known her. Somethin' holds me back fer some reason


I do see a glimmer of hope here lately. She's been threatin' to commit suicide. Threats of suicide usually bore me, but hers have got me thinkin. Not many folks know this but, when you ain't able to git around fer yourself, it sure cuts down on your suicide options. I've tried to help her out by leavin' loaded pistols by her bedside and bottles of poison and rat pellets every where within her short reach. I left her in the tub fer 3 days but she survived on bar soap and tap water. She just called and threated to hold her breath till she died. If only that would work! Until she gets serious, I'm fraid there ain't too much more I can do to help her, much as I'd like to.

21 comments:

Trukindog said...

Can't ya just slip some kinda deadly poisonous bug critter in her bed with her?

eve cleveland said...

Trukindog!
Where you been all ma life? That there is a wonderful idea. Let me google deadly poisonous bug critters then have the Joons go hunt fer some.
Eve

Trukindog said...

Always glad to help darlin...but I'll deny any involvement in court...you understand.

Da Old Man said...

You have such a good heart trying to help that poor midget out of your misery.
The milk of human kindness just oozes from you, I swear. Bless you, dear lady.

Jeffman said...

Come on, Eve. Let me in on this incriminating information. Is it rude?

On second thoughts. Let me use my imagination...

Hale McKay said...

By gosh, by golly, iffin this ain't the freshest, funniest 1st person blog I've set my eyes upon in a long time. Just fer that there fact, I'm a gonna add y'all to my "Follow List."

Thanks for the visit at my other site, Verbicidal Tendencies.

Hope to see you at my primary site.
I'll be back, ya hear?

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Eve~I have a diabetic friend who once threatened to kill herself, by eating too much chocolate. I should have bought her a slab of Cadbury's to help her mission. She's about as much fun in my life as Jitters.

I hear arsenic is tough to detect. Maybe if you leave her be, she'll starve to death?

I'm sending you an e-mail on how to backlink.

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
I know, I am a fuckin' saint!
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Jeffman,
Nothin' I done is is nasty as whut you could thank up. I'm lookin forward to you specultions to lift ma spirits.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

McKay..
You got good sense! Everbody go take a look at that site he got over yonder...I wondered round fer hours like I was up in Wal Mart.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Dano..
You better git your ass over to this trailer. I am waitin on you to dye my roots and watch re-runs of "What's Happenin'". I tell you what.. I ain't doin' time for killin' Jitters..we gone have to git creative.
Eve

Hedon said...

You know once you slip the poison stink-beetle in her bed... I can drop by and pick up the body. I could drop it about 6 states away so nobody would ever connect it with y'all down there. Just let me know when to head your way.

eve cleveland said...

Hedon,
With friends like you and Stace..who needs friends with skin on?
Eve

The American Painter said...

Why is it that midgets make things more entertaining. Suicide is generally not a very funny topic, but when it involves a midget it's down right hilarious.

Bill said...

Your restraint is admirable. As is your reputation, I'm sure, but is it really worth all you're going through to protect it? You know we'll love ya no matter what.

Matt-Man said...

Good luck with the suicide; I hate midgets. Oh and by the way, you're right...Ohio does need you. Cheers!!

eve cleveland said...

American Painter,
Addin' midgets makes most any topic funny...cept fer blackmail...trust me.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Bill,
Even you might not love me iffin you knew bout this! I ain't takin no sanchez.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Matt-man,
"Good luck with the suicide"..now that's not a phrase you hear real often. Thanks, Hon. And I am here for Ohio whenever y'all need me.
Eve

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

Oh, you made me laugh with this one... Stumbled ya.

eve cleveland said...

John J...
Oh, goody! I hope it was the kind of laugh that startled your cats and your sweetie! That's what I live for. Thanks for the stumble, Darlin'.
Eve

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.