Hey, Hon...I'm gone interupt all our Halloween festivities fer just a minite 'cause I am such a Humanitirarian . Since I am all thangs to all people -cept them folks in our country's Mid West... and the rest of the World that don't speak English....some thangs git brought to my attention that I do my damndest to shrug oft. When I can't shake it or shove it on to nobody, I just got to git it oft my own chest, and I reckon that is what I am fixin' to have to do now. I am talkin' to you out there who might feel kindly stuck in a ditch. There are a good many of you, and I am on my way with a tow truck to pull you right on out.
Darlin', I ain't tryin' to rub salt on a wound or nothin', but I know most people don't have near the perfect life I got here. I've been lucky to be blessed with a chemicological imblance where I stay upbeat and energetic when all hell is breakin' loose 'round me. Not only that, but I thank the Lawrd that He made me real hard of hearin' - that's been more a gift than I can express. Plus, He gave me this attention span so short, I can't hardly sit still though a stop sign. Hell, I forget what I walked into the bathroom for! When you add that to my drankin' problem and my non-linear thought process...not much registers with me a' tall. I will never know why He saw fit to heap such favors on me.
Folks ask me awl the time, "Eve, how can I break up the mundacity of daily livin' that plauges my every day life?" I thank a good jumpin oft point would be to qwit askin' me that question every gotdam day. But, me bein' the giver that I am, I made y'all a short list so you won't have to pester me so much. These are just some suggestions. I'm gone let y'all pick the mix.
- Fore you go to bed at night, cut one big chunk clean to the quick out the front of your hair.
- If you don't drank..start now! If you are worried 'bout the health risk, then give some serious thought to livin' the rest of your life like it is now. Why you so worried bout livin' a long time?
- On the other shoe, if you are concerned 'bout how much you drank, that is easy to fix. Switch to V-8 in your morning Bloody Marys for a health kick.
- Start carryin' you a shaker full of glitter and just sprinkle it 'round the place whenever thangs start to git dull. You gone be real surprised what a difference that can make.
- If you feel an attack of the dailies comin' on...you just stop what you are doin' and start dancin' to the best song you can find in your head. Awww, come on..you know all your favorites is there somewhere! Sing along if thangs are really lookin' grim.
- Every body talks to their animals. But start answering fer 'em in a voice you thank suits 'em.
- Y'all, finally, and maybe most important........ do somethin' nice fer somebody else at least once a day. You know that is another way that I am blessed. Bein' in the service industry and havin' a good bidness built on referalls, I git several opportunities to do that every day. Try makin' some one else happy and you will see that it makes you feel good too.
Baby, you make me happy when you come by here to see me. I sure do appreciate you and I hope you know that. Hey, Darlin', while you are up, would you mind bringin' me that pitcher of V-8 and Absolut? Fetch us two glasses, Shug. We gone git this day started oft right.
13 comments:
I knew I came here for a reason.
Thanks for the tips on questions I didn't even know I had yet
Eve,I don't know what I would do without you! I'm going out today and buying huge containers of glitter to carry with me where ever I go! Everything looks better with a little (or a lot)glitter on it!!
You talk amazing sense, my good woman. I struggle to find fault in any of your suggestions, apart from the last one. That could lead to all manner of complications.
PS. I find early morning inebriation tremendously fruity in a woman.
Kristen..
Girl, thanks fer remindin me! I am one of them pshycics too.
Eve
T.
You so pretty already you don't need it.
Lovin you,
Eve
Jeffman,
Lucky fer you, I'm a giver. And I like you ;)
Eve
Best post title yet! You don't need glitter Eve, be like the proverbial gilding the lily. Just dab a lil Cold Turkey behind your ears.
Awww, Bill..
You had me at Hello! But, when I feel like I'm lookin' a lil rode hard it don't hurt to roll around in some glitter.
Eve
The V8 in Bloody Mary's is a fine tip. I used to drink a lot of vodka and orange juice. All that vitamin C, I never got a cold. At least not one I remember.
Darling Eve,
We must be related. I'm sure if we got hold of one of those dullards who trace family lineage way back, we'd see we share some blood!
My last truck, I covered in tiles and marbles and kewpie dolls and mirrors. But the one before that, I covered in huge flames of glitter. I used to build scenery for Carnival Cruise ships, so we had vats and vats of glitter.
One time, I was over at a friend's house. I thought it would be good to shave my head again. But this time, I only shaved the middle to begin with. Then I did a wonderful combover. When I showed it to my friend, she started crying, even though her boyfriend and I were peeing ourselves.
My cat Nigel Nancyboy has a problematic lisp, when he answers me. He says "s" like it's "sh". It can make for some interesting wordsh.
Old Man..
That's just probly due to your senility, I'm jist sayin'. You know I love you, Babe. But you are losin' it.
Eve
Dano...
I been thankin'...I believe it is time fer you to come on down here and live with us at Won Ton Estates. I can hire you.You can live in one of the Hospice Trailers fer free rat now, cause they is provin' hard to rent. Bidness is real good and I could sure nuff use some help. What you say, Sis?
Oh sweet-pea,
You have no idea how tempting that is. I don't know if I told you this, but I can make some amazing kudzu dishes.
Beer-battered Deep Fried Kudzu, Baco-bits 'n' Kudzu Stir-Fry, Kudzu 'n' Moon-Pie Mash.........
The thing is, remember back on October 18th, when I came clean about some things? Maybe you were inebriated just a tad, so you may need a reminder.
Well, I wrote about the plea agreement I'd made in regards to that little DUI on a Zamboni. Remember how I said that part of the deal was that it would be expunged from my record in the year 2010?
So, the way that worked out was I have to wear one of those ankle-bracelets, you know the kind that track your movements? Uh-huh. It zaps me if I further than seventy miles from Philadelphia.
Which is just silly. It's not like I have any money to go anywhere and I lost my Green Card, so I can't go to Mexico (where the warrant is), or Canada, because I couldn't get back in. Which if McCain wins, may be what I end up doing.
Let me talk to my PO, and see if I can arrange to hitch-hike down for a visit. Cross your toes and fingers!
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