That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Y'all, I jist got a press release from hell.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Plutus
Hades Inc. Underworldwide Headquarters
Phone: (666) 666-6613
FAX: (666) 666 - 6660
Plutus@hotmail.com
http://www.hades.inc.com/

Hades Inc., Creator of Black Friday, Launches a New Holiday This Season

Fourth Circle, Hades December 2, 2008 - Hades Inc., creator of Black Friday, is pleased to announce the launch of a new holiday this season."Listmas" is the alternative and/or supplemental holiday. As the name suggests, Listmas will focus on abolishing the disappointment closely associated with other more traditional holidays. The true beauty of Listmas lies in its simplicity. Participants compile an exhaustive list of every expensive product they expect to receive on December 25Th. These lists are then distributed via viral marketing, post it notes, spam, text messaging, graffiti, bricks thrown through windows, junk mail, billboards, sandwich board, sky writing, subliminal suggestion, Ouija board, tarot cards, tea leaves, tattoos, carrier pigeon, even smoke signals. Creativity in list compilation and distribution is encouraged. The object is to get everything on that list by whatever means necessary. That is all there is to it.

Unlike Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, Listmas is unencumbered by the distracting concern for others. Because Listmas is not outwardly associated with any Deity, there are no niggling religious entanglements or obligations. However, Hades, Inc. has arranged for Listmas devotees to enjoy cult status, ensuring three days paid vacation to spend time with their new stuff. Satan, President and CEO of Hades, Inc. states, "Trust me, Listmas is going to be like Christmas and your birthday combined, only way better. I'm proud to establish a holiday that is simply about getting what you deserve. Hey, don't waste another minute thinking about anyone else. Spend your time making your list and distributing it to as many people as possible. Be sure to tell them they don't love you if they fail to buy these things for you - that is just the truth. Come on, it will be fun!" Projections indicate that the simple message of Listmas will be a refreshing change of pace this holiday season.

For additional information on Listmas, please contact Plutus at Hades, Inc. Fourth Circle Division at (666) 666-6613.

Hades, Inc. has been in business for 1,000s of years and is a multi-national conglomerate with offices in every major city in the world, and then some. Under the leadership of Satan, Hades Inc. has enjoyed status as an unsurpassed leader in the consulting industry representing such notable clients as Wal-Mart, Toys-R-Us, Disney, Google, Best Buy and HSN.
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42 comments:

vijayanths said...

excellent writing. keep up the good work.

Joel Klebanoff said...

I'm definitely in on this Listmas thing! Just to give you and your readers fair warning so you can start gathering your coins together in order to buy my presents, heading my list is a luxury corporate jet, including a lifetime supply of jet fuel and the fully paid services of a pilot. I really hate mingling with the masses, not to mention the security people, at airports. You can start with buying me that gift because things get even more expensive as you go down my list.

By the way, I like the distribution by smoke signals idea. I think we should go back to that communication technology. It's not very good for the environment, but you're not likely to be bothered by constantly ringing smoke signals or people screaming into their signal fires while you're sitting in a cafe enjoying an espresso. The cafe owners usually require that you leave your fires outside.

Wow, that was a longer comment than I intended. Now what am I going to write in my blog?

Oh yeah, nice post!

eve cleveland said...

V...
Thanks, Hon.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Joel...
Thats the spirit! The sky's the limit with Listmas.
Eve

Thinkinfyou said...

I'm lovin this idea!! Thank you,Eve,and Satan!!

Da Old Man said...

I really don't need or want anything. I'll have to think about it, and get back to you with a list.

nikkicrumpet said...

It's like holding up a mirror to society...I hope they take the time to look in. You can sure write some great stuff....I'm proud to know ya!

eve cleveland said...

Terri...
Darlin' you might want to read the fine print on this deal. We'll talk later.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
Writin' lists could become your new vice! That is harmless and you can do it from home.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Nikkster....
Hon, that is jist a fax I got from Hades. It did kindly stike some nerves with me though. I'm gone look into it.
Eve

Lidian said...

Eve, You said it all. Yes indeed. Looking forward to January, I am!

Kirsten said...

Sign me up!!! ..or list me... or whatever...

Deb said...

That Satan is one cool dude. Or is he a hot dude? He just comes up with the best ideas.

The Grandpa said...

I always knew it was something other than the Montessori influence that shaped Google's corporate philosophy.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Heh, heh..Satan said trust me...That old scratch is hilarious.

Peace - Rene

eve cleveland said...

Lidian..you and me both, girl!

Kristen, we got some details to go over tomorrow. Aright, Darlin'?

Deb, Yep, he sure does have a way of makin' things attractive.

Grandpa, Not many folks know this, but Google has been around for centuries. No one ever heard of them until Hades Inc. took over their PR.

Rene, That "Trust me" line is part of his schtick. Trust me.

Eve

ettarose said...

Eve honey, that was brilliant. Is this any thing like Festivus?

ettarose said...

Eve, that was brilliant. Is it anything like Festivus?

John J Savo, the Authoring Aucitoneer said...

Wow. Great post.

Unfortunately, this is what Christmas has become. Anything I want for Christmas, no one has to go buy and only my wife is eligible to give it to me.

So my list is simple...

eve cleveland said...

Ettarose,
Hon, I'm real glad you brought that up cause we gone have to go over that one too.
Hearts,
Eve

eve cleveland said...

John J....
Darlin', I hear what you is typin' there but see.. that don't qualify fer Listmas cause there ain't no exchange of currency. So, either pay your wife, or thank of somethin' else you want. Or both- both would be better!
Eve

VE said...

ha ha. I LOVE Listmas! I want to visit their headquarters. I hear hell is quite hot this time of year...

Jeffman said...

I'll have me some of that, Eve. It sounds pretty much like my usual Christmas in that I don't buy anyone bugger all; except now I can justify my tight-wad status with an official holiday. Quids in!

Hedon said...

Hey Eve,

I decided I'm going to paint my list on the side of my trailer so everyone driving to the mall will see it as they fly by at 80 mph. Or maybe I'll paint it on the back and then get in front of them and drive really slow so they have time to write down my shipping address.

Thanks for giving us the heads up on Listmas. And Satan, thanks dude.

The Muse said...

Sooooooo tired of the destruction of Christmas, all for the dollar,which isn't worth anything anymore...so now what's the excuse of the marketing fiends?

The Hussy Housewife said...

I am in!! To make it official, I will be sending you my list via exotic make stripper. He should be knocking on your door right about now...or there he is. Go get it!

ettarose said...

Eve, I hope you don't mind but you have been tagged. :)

Angie Atkinson said...

Hahahaha. Well, I'm on board. I've got a list a mile long, anyone wanna start shopping??

AngieSS said...

Dang it! How come I never get any emails from Hell? I'm probably closer to goin' than you are. hehehe

Great post Eve. Seems like Christmas is more and more about gettin' instead of givin' anymore -- tragic really. I think I would like to skip Christmas and Listmas both! :)

Adullamite said...

That was wonderful satire!
Just how true to life was that?
Brilliant lass!

eve cleveland said...

VE...
Yeah, but it's a dry heat.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

J'man...
Hon, have you heard anything about Listmas in Jolly Old yet?
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Hedon,
You and Stace do cover a lot of territory. And you got the cargo space to haul the stuff too. I got a few details I want to go over with you fore y'all sign on though.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Muse...
Darlin' I don't know. But I do know that you could write something that sounded pretty about it.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Jamie....
Girl, you git extra points fer that idea!
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Ettarose..
Hey, Hon...I am cleanin'oft my desk as we speak. Thanks, my friend.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Angie A....
You better tell 'em to watch it at Target! ;)
Eve

eve cleveland said...

AngieSS...
These yahoos darn near took the fun righ out of it, didn't they?
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Adullamite....
Thank you, Hon. Nobody ever called me brilliant before! I like the sound of that.
Eve

freetheunicorns said...

Listmas rules. Now I'll finally get the midget I've always wanted.

Great post Eve.Loved this passage:

"Because Listmas is not outwardly associated with any Deity, there are no niggling religious entanglements or obligations."

Dano MacNamarrah said...

I"ve the idea, my distant sis! I think it might be thoughtful to have a proxy Listimas. For example, I could wish President Bush a full reciprication of his human rights values. Or for Mr. Chaney, an eternity of revisited values applied to him.

I'll call the number tomorrow, to make sure I'm not slurring from my night-time meds. It'll help that they are familiar with the parties in question, I'm sure. Wal-Mart execs crushed by crowds and unable to afford their own empolyee insurance, Paris Hilton actually living in the poverty she played with in her TV program, thus working as a stock clerk in Wal-Mart....

Oh crap on a Christmas bauble, this will give me sweet dreams tonight. Thank you!

Here's a lovely clip of an old Christmas song that you might like. First, the kid and then him as an adult singing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aP2FMuvwkk

horatio salt said...

hiya, sweetie. visitin' yer site jes makes a man wanna siddown onna back porch at midnite wit a shot of whiskey, set you on his lap 'n fire his shotgun at the moon.

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.