That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Monday, October 20, 2008

I don't know whut comed over me.....I jist kindly snapped.


Hey, Hon.....how you doin' this evenin'? Naaaw, I ain't cryin', Darlin'. My allergies is just actin' up....probly causin' my eyes to look like two burn holes in a blanket.....Hey! No comments from the Peanut Gallery, Joons. Y'all git, fore I whip you ... Scuze me a minute, Hon, while I discipline my children.... Joons, y'all go work on that mosaic we started makin' out of chewed up bubble gum at craft time this mornin....that oughta keep you outta what 's left of my hair for a minute! And which one of you bastards hid my Gin? How many times do I have to tell you -that there AIN'T funny? Specially when y'all put it in the tank of the toilet EVERY gotdam time. For Pete's sake, use your magination, or qwit playin' tricks on your broke down excuse for a mother.... I'm all you got, so deal with it! Lawrd, is there any wonder why my uterus escaped from my body? Damn near worked myself to death for you people and this is the kind of pranks I get? Now, not a peep from y'all. Mama's got company!

Anyhoo, Babe, I'll be ahright.....don't worry bout me none... oh, Shug, you know good and well ,I can't lie to you. Truth be told, I done somethin' today that I'm plum shamed to tell. Can't recall many times in my life feelin' this way. You won't think so highly of me when you find out what I gone and done did. Set down, Babe , let me fix you up a plate of drumsticks while they is good and hot......Yeah, I'm glad they are tasty to you. Got more in the cast iron when you're ready, so eat up.

Sugar, I know they say confession is good fer the soul. But, if you'll recall, I done sold my soul a while back.....so what good would confession do me? Well now.... I hadn't thought 'bout that. The yahoo did try to return it! And, yep, we got us a strict "no return" policy that often results in death. That's how Pawn Bidnesses is run. I got several deep freezes full of examples. Hmmm, so you think that means my soul may have reverted back to me? Hon, not many folks know this but, Gawd is a lil behind on his paper work. Hell, He probly hadn't even processed the first transfer of title... Hahaha, I reckon the confession route is worth a try. I couldn't feel no worser. I'll tell you iffin you promise to still love me in spite of my wrong doin'. Awww, there's that smile that melts my butter...


Here goes....You know our tenants, FogHorn and Prissy? Yeah, the Leghorns. We've always gotten long just fine, they have lived on or property for years. Kept their coop up real nice. Foghorn only did the crowing thang at dawn, which is part of their religion. I coached their grandson, Cocky, Jr., on my Rooster Soccer Team, The Green Bay Peckers . We went all the way to State Champs and won this year! They was good , friendly poultry- universally loved by all. The Leghorns always paid their rent on time and in cash. ....until this current financial crisis in our nation. You know, Foghorn Leghorn was a legendary film star. He amassed a fortune in royalties and syndication as well as the money he made from all of his voice over work and selling his image. My Gawd, he was 'bout up there with Elvis. ( Lawrd, I don't mean no blaspheme there 'bout the King.).


I tell you what, the stocks and such bein' what they is now.... Foghorn Leghorn just went Cukoo.....I mean to tell you. He literally thought he was one of them Costa Rican Cuckoo Clocks all the rich folks have. The kind that goes oft every 2 minutes 28 hours a day and 9 days a week. The noise got so bad, some of our more sober tenants started a blog to complain 'bout how he was distubin' the peace here at the Won Ton Estates. They even commenced to such insults as "that Yard Bird" Foghorn. Now, we don't tolerate racial slurs in this here pastoral development. That Avian , Senator Leghorn, was once one of our elected officials and a down pillar to us all. Foghorn was one of them benevolent benefactors, the nice kind, who didn't have to plaster his name on every fricasseed thang he funded, neither. I defended him against them ignerant neighbors we got livin' here mugst us. Went to bat fer him, I did. Put up with the cockadoodaldooin every 2 minutes all day and night long. He was my friend and I respected him.

Till today when I ran out of nerve pills and them kids hid my gin. I couldn't take it no more and I reckon I kindly lost it. I'm glad he is some good eatin' for you, Darlin. I can't bring myself to have a bite.... I'm still beatin' myself up over havin' commited an ornithological murder. I ain't never killed a bird of no kind before, much less an icon. Pass me that gin, would you, Shug. You know, Ole Foghorn was gettin' a smidge long in the beak. His glory days were over and he wasn't much lookin' forward to the future. Maybe it's better that he passed on to his rewards while he was still fondly remembered, if not colloquially, then perhaps universally. His goose really was kindly cooked . Pass me that fresh bottle of gin would you , Babe. Maybe I actually did us all a favor by puttin' him down. the Lawrd works in mysterious ways. Sure is peaceful round here, ain't it? Foghorn Leghorn had more than his 15 minutes of fame. And that's a whole lot to crow 'bout. Gimme one of them drumsticks, would you Shug? You always know just what to say to cheer me right up! This is some mighty good bird. Is it jist me, or can you still hear him jist a carryin' on over there at http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/

19 comments:

Bill said...

Eve with every passing day you get better and better. And you were so damn good to start with! Now 'scuse me while I go upchuck.

eve cleveland said...

Bill,
"Ah, say, Ah, say...Boy..That means a whole lot comin' from you!"
Eve

yo mama said...

Senator Leghorn probably picked up that cuckoo bug while he was serving in Congress. It is highly contagious, I believe, and it has struck about 90% of our public servants. There is no vaccination available as of now, and those who contract it -- well, it strikes them permanently stupid. So to avoid this devastating infection, stay AWAY from Washington.

AngieSS said...

Eve, you is a funny gal. I think I will just sit here a spell and eat me somma them thar drumsticks. How'd that be?!!

Oh, I guess I should say a few words about good 'ol Foghorn.

Yummy!! :)

Thinkinfyou said...

I have to give it to you Eve. There is no way I could kill my own dinner,I'm way to squeamish. I'd become a vegetarian first!!

eve cleveland said...

Yo,
I've heard of "bird flu" but I thought only chinese people got it. I had Won Ton vaccinated, cuz ya know, I'm such a great mother.
Eve

Deb said...

Always wondered where ol' Foghorn was these days,"was" now being the key word. Enjoy the leftovers!

Let me know if you need more gin. Gotta nice big bottle here and some straws.

eve cleveland said...

Ang,
Come on over here and git you some...Gawd knows we got plenty. He was one big ass Rooster.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Terri,
Oh, Girl, iffin you was raised by wolves like I was you'd be used to killin' you're own supper too.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Awww, Deb...
I knew you wouldn't let fame go to your head, Hon. Git your cute tail on over here-and don't forget them straws now.
Eve

Da Old Man said...

For an old bird he came out pretty good.

~Static~ said...

This is an excerpt from Oliver Stone's biopic 'W', isn't it?

Jeffman said...

HID YOUR GIN? I trust those children will be placed on the first boat to China, forthwith. That's how we dealt with anybody displaying such dastardly criminal tendencies in my day.

Be rid of them at once. One has to be cruel to be kind.

eve cleveland said...

Old Man,
I thought he was a lil tuuf ma owns self...shoulda maryanated longer.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Static!
You ain't never been up in this trailer before! Welcome!!!
Hon, Oliver Stone gits his ideas from me. We was married onest.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Jeffman,
I am one step ahead a you, Baby...I'm fixin to outsource 'em all if they don't straighten up and fly right.
Eve

~Static~ said...

@Eve - I see that Oliver is up to his old tricks again. Stealin' his ideas from his ex's. He a real asshat, isn't he? I bet that's why y'all ain't married no more. 'Cause he's an asshat, and couldn't get it up. I'm ready for my spankin' now, Miss.

eve cleveland said...

Static,
Go pick you a switch and git your tail over here!
Eve

~Static~ said...

Oooo! Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy. You is so nasty Ms. Cleveland! You is naughtier than Ms. Betty Page herself. Oooo! I like it!

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.