That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

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Friday, September 5, 2008

Is that what this is about?

Anyhoo, my baby, Won Ton, and I were waiting in Head Master Pinhead's swank office at We Are Better Than You Academy. I was telling Won Ton that I felt as jonsey as I had been when one of my ex-husbands,"Daddy", suffered a green card bust at the Taco Bell where he worked. Oh, how I squawled when the I.N.S. hauled his perfect a*s off. I didn't remarry for days, I was just too devastated. Won Ton broke my reverie and said, "Chirr Mama, I blought you a Zanax and you frask of Wird Tulkey." How blessed I am to have this wonderful child. Like he says, "I you'll rucky chalm."

Pinhead blew in like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. His necktie was tight as a noose and hung flaccidly over his substantial gut. He obviously spent a lot of time on the few hairs he had left. Those hairs are real long and he combs them up and over towards the front. That doesn't even fool me and I'm always drunk. I was about to suggest he rethink his strategy when Won Ton kicked me so I dropped it. True, it's been a while since I practiced Cardiology at Johns Hopkins but, from the crimson color of Pinhead's face, I sensed a severe hyper-tension issue. He huffed and puffed and scrambled around with a slew of papers and what not while he mumbled about how pressing his schedule was. Yep,this dude was a human time bomb and we might get to see him detonate shortly. I was thinking what good experience that would be for Won Ton when he said,"What dat ticking noise is, Mama?" I shot him a dissapointed look. He should know that! He's already aced the M.C.A.T. for God's sake. The time bomb said,"Good Moring Won Ton! It's always a pleasure to see you here." That little toot said,"Cut to chase,Man! I missing Teletubbies and I got to carr my bookie before 10 o'crock."

Pinhead said, "Of course," and began to speak to me directly. "Dr.Cleveland, Barnum, Sanchez, .... uh... Goldman, O'Malley, Chen, Gustavson, Peterman,..Canizaro,..Jennings,.. I'm sorry...McNamarra, Cohen, Lopez, DeLongchamp, Smith,Chang, Chen, Waltman, so sorry...um.....let's see here.. Harrison,....Husni, Reynolds,Ebanks,Waters,Cansaco,Liebman, uh..I'm sorry I seem to be a little confused about what to call you...." Well, I was having fun watching him fish around for my current last name from some of my Junior and Juniorettes records. But,that buzz killer, Won Ton chimed in and said, "Man, we wirr be hele arr day! Just carr hel Eve or Mama-it a whore rot simprer." Pinhead seemed relieved and said, "Certainly, I'm honored to have you in my office,.. Mama. Thank you for coming in so early. May I get you two an ashtray? Would you like something to drink?" Hey, maybe this wasn't going to be as bad as I thought! "Sure, I'll have a double Bloody Mary and Won Ton here will have coffee with Bailey's. If you could rustle up two ashtrays, that would be sweet. Hell, the only way you'd find me up at this hour is when I never went to bed! Isn't that right, Bunnytail?"

3 comments:

Crabee said...

Write mo please, I need the laugh

Crabee

Anonymous said...

Eve,
You have been single for about two weeks now. Do you have a no-compete or what? Prospect, push them through the funnel and close the deal.
Concerned

mother said...

Eve,
As you know, I have never tried to interfere with your adult life. I tried to give you a good moral compass, and I think I was successful. You have turned out to be any mother's dream. But this Mr. Pinhead, he must have been raised in a barn. He is creeping me out. Please stay away from him. He is perverted, and you go out with him and it's a trainwreck don't come crying to me. There are worse things than being single.
Your loving mother

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.