That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Friday, September 5, 2008

Bailey's and coffee in a sippy cup

Magically, a repressed looking woman in a matted gray cardigan appeared carrying a silver tray topped with my double Bloody Mary and a sippy cup of Bailey's and coffee for Won Ton. She quietly placed two crystal ashtrays in front of us and swept up the ashes and butts Won Ton and I had left on the carpet of the Head Master's office. I could learn to like it here. "We'll take another round when you get a chance, Hon." I said as she left.
Deciding to take the bull by the horns I asked Pinhead, "Is this about my sending beer in the kids lunches?" Won Ton piped up,"I hope you not waste pleciuos time carring us doln hele to tark about Micherob Urta. Dat shiz rike soda pop, Buddy!" Pinhead immediately replied,"Oh, no that's not why I called you down here. The staff is always intrigued with your choice of um..food and beverage items included in all your children's lunches. In fact, I've grown quite fond of the packing peanuts and broken light bulbs you send for snacks! What a great way to recycle."
I was flattered by that and told him it was all in the seasonings. "Well, next time I bake I will bring you a shoebox,those are my specialty." He seemed pleased so I continued,"O.K. so is this about the mean note I got from the Academy about how nakedness will no longer be counted as an excused absence? It had some jibberish about them all losing their academic scholarships....I'll get it out of the birdcage and re-read when we go back to the trailer if I'm not too hammered."
Pinhead looked alarmed and the clogged veins in his neck stood out-we might have a bingo here! He said, " I am so sorry that letter went out, it was a mistake. We would never renig on the full ride academic scholarships we offer for all your children. Their genius level I.Q.s and perfect test scores combined with their sheer volume have put We Are Better Than You Academy at the top of the nation's finest schools. We live in fear that the recruitment tactics employed by other institutions will rob us of their presence here. I know it must be difficult for you to keep up with all the laundry they generate. Still, we must comply with state guidelines on truancy...."
This didn't sound good. Won Ton said, "Pinhead, the selvice hele is tellible! Whele dose dlinks we asked fol?" As if on que, here came that drab little woman again with another round. She looked more like a librarian than a cocktail waitress to me. "As I was saying," Pinhead droned on,"the school is prepared to assist you with the daunting task of washing and drying all your children's uniforms. From now on, we will provide laundry and pressing service for all of them and have their clean uniforms ready and waiting for them each day here at the Academy. Free of charge to you, of course. As for little Won Ton here, we look forward to his enrollment and are prepared to amend our dress code to accomodate his decision not to wear clothing other than a diaper."
Polishing off the last of my drink I said,"Well, that is mighty kind of y'all. Thanks for your help. It's not easy being a single mother, especially with my drinking problem. Hey, I'd love to stay and chat but I've got a photo shoot with Spank Bank magazine and need to get waxed first. So, if that will be all, I'm going to write several prescriptions. I'd like to start you on an A.C.E.inhibitor,that works better on diabetics than a beta blocker, a good diuretic and, obviously some Lipitor. I also strongly suggest you schedule an E.K.G. immediately." Setting the prescriptions down on his desk along with 5 bucks for that crappy waitress, Won Ton and I turned to leave. Pinhead said,"Actually, there is one more thing I'd like to discuss. If you are free tonight, perhaps we could have dinner?" That didn't go over well with Won Ton who said,"Flee? Flee? How dale you insurt my Mama-she nevel flee! Don't make me cut you, Mistel."

3 comments:

Don said...

Your profile pic is HOT! If you want some teeth, you can just borrow mine! I'll just use my dad's. He's dead so he doesn't need them.
With love in my heart and money in the bank, always--the raiderman!

Rockin' Rehab said...

Dear Dr. Cleveland, etc. etc.,

We are following your blog adventures with great interest and think we may have a fit with you. We are proprietors of an an exceptionally beautiful operation situated on cool and lovely Lake Winnyweewhatawhata in New Hampshire. Our specialized camp/rehab is designed especially for children who at at an age when they should be sucking their passies and hugging their blankies are instead battling addictions, poor little souls. We call our method "rockin' rehab", which is also the name of our camp. All therapy sessions take place as the child is comfortingly held by a trained counselor in a rocking chair. We think your darling little Won Ton is a perfect candidate for our program, so we wish to offer the following arrangement. In exchange for your mention of our camp in your blog (a community service on your part, certainly), we extend to your little fellow a free month at our facility, all sessions and rocks included. Also swimming and horseback riding.
We hope to hear from you soon.
Camp Rockin' Rehab

eve cleveland said...

Eve,
I couldn't help but notice that two of your many ex-husbands had the last name Chen. What up with that. Was it the same guy?
Just Wandering

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.