Hey, Darlin. I'm sorry I have not been in touch. It is so not because haven't been thinking about you. I didn't even get a chance to tell you that the scientist from the time travel job called me 10 days ago and wanted me to start immediately. I threw some stuff in one of my old shopping bags and took off. My laptop and cell phone did not work while I was away because we went back to the 5th century. Let me tell y'all, Attila the Hun was really a whole lot of fun! Not many people know this but his nickname, "Scourge of God" was meant in pure jest; he is the life of the party. We totally hit it off and I miss him very much. A man like that is hard to find. I begged him to come back with me, but he said he couldn't leave his Empire. Such a guy thing. It's going to be a challenge to keep in touch. Long distance relationships are hard though, I know. Being separated by fifteen centuries puts a lot pressure on a relationship, too. I just hope I can get back there to see him again soon. When we returned, Dr. Mengele paid me just like he said he would- he seems like a pretty good guy and told me to call him Josef. The money was great to have especially on top of all the loot Attila gave me. That sweet thing!
When I got back to the trailer complex, my baby, Won Ton, had a big surprise for his mama. Guess what that little toot had gone and done. No, he somehow saved up enough jack from his chain of pawn shops to buy this whole damn multi-level park out right! He paid cash for it and has got himself a deed. I'm so proud of him, he's been wanting to get into real estate for a while. I think he will make a great landlord. He's so excited that he is having a new sign made for the place. Like he says, Won Ton Estates sounds "supa crassy", doesn't it? Kid and Kracker are real proud of him too and they bought him a Power Wheels NASCAR Dale Earnhardt Jr. Race Car. That's really going to help me out because he can do some errands for me now. That reminds, me, I am getting low on vodka. He's so precious ripping and running in that thing! He has to sit on a phone book but he'll grow into it. I just wish he would get out of the diapers soon.
While I was gone, they did have one teeny incident. My poor lovebugs thought I might be mad at them. Remember the dude who bought my soul at the garage sale and then tried to return it? I had plumb forgotten about him passing out in our dryer weeks ago. Well, he came crawling out of there early one morning and scared the fool out of all my Juniors, Juniorettes and Won Ton. We are not the kind of folks you can sneak up on. One of them busted a cap on him, of course! What can you expect when you frighten little children? What a sicko! All my clan worked together and took care of it. They said no cops have been by, so we're cool. I have the best kids ever-why am I so blessed? One of my Juniors even went and taught my Quantum Physics class for me. I have much more than a mother could ask for. Well, I hate to leave y'all but one of my Juniorettes has gotten herself handcuffed to a motel headboard again! How many times have we been over this? I told her to calm down and give me more details about the room's interior. Once I figure out which motel she's in, it won't take long to bolt cut that sucker. I hope your life has been more exciting than mine lately. I want to hear all about it. Won Ton says Ruv and Ruck! And if you need a new pad, come check out Won Ton Estates.