That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Hey, Baby, how you doing today? I'm trying to keep my chin up while looking for a job. It's tough out there and I'm feeling like I made a mistake when I quit my old gig. I guess I could always go back to it but it's hard to make any real money in stalking. Now that I'm getting so handy on the computer, I could do a lot of the work from home-it would sure save on gas! I got dolled and down to the Pink Pony to give them my resume (see pic). When I saw the competition (see pic) my heart sank. I can't hang with those gorgeous women-look at me! I looked like a cow next to them! The fact that I have experience in that industry may count for something. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because there is no better place to meet good men than in a seedy strip joint. I'm going to give this want ad a try (see pic). I bet they don't have any decent positions left. Here is some good news though....Jitters got all jacked up on the Tickled Pink and told me she is pregnant with triplets! That gives me some hope that I might beat her out for that time traveling job after all. The only thing that worries me about that gig is that I won't be paid till we get back. I need the money now! Please let me know if you hear of any great jobs for people with no skills at all. I did get a little windfall yesterday! I sold my soul at a garage sale. With the money I treated a myself to a pedicure. I only had enough to get one foot done, but it's the one that shows the most.

Meanwhile, I am very encouraged about the advice column. Y'all are sending me so many good questions that the thing could just write itself -which is great because I am really lazy and usually pretty drunk. Keep em coming, please! I had no idea that the name Anonymous was so common, did you? Here's what we got:

Dear Eve,

Been thinkin of running oft and changing my name to Brie Ann. Decided to leave 024 and get a real job. I heard the Dairy Queen in Dayton is hiring. I've got lots of "transferable skills" as they are called. They're looking for an Assistant Mgr. Just got little Brittany back from her rehab stay in Burnet. Eddie is doing really well delivering pizzas for Colinas. Once he figured out the GPS in his F150/King Ranch, he started making real good tips. Havin Salmon for dinner tonight. Tomorrow, I'm helping out at the Yellowstone with Sr. Citizens Jello Carving. One more thing to put on my resume. Any good job leads for me? Please keep me in mind. Double Love and all. l8r. g8r.


Dear R,

I must confess that I'm a little envious of you. With your skill set you should have no problem landing a top notch gig. Jello carvers are in huge demand everywhere. I only wish I was capable of that level of expertise. And now that Brittany is out of rehab you will have no more problems with her-rehab always works the first time! Why would you want to run oft when Eddie has such a sweet job delivering pizzas? There is huge money in that industry. A man like that is hard to find, Honey-let me tell you. If you do decide to bolt, I would re-think the name Brie Ann, it's a little cheesy. Good luck to you, not that you need it! You know, I never cared for salmon-no matter how it's prepared.


Dear Eve,

You may not know this, but those little sugar ants, gathered in quantity and euthanized, are a great source of protein. Just sprinkle them over your cereal or stir them into the sauce in your crackpot, or crockpot, or whatever the heck you call that thing. They're free -- might as well use 'em.

An admirer

Dear Admirer,

You raise a valid point and I couldn't agree more. However, I prefer mine live. To each his own.


Dear Eve,

Please be gentle with me because I'm a blogging virgin! I think that with all of your past work/life/prison experiences, you should consider being an Olympic commentator. Let's face it, who really cares how an athlete feels about losing by one hundreth of a second or by five hundreths of a point. What we really want to know is how often they wax, have they hooked up with any other hot, buff athletes, and is it hard to use aliases when their faces are plastered all of the Wheaties boxes! I think you are just the person we need to answer the REAL hard-hitting questions! If you need a reference to list on your application, don't hesitate to ask me! As far as advice goes, I do have a little question for you. Do you think that at over-40 I should give up my dream of becoming an Olympic champion on the balance beam? I don't really have any gymnastics experience - but they do say that 40 is the new 20! I'll keep stretching out and working on my dismount until I hear from you! Do they have smoking sections for the athletes while they are waiting to perform? That might be a deal-breaker!


Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for letting me be your first-I'm honored. This will only hurt for a second, o.k? Just relax. Your message reminded me that I did win 4 gold metals back in the day, that had totally slipped my mind. I need to hunt for those things later. When I was an Olympian, you could smoke anywhere you wanted-those were the days. Now they have changed it so that you can only smoke in the special bar they have for the athletes, but all the drinks are still free. Another thing is that, not all Olympians are great in the sack so don't expect too much. Swimmers are usually the best of the bunch, just F.Y.I. But don't let these truths deter you from your dream. I took your suggestion and filled out an app for the commentator opening. I did put you down as a reference. I just hope they are not suspicious because I have so many people named Anonymous on there. Thanks so much. Do you want me to hold you now?


Hey Eve,

My daughter died my son's hair pink, school starts in 3 days, what do Ido?


Dear Mark,

We've all been there! You have two options:

1. Keep him locked in a closet until his hair grows out completely. Be sure to duct tape his mouth and bind his arms and legs. Tell everyone he is studying abroad so you won't get any crap from C.P.S. I had to learn that the hard way.

2. Get you some Sharpies and hold that girl down while her brother draws all over her face. Send them both on to school. Repeat as need until his hair is grown out.

Any questions?


Dear Eve,

They've got machines in the movie theater lobby where you can practice flying and it won't cost near as much as private lessons, and I swear it feels just like being in the cockpit. I don't know if they have time capsules to work with,but it seems like it would be worth checking out. At MIT you should have written your thesis on black holes instead of worm holes. It would have made you seem more knowledgeable. I'm just saying.

A faithful reader

Dear Faithful Reader,

Now you tell me! I'm still paying back my student loan from flight school. Do you think I should have given him the doctoral dissertation on black holes I did while I was as Yale instead? God, why am I so stupid?


Dear Eve,
Where do I find your advice column? I need various and sundry help. For instance,30 years ago when I was between marriages I tried to meet people like myself at singles groups. The first question anybody asked me was "What's your sign"? Well,I ask you, what does that mean? I always raised my hand in a peace sign (forefinger and middle finger in a V) and replied "Peace!" That seemed like a non-controversial, downright positive and encouraging answer. But people always turned around and walked off. I am presently single again, and people I meet in these groups still ask me the same darned question. My answer is still the same, and I get the same reaction. What sign do they want? What does everybody have against peace?

Signless in Seattle

Dear Signless in Seattle,

You found the advice column, Baby. You have several issues I'd like to address. First of all, why in the world would you go to a singles group to meet people? There is never anybody good there! Hello..they are all single for a reason-no one wants to marry them! Furthermore, Seattle has been voted "Top Place to Live for War Mongers" every year for as long as I can remember. If you want to stay there then hold your middle finger on either hand straight up when folks ask you your sign. If you are really attatched to the peace sign then you may have better luck in Berkley, I know I did. You need to know that you are a Scorpio. It's not hard to say, try it. Lastly, please send me an untouched photo of you along with your height and B.M.I. and a copy of all your financial records.



Anonymous said...

Dear Eve:

So what's Miss Black Bikini doing with her hand on the ... er ... abdomen of Miss Chartreuse Bikini?

Is this some sort of New Age "Feel the Life-Cycle" ritual?


If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.