Dear,Eve

Hey, Darlin! We had a wild time over here last night.... I made 300 pancakes for all those boys who rescued me yesterday. They used up 6 gallons of syprup. Got some silly pics of Jitters' new hubby after I dressed him up like a pirate- he is such a doll. What he sees in her I will never know. Somebody thought it would be fun to get into the Tickled Pink. We were all drunk as painters on payday by the time they hauled out. That old bat across the street called the cops. Why does that keep happening to me? Y'all know I've got to find a job so I went to put in an app at Taco Bell . But when I pulled up in the parking lot I just had to get the F out of there (See both pics, God knows I got no idea how to delete one of them. I did try.) My learning curve on this new fangled computer is pretty big beacause I had never been on one till I starated talking to you folks. Thanks for hanging with me. Anyhoo, when I got back home (see pic of our new multi -family residence. Don't be jealous of the pool in front-y'all come swim anytime!). I had good news in the mail. My I.Q. test came back negative. Thank you, Jesus!

It looks like we have a winner with the advice column. Or maybe a lot of y'all are just jackin' with me. Either way, it's nice to feel needed. You know how lonely I am. Got some good questions. Further proof that just because my personal life is in shambles, I still know exactly what you need to be doing.

Dear Eve,
I have sugar ants all over my kitchen. Nothing seems to rid me of them. I've tried everything. Any suggestions?
Bakers'smaiden333

Dear Baker'smaiden333,
Who hasn't been there with the sugar ants? I guess that most folks don't know that this problem is so easily remedied. Here's what you do: pour gasoline all over your counter tops, light a match, then run like its Armeggedon. It's so simple a monkey could do it. My eco-friendly solution is fool proof. I gaurandamntee that you won't have any more ants. It worked like a charm for me (see pic of former residence). Good luck!
Eve

Dear Eve,
I wouldn't go to the Battle for the Alamo, because Davy Crockett died there, and that made me cry in the movie. I cried when Old Yeller died and when Lassie Came Home, too, but I don't think those were true stories, so I don't think time travel could take you there...
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I admire your vision, but the simple fact is that right now we only have the technology to travel back in time to events that actually occurred. Are you always this confused? I don't know what kind of propaganda you've been fed, but everybody knows that the whole "Battle of the Alamo" never really happened. There is absolutely no proof that it did. Davey Crockett is pure fiction, Honey. Just like Thomas Jefferson and Minnie Pearl. They are just made up! I know this because Santa told me so. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that hard truth. Now where in the world did you get the notion that Lassie and Old Yeller were not true stories? They are both well-documented with film. Hellooo. Those dogs were filmed long before all this computer-generated stuff, so they are undeniably non-fiction. You are the only person in the world who cried over them though. Write me back so we can discuss your obvious dog fetish. Reports of freakish tendencies generate hits!

Eve

Dear Eve,

Our home is professionally decorated and been featured in several magazines. Our only child, Prize, is a senior in High School this year. He is smart, handsome and well behaved. My attractive husband provides an abundant living and I never give a thought about money. When we are not at the beach house or the mountain home, we take many trips abroad. Our housekeeper is here five days a week and we have a full time chef. I am so freekin busy playing tennis, shopping, volunteering and going on social engaements that I have no time to deal with domestic issues. Look, I Tivo Oprah and watch her at night-THAT'S how busy I am! Here's the thing- I'm just not happy. What should I do?

Soooonothappy1119

Dear Soooonothappy1119,

Well, Sweetie, first know that you are not alone. You have tons of options! But I want to give your situation a fair assesment. That will require that you provide me with the following information: An unretouched photo of your husband along with height and B.M.I, his work out regime, his current age and a record of his life insurance policies, a copy of your financial statement, your clothing and shoe size, the model car you drive, a link to your country club, an unretouched photo of Prize, sans shirt (please include any of his good looking friends), and recent estimates on the value of your beach house, mountain home and primary residence. Most importantly, I need a nude photo of you without make up. Please get that to me as soon as possible. In the mean time, start eating lots of ice cream while you watch Oprah and be sure to discuss each show in depth with your husband. And until we get this straightened out, I think it's best that you refuse to have any kind of sex with him ever. Trust me, I know things. Keep the faith...it will all work out for the best! You will get what's coming to you, I promise!

Eve