That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Friday, December 12, 2008

Good news and bad new 'bout Jitters.

Hey, Hon. Git your cute self on in this trailer and give me a hug. Baby 2.0 was jist fixin' up another batch of egg nog. He will fetch you a mug. Delicious, ain't it? That tainted baby formula from China is the secret ingredient. And you can pick that stuff up fer next to nothin' now. It's been a real blessing fer us. How you doin', Darlin? You sure lookin' good. Aww, I'm better since I took a fist full of my nerve pills and knocked bag a few cups of this magic here. Pass me them Marlboros, would you, Shug?

I'm aright, it's jist that Jitters had set me oft again. I ain't braggin' 'cause it's true....most folks wouldn't be strong enough to bear the cross she is to me. I admire my strength. I'm gone be honest, it does wear on me at times. Hon, you don't remember how I met Jitters? If only I could forget. What had happened was.....When I left home to become a lion tamer in the circus, Jitters was one of my bunk mates. Yep, she's been a midget as long as I've known her. Jitters' job was to git shot out of a cannon 4 times a day. I was young and I reckon I was a lil naive then. Being raised by wolves don't prepare you fer the real world as good as you would think. Anyhoo, the Ring Master soon became the first of my 18 to 23 husbands. A few hours into our marriage, I realized that he was one of them real controlling types. That really ain't my brand. Shortly there after, he got his self murdered. I was acquitted, largely due to Jitters' testimony. Not a day has gone by that she don't throw that in my face. So, Jitters is my albatross. I am forced to do her biddin' as long as she waddles this earth. It's like drinkin' cheap tequila on a empty stomach. Thank Gawd, she has gotten suicidal here lately. You know, I'm tryin' to help her accomplish her goal. That's what friends is for, right?


What's that, Darlin'? Aw, that there is Jitters' dawg. Ain't it the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?As you can see, it ain't trailer broke yet. She paid high dollar fer it too. Got it from some high-falutin' breeder in Oktibeha County. It's fancy mix they call a "bull-shitz". I jist call it plain wrong. Why am I takin' care of Jitters' dawg? Oh, Shug, she's recoverin' from surgery. Jitters had to have a hula-hoop -ectomy. I did my bestest to cut that sucker oft her with my 'lectric carvin' knife. Course, she would not holt still. It got perty messy. On the way to the emergency room, she was hangin' her head out the window to feel the wind on her face, like usual. I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could mash 'em. I hadn't seen her fly like that without a cannon. I was feelin' real good about it but, no luck, she's still livin'. Took 6 fireman to git her out the top of that tree over yonder. At least she's gone have to stay in traction a while, that's the bright side. Next time, I will try that when we go 'round a curve. Live and learn.



I'm prayin' that Jitters' triplets ain't gone be delivered early. She's still on a COBRA policy from Hooter's. This doctor she's goin' too don't seem to have a whole lot of wattage. I didn't see nothin' but vet school diplomas on this fella's wall. He can't even tell me iffin them babies is gone be midgets or not. Says he needs some information on the father. Well, Jitters and a real stickler fer details. But I'm gittin' tight on space 'round here and I'd like to be able to plan. Midget triplets, that there is what I call a real good investment. I painted that old dresser pale yellow and put Disney decals all over it. Then I and outfitted all three drawers with lil mattresses. So, the nursery is ready. All we can do is wait now, and hope for the best. Looks like you 'bout ready fer some more egg nog. It really can be habit formin. Don't worry, there is plenty more where that came from.

27 comments:

The Hussy Housewife said...

What a shakin' besides you ass on that pole again? Just wanted to make sure you didn't end up in teh crowbar motel! {kisses}

Joel Klebanoff said...

Wow, that was dark. Remind me to stay on your good side ... and I'll be keeping my head in the window if I'm ever a passenger in your car. Oh, and I really appreciate tainted food from China now that the recession's here, but if you don't mind, I think I'll pass on the egg nog.

Da Old Man said...

The egg nog is something special. I really like the nursery set up. You are just too good to your friends.

eve cleveland said...

Hussy,
I was gone save it fer Christmas but...I got you the deed to the Crowbar Motel. You got the run of the place now, Shug!
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Joel,
Aww, I would have figured you was a drinkin' man. You do got good sense keepin' all your extremities in the confines of the vehicle when I'm drivin'.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
I jist wished everybody understood me like you does.
Eve

Chat Blanc said...

Triple the midgets, triple the drinkin' I'd say! I don't much care for those bull-shitz dogs either. You've got your hands full there my dear!

Quirkyloon said...

I understand you Eve. And despite that, I still love ya, honey!

I think that nursery is just darling, I wish I had thought of that.

That egg nog sounds tasty, it's just too bad, I don't imbibe.

My loss, I'm sure. MY loss! You enjoy it for me, k?

:)

horatio salt said...

hula-hoop-ectomy! now i need a hysterical-ectomy.

ettarose said...

Eve, you went all out buying those mattresses. Me, I would have just put an extra blanket in there. I don't think little babies care about matresses. They will just be happy to get out of Jitters cramped belly.

Adullamite said...

Indeed you are very caring to your friend, I hope she appreciates what you do for her!

nikkicrumpet said...

STELLAR...I got a serious smile on after reading this one!

rusty said...

Wow, you just described New Hampshire moms perfectly. I'm immune, I'm from Massachusetts.

eve cleveland said...

Kitty,
Midget triplets would be the biggest lil hit you ever saw! Jist look at that show bout them folks that got 6 regular sized kids.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Quirkster,
You bein'so insightful is one of the thangs that makes you real loveable. And I need my tea tottler friends... somebody round here has got be able to drive.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Horatio,
Aww, that there is one affliction that won't hurt you none, Darlin'.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Ettarose,
The nursery did turn out real cute. I jist ain't ready fer them critters to peak their pointy heads out yet.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Adullamite,
Thanks, Shug. But that troll don't appreciate me fer nothin'.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Nikkster...
I'm glad to give you one after all the smiles you given me!
Eve

eve cleveland said...

Rusty,
Well, you best stay there if you ain't armed. This is some tough country down here, Hon.
Eve

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

"I admire my strength."

Love those sneaky punchlines...

Be careful with those midget triplets. Midget babies are really tiny and can be easily mistaken for those little Precious Moments figurines.

Stumbled you just for being so irreverent.

JD said...

my only question

do cobras have hooters????

nice to meetchya ... TN boy here

lunaticg said...

Hi eve.
you sure is a bit different from everyone else.
See you around.

eve cleveland said...

John J...
Thanks, Hon! You got a good point there, as usual. Them babies can play in my curio cabinet with my collection of Precious Moments figurines. I'm gone film that fer UTube.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

JD...
Thanks fer stoppin' by. Yep, girl cobras got hooters. But, I don't advise tryin' to look real close.
Eve

eve cleveland said...

lunaticg...
Hey, Darlin'. I don't know what you mean. This here is jist another mommy blog. But you got a strange name. Must be a yankee.
Eve

Kirsten said...

I love your nursery set up! You're like the martha stewart of, of...
I'm not sure. :)

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.