Darlin', set down.....I got to get somethin' oft my chest here. It's come to my attention that I have failed you and I want to start now makin' ammends. It's not fair of me to be so stingy with all the wisdom and knowledge that I have gleaned through my experiences. I am gonna start makin' a point of tryin' to guide y'all in the right direction . Y'all are lost as geese, just honkin' and flappin' out there and as much as it tickles me to watch you, I've got to start helpin'. The point is, Honey, you are right special to me. The Lawrd has put us together for a reason. Not many people know this, Babe, but the Lawrd is a Busy Man. So, He's got folks like me down here that he is countin' on to pick up the slack. It's a heavy cross to bear, but I if Moses did it, so can I. Before you go whinin' to Him 'bout this, that and the other...y'all read my simple guidelines and home remedies and see if it don't solve most of your woes. Plus, you can post a comment to me and I will git right back to y'all.....I'm just sayin' you don't exactly git that kind of service from the Big Guy! Here a starter list, K? See if you can guess which pictures go with what advice cause I ain't smart enough to line 'em up. I'm not God, but I might be the best you've got.
- When you win the lottery, and you will, spend the money wisely like these folks did.
- Swimmin' in an oil spill is a great cure for poison ivy.
- If you get to chokin' on an ice cube, drink a cup of boilin' water. Problem solved.
- Avoid home injuries by lettin' other folks do the dangerous tasks.
- Gasoline and a bic lighter cures head lice forever.
- If you are supposed to be home by a certain time and know it ain't gonna happen...turn all the clocks back 'fore you leave.
- Hammers work better than alarm clocks for heavy sleepers, try it!
- If you have unrelentin' pain in some part of your body, drive a nail into another part and you will forget about the part that was hurtin' so bad before.
- Think long and hard 'fore you let anyone hog tie you and put you in a trunk or unmarked van.
10.Plan ahead or quit your bitchin'. I reckon that's enought to cover fer today. I don't want to overwhelm y'all. Keep in mind that I am here to help you in anyway I can, Sweetie...... We can talk 'bout anythin' here! You keep your nose clean and I will holler at you later. Who loves you, Babe? That's right....Eve does.