That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Monday, October 13, 2008

Simple home remedies and plain ole good advice

Darlin', set down.....I got to get somethin' oft my chest here. It's come to my attention that I have failed you and I want to start now makin' ammends. It's not fair of me to be so stingy with all the wisdom and knowledge that I have gleaned through my experiences. I am gonna start makin' a point of tryin' to guide y'all in the right direction . Y'all are lost as geese, just honkin' and flappin' out there and as much as it tickles me to watch you, I've got to start helpin'. The point is, Honey, you are right special to me. The Lawrd has put us together for a reason. Not many people know this, Babe, but the Lawrd is a Busy Man. So, He's got folks like me down here that he is countin' on to pick up the slack. It's a heavy cross to bear, but I if Moses did it, so can I. Before you go whinin' to Him 'bout this, that and the other...y'all read my simple guidelines and home remedies and see if it don't solve most of your woes. Plus, you can post a comment to me and I will git right back to y'all.....I'm just sayin' you don't exactly git that kind of service from the Big Guy! Here a starter list, K? See if you can guess which pictures go with what advice cause I ain't smart enough to line 'em up. I'm not God, but I might be the best you've got.

  1. When you win the lottery, and you will, spend the money wisely like these folks did.

  2. Swimmin' in an oil spill is a great cure for poison ivy.

  3. If you get to chokin' on an ice cube, drink a cup of boilin' water. Problem solved.

  4. Avoid home injuries by lettin' other folks do the dangerous tasks.

  5. Gasoline and a bic lighter cures head lice forever.

  6. If you are supposed to be home by a certain time and know it ain't gonna happen...turn all the clocks back 'fore you leave.

  7. Hammers work better than alarm clocks for heavy sleepers, try it!

  8. If you have unrelentin' pain in some part of your body, drive a nail into another part and you will forget about the part that was hurtin' so bad before.

  9. Think long and hard 'fore you let anyone hog tie you and put you in a trunk or unmarked van.

10.Plan ahead or quit your bitchin'. I reckon that's enought to cover fer today. I don't want to overwhelm y'all. Keep in mind that I am here to help you in anyway I can, Sweetie...... We can talk 'bout anythin' here! You keep your nose clean and I will holler at you later. Who loves you, Babe? That's right....Eve does.


Hedon said...

Oh my gawd!

Some of this stuff is gonna make my life so much better.

Thanks hun!

eve cleveland said...

I am here to help you, Babe.

Nameless Blogger said...

pic 3 goes with no. 2. if that's not right, them i'm a dumb fluck. lol

Da Old Man said...

Those are some great tips. I especially need to remember the ice cube one.

Orion said...

Gasoline and a bic lighter... same remedy for curin' crabs!

eve cleveland said...

Nemeless Blogger,
Rest easy...your intelligence in in tact!

eve cleveland said...

Oh, Da Ol Man in ma House!
Yep, and if the boiling water scalds your throat, eat an ice cube. If you choke on the ice cube, simply repeat the process as often as needed. ;)

eve cleveland said...

You do raise a good point and save me the trouble of having to go over that with these people in the future! Thanks, Hon.

Hedon said...

Hey Hun,

I had to tag you up over to the Hags. Not like that time those doctors tagged you or anything... this one doesn't involve any shots at all.

And you don't have to disclose your... uhhh... working history with anyone... unless you just feel like it.

eve cleveland said...

Hahahaha! Thanks so much and I do hope I get a lot a hits- I like the ruff stuff. You're a sweetheart to hook me up.

Bill said...

Hi Sweet Eve - Was busy stuffing myself with Canadian Thanksgiving Turkey yesterday and didn't make it in. Sure glad I didn't miss out on all this good advise though.

What do you recommend or turkey bloat?

eve cleveland said...

My Gawd I missed you! Why do Canadians have Thanksgiving? Anyoo, take a tip from my modeling days. Drink you a liter of Co-Cola and then stick your first two fingers down your throat as far as you can. Problem solved. A word to the wise... do this in the bathroom or outside.

Dano MacNamarrah said...

I can't believe you have a photo of my last house painting job! It's one that I am particularly fond of. Wait 'til I show my Mum.

AngieSS said...

Eve, I'm so glad I found you -- or maybe you found me...hmmm. Well anyways thank you so much for imparting your little nuggets of wisdom.

Seriously, the last time I was hog-tied and thrown into a trunk I must admit that it was a spur of the moment decision -- If only I had found you sooner, I wouldn't have to be lookin' for a can of gas and a bic right now! :^(

Thanks again for the much needed advice. :^)

eve cleveland said...

I'm so glad you stopped by. Great job on the house. It combines both your talents, painting and writing.
Come back now, ya hear?

eve cleveland said...

Anytime, Honey! I am here for you. Keep in mind that being hog tied is not always a bad thing, you just need to think it through.

Lance Martin said...

Once again, great stuff. Just wanted you to know, too, I put a link to your site on The Driveby for the Wednesday edition. You can find it in the case file section. Thanks for making me a fan!

eve cleveland said...

Awwwww, how sweet! Thank you so much. Its real hard for folks to get to me because I am too stupid to sign up for anything that makes it easier.

MA Fat Woman said...

I tried that gas and lighter thing with a lit cig and a propane gas tank. Problem solved, no hair = no lice.

eve cleveland said...

I'm so happy you stopped by!
I know, works like a charm, and no more bad hair days for a while...
your captions at Joe's killed me today. You are so funny.

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.