My story is not so different from most folks. I don't want to bore you on the first date so I will just hit some high points. Like many people I was raised by wolves out in the desert of Arizona. My childhood was happy, but somehow I felt that I didn't exactly fit in with the rest of my pack. I struggled through adolescence and embarrassed my parents by walking upright and hanging out with coyotes. They tried their best to love me through it, but at 17 I left the den and headed out on my own. I never have been able to stop howling at the moon, though, and I still like my steak rare. Old rabbits die hard, I reckon. You know what they say, "A wolf can leave the den but ...well you know the rest.
Anyhoo, because of my background, I quickly found a job as a lion tamer in a B team traveling circus. Not many people know this, but lions are not nearly as down to earth as wolves are. Lions can be upiddy. The best part about that gig was the sparkly costumes. I still love to wear them! I bunked with Teensy, the fat lady, and Jitters, the dwarf who got shot out of a cannon. Jitters was always really jumpy. She didn't take up much room though. Teensy was a huge star. That's not a fat joke; she really was. She not only weighed over 600 pounds, but she also had a real mustache and all double joints. Teensy was a trifecta. Oh, those were nutty times all right. At 18 I married the ringmaster, which was quite a coo for someone with my lack of refinement. That lasted three weeks. He was so controlling. After I was acquitted for his murder, and all the charges were dropped, I spent many, many years in an Amish community. Actually, it was only a few days but it seemed like many, many years. Not a lot of people know this, but the Amish are "super" boring. Most of them are total buzzkillers.
Let's see, then I became the road manager for K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Remember them? That would have been perfect if they had had more another hit or two. After that, I went to acupuncture school at night while working in public relations, passing out Panda bears on Austin streets, during the day. A tattoo studio recruited me and I tapped outs tats for a while. I enjoyed my work and the creative outlet it provided. That was a job where I met a whole lot of people. I married some of them here and there. Their faces are foggy but I remember all the tats vividly. Like many people, I made pretty good money robbing liquor stores for a while-that old Amish outfit came in handy! I was eventually busted because I forgot to wear my bonnet, and a camera got me on tape. It was a rookie mistake, I know, don't say it. Doing time is not nearly as bad as they make it out to be. I miss prison, to tell you the truth. Maybe I'll go back someday. They let me keep my orange jumpsuit because it matched my hair so well, and I just wore it yesterday with some gorgeous eel skinned boots.
Anyhoo,when I was released, I traveled to Asia seeking enlightenment. That was a real let-down. Let me tell you something, Babe, don't waste your time or money going all the way over there for enlightenment. Get yourself a big bottle of Absolut, some Marlboro Ultra Light 100s and somebody who is really good-looking instead-that's way better than enlightenment, I promise. I did a stint in the Japanese "film" industry but I have destroyed all evidence of that now, I hope. When I came back to the states I won the lottery. I'm not much of an accountant, but 7 million dollars doesn't go as far as you would think. I know that now! So, I joined the Peace Corps for a while, like most people. I came back and became a manicurist among other things. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'll let you go for today. Come by tomorrow and bring friends. Hell, I have plenty of room; I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. I am going to get a real video and stuff. As you will see, that's not my value add. Love and Luck. Rock steady, Babe.