Hey, Hon! Get on in this trailer and give me a hug. Damn, Shug, you are lookin' better than Obama on the beach. I missed you like a universal remote. Happy New Year to you too, Darlin. Have you been wonderin' where the hell I been? Well, you and me both. Pull you up a bean bag and let's set a spell. I'm so glad to see you. I got the Bloody Marys right here, pass me them Marlboros, I'm gone tell you to the best of my recollection combined with my receipts, new tattoos, divorce decrees and latest arrest warrants where I been.
Here is what I got to go on. Right 'fore Christmas, Jitters got kicked out of the hospital. You may recall , she was in traction from when I tried again to assist her in suicide by throwing her from my vehicle . Uh huh, when we went round a hairpin curve while I was taking her to the emergency room after I attempted to cut the hoola hoop oft her with that ole 'lectric knife. Yeah, Shug, that's right. It broke most bones in her little midget body. Anyhoo, Jitters was supposed to stay in traction until the birth of her triplets. I was counting on that to give me some reprieve over the holidays. But, oh nawww, no rest fer the weary here. I had to pick up that gotdam troll of an albatross on Christmas Eve after she bit the left ear clean oft of an orderly who was trying to change her bedpan. Some birthday present fer me. Aww, Darlin', I jist got your card. You was so sweet to remember me. I done had so many of 'em now, Babe, I would rather stop countin' 'em. The shiny wore oft that several years back, but thanks fer thinkin' of me.
So, I loaded Jitters into my '65 Mustang, cause my Juniors was using the Pony van and Baby 2.0 likes to drive the Mercedes. The way it worked out, Jitters had to check in with her parole officer down in south Mississippi at a place called the House of Bread on Christmas day. To tell you the truth, I don't want to know why Jitters does anything, in case I ever have to testify. So, I don't never ask. But, you know how she gets me to do her biddin'- by blackmail. That's what's done made me her slave fer low these many years. I hate her like shingles. I had to jam that pregnant midget, body cast and all, into the Mustang and carry her down to this tiny town outside of Hebron on Christmas Eve. It ain't far as the crow flies from here and I figured we'd be back by early mornin'.
We made it to this little back water town and it was gettin' close to midnight. I had been drinkin' all day, as usual. After we left the Pink Pussycat, I thought it might be wise to get a room fer the night so we could wake up fresh the next morning. Well, you try gettin' a room at the only motel outside Hebron, Mississippi on Christmas Eve at dark-thirty with a pregnant midget in traction and a body cast. It would a taken a miracle and we was S.O.L.
I did my bestest to git her to rest in the car but, Jitters commenced to bitchin', as is her custom. So, I jimmied the lock on a real nice, new vet clinic and got us set up there amongst the animals bein' boarded. After I fed and watered Jitters and scratched her real good with the straighted out coat hanger, I was just fixin' to grab me a lil' shut eye. Heaven's no, that would be way too kind of her to let me sleep. Jitters' water broke and she went into labor. Course, she carried on like she was the only woman who was has ever gone into labor in a vet clinic while she was in a body cast. She's got such a flair fer the drama and she hadn't never had any babies before. It's bout as big a deal as you make it. Lawrd, I've had babies and still made my shift at the Pony. Bein' a single mama will git you back on your feet pretty fast.
Makin' babies and havin' 'em is one thang I am real good at. I been doin' it a long time. I've actually had more babies than Brad and Angelia got. And you know, how excited I been 'bout the idea of raisin' midget triplets. Well, imagine my disappointment when there was not three babies after all. As big as Jitters was and all the medical opinions I wasted my time on - there wasn't but one normal sized baby boy in there. Sure as shootin', I was with her fer the ultrasounds and heard the heartbeats and everything. I said, "Jitters, what the hell did you do with them other two babies? You supposed to have three tiny babies in here, not just one normal sized one. I looked around real good, but he's all I can find! Leave it to you to screw this deal up." She seemed as puzzled as me, which is not unusual. I was just fixin' to take the muzzle oft her mouth so she could answer when I heard someone comin' in the vet clinic. Oh, Lawrd, not another breakin' and enterin' conviction.....
Well, I'll be damned iffin it wasn't a psychic, a nail tech and a bar tender. They had been out ridin' round and partyin' when they saw a strange light above the place and came to see what all the commotion was about. Seems I had accidentally turned on the spotlight the veterinarian used fer his grand openin'. That sucker was castin' a beam all the way to Yazoo City in the night sky. I begged 'em not to call the cops as I explained our situation right quick. They must have led sheltered lives 'cause they found it a bit unusual. But since I had plenty of whiskey and prescription drugs they were o.k. with the whole thang. I find that true in most cases, cash don't usually hurt none either.
Why, you would think these folks had never seen a baby before, the way they ooooed and gooed over that lil fella. He is right pretty, I got him out just perfect without no problem a'tall. He's a good baby too, don't cry or nothin'. The psychic, nail tech and bar tender started givin' him thangs. He's probably the only baby to get a car air freshener, a genuine cubit zirconium ring and some hand sanitizer. I wrapped him up good in clean bar towels from the bar keep and we all made a party out of it. All the animals joined in. Even Jitters seemed happy and almost attractive for the first time since I been knowin' her. I let her hold the baby fer a minute and he had the most peaceful look on his little face. She didn't try to hurt him or nothin' and I felt a glimmer of hope that I may let her live a while longer. I jist can't hate her when he's around- it's the strangest feelin', like I'm missing a limb or somethin'.
Awww, I hear my lil fella right now. He must be up from his nap. You want to meet Baby Josh? That's what I call him. He's bout the cutest thing I ever saw, course I can't let my Juniors or Juniorettes hear me say that. But, there is somethin' special 'bout him, I tell you what. Can you hold him fer a minute while I fix him a bottle? When I git back I'll try to explain where I been these past few weeks...but it's kindly a blur. Let me say this, I am never goin' to Mexico with two dudes I met at the B Qwik again, that is fer damn sure....