That's a pithcer of me and ma twin, Tinsel. Does Pollock on ma shoulder make ma butt look big?

Twins Trailer Trash

Monday, December 15, 2008

Don't call me Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Hey, Hon! How you gettin' along? I like that Christmas tree y'all made out of all them Heineken bottles stacked up in a tower. It's mighty tall , I could see it real clear from the road. Looks nice. Thanks fer doin' your part to go green. It's put me in mind to try it too. Pabst cans might not look as perty by theyselves. But we could dress ours up with all them shot gun shells the Joons done strung together. Lawrd knows we got enough cans to make a tree bigger than that one they got up there in Rockerfella Plazzer. Wonder could we git on the Today Show? I bet I could git it on that other show, The Mostly Every Day Show. I b'leeve I'm gone look into that.

Anyhoo, speakin' of Yankee doins. You been followin' that story 'bout Jesse Jackson, Jr? Well, they ain't hardly mentioned it on the news. I can brang you up to speed right qwick. That Governor up yonder in Illinois, got a real funny name, Blagxzkvqzkch -something or nother like that. Ain't got enough vowels in it to pronouce out loud. I read somewhere that this fella and his wife was the inspiration behind the characters of Tony and Carmela Soprano. Naw, that ain't what the big news is about. It' s kindly hard to read through all the quotes. They got all their expletives blocked out and it don't leave much fer readin'. These folks could embarrass Yosemite Sam. But, from what I gather, it seems he come up with the idea to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Obama. No, Darlin'.... not the chair itself. But if he's got much sense, he's sellin' that too. Blagxzkvqzkch was takin' money from politicians who wanted to be the next Senator. Course, he dusted it with powdered sugar and put a bow on it, callin' it campaign contributions and what not. You know how politicians do. I got the jist of it and that there ain't such a bad plan.

Where this fella, Blagxzkvqzch, went wrong is that he thought he was bulletproof. Most folks don't take a shine to real cocky sons of b#tches. In fact, they want to see 'em fall. Like I tell my Joons, when you make a livin' in non-traditional revenues, it don't never behoove you to mouth oft and be uppity. You got to lay low, keep your head down and be pleasant. And fer Gawd's sake, don't git too greedy. You heard of a monkey trap, ain't you , Shug? That's where a monkey puts his hand in a box to grab some candy and he can't git his hand out 'cause he done grabbed too big a fist full. Two thangs that will git you caught faster than lightin' is bein' cocky and bein' greedy. Them two is twins, you got to be vigilant against 'em. Unless you is one that likes bein' in prison.

Well, Jesse Jackson, Jr. wanted to put his hat in the ring fer this Senate seat. I would have doubled down on him winnin' . He's got a whole lot of experience bein' a politician and such. The Jackson family and the Blagxzkqzch family goes way back. They done spent heaps of time together over the years. So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. went to see Blagxkqzch at his office the other day to tell him 'bout how much he wanted that job. Jesse, Jr. seemed proud to say that he didn't send his Daddy or his brother to talk fer him, but went to see the Governor his own self. Well, I reckon so, he's a grown man fer Gawd's sake. He'll git no medal from me there and I hope he don't say that again. That didn't make him sound real bright.

Anyhoo, Jesse Jackson, Jr. was shocked and disappointed when his longtime family friend got busted fer this lil scheme he done got cocky and greedy on. It was the very day after Jesse Jr. had been to visit him. Seems all that time knowin' Blagxkqzch, Jesse Jr. never picked up on what kind of show this fella was runnin'. Now Jesse Jackson, Jr. wants his name back. Well, he can have it. I sure as hell don't want it. That daddy of his has always bugged the tar out of me. And it ain't 'cause he's black like he'd probably lead you to think. It's cause he's irritatin' and he would be no matter what color he came in. So, I reckon Jesse Jr. is a real bad judge of character and has some of the worst timin' in political history. Hmm, maybe he jist fell oft the stupid truck, but I didn't.

Hey, Shug, would you mind carryin' me down to the hospital? I'm too drunk to drive. That troll of a albatross, Jitters, is causin' a commotion. I'm gone straighten it out directly. She keeps hollerin', "Help...Help...Help....I need Help!". Aww, there ain't nothin' wrong with her, Darlin'. She's jist missin' this gotdam dog of hers I'm keepin'. Yep, that's what she named it, "Help".

32 comments:

Da Old Man said...

You are just the best at explaining stuff.

Adullamite said...

The seat is yours for the askin!

Chica said...

Here I thought you'd be talkin about the fool who threw his shoes this mornin' lol.

JD said...

And to think Jr.'s dad used to be Mr. October ... funny how apples can roll so far away from the tree after they drop ....

Joel Klebanoff said...

What Blagxzkvqzch is alleged to have done is truly low-down, despicable, repugnant and just about every other negative adjective you can think of. I mean, the way I heard it, he wanted to charge Canadians extra to get that senate seat. That's just not fair.

Jesse Jackson, Jr.? Wasn't he one of the Jackson 5? I loved that group.

Deb said...

Thank you so much for explaining that whole Blagxkqzch thing. Now I finally know how to spell his name. Jesse Jackson Jr...."JJJ", "KKK" - no comment.

Marvel Goose said...

Dad'gum J.D. you done gone and stuck an Iraqi size 10 Snake Stomper right down your gullet. Mr. October is Reggie Jackson!

Mr. Jesse Jackson, Jr's daddy is Mr. Jesse Jackson, Sr. If Jr was Mr. October's son then you could say he done been hit far from the tree up into the upper decks.

Now doan be tryin' to slip out of it by telling us Jesse Sr and Reggie Jackson look alike. The Yankee's done hung the racist tag right smart around our Southern necks without you helping dem out.

Just 'fess up that you mixed up your Jacksons. That's easy to do 'cause they're so many of them. I can only remember Janet because of that ugly pillow jewelery she flashed at the Super Bowl.

Oh yeah, and Tito 'cause he's got a funny name like Toto.

Hot Damn Eve ever time I come over here my tongue do forget my college adjudication. I just love to lay it on thick when its jess folks!

Awful sweet post, Darlin'. When we gonna see you on MSNBC making Chris Matthews leg jerk around like a Brem on a hook under a full moon?

ettarose said...

Eve honey, you should be on the news so everybody can know what the real story is. You did a great job explaining. One thing I am curious about. My maiden name was Jackson. Do you think he's kin to me?

The Muse said...

We just made a bottle chandelier...
Nice to know you can partake of a beverage and RECYCLE, right quick LOL

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Here I am, waiting for the heater repair man/woman to show up and I get to hang out with you and catch up.

It's a blessing that you are so on top of the news and things. NPR just announced that they are cutting a couple of their shows, due to the lack of money problem.

Which means there'll be some big holes out there, that will need to be filled. No, not that kind of hole, you dirty birdie, I'm talking about news and information holes.

That's where you come in. Your ability to size up a situation, your insight, along with your charm, makes you a natural! You could cover personal interest stories, items in the news........

Oh. Right. You're already doing that. Hmn. Better go take my morning meds, see if that helps.

Kristen said...

Thanks for breaking it down for me...all I know is I'm gonna lay low, keep my head down and be pleasant and I'm not even running for nothin!

nikkicrumpet said...

How come it makes so much more sense when you tell it? And how can it really be news that there is a crooked politician...I think the real NEWS would be if there was an honest one!

Quirkyloon said...

Oh Eve girl, I think you deserve a huge stumble for this one. Really. I mean we need more people to read this one so we can understand...you do much a better job than the news anchors.

Hey if you get a job at CNN, can you get me Andy Cooper's autograph. He's hawt.

freetheunicorns said...

Low down dirty dog. Way to ruin your political career.

All that aside, I gotta wonder what would have happened if some super-rich person with absolutely no political acumen had of bought the seat.

horatio salt said...

i believe the correct spelling is Blagshitzkybitch. or maybe it's Yukanallkizzmyazzpeeps. i could be wrong.

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

I offered to auction off the Senate seat, but Blago didn't want to pay me any commission...

AngieSS said...

Girlfriend, you sure got a great way of explaining things. I'm gonna come here from now on to get my news.

And I think Pabst would make a lovely tree!!

:o)

Chat Blanc said...

everything I know about swearing I learned from Blagxzkvqzch. hopefully J Jackson Jr. was able to pick up a few useful phrases too. :)

Anna Lefler said...

"Could embarrass Yosemite Sam" - WOOT! That's awesome!

I've missed you Miss Eve! It's been TOO busy around my double-wide! Hope the holidays are treatin' you right...

Hugs,

Anna

Dominus said...

Hey there, sweetie

Ill-noise politics currupt? Was dis wuerl come'in to?

I'm juss glad prez-elec Brack wuzzint caught up in dis mess. Wut a tangled web we weeve ...

Speak'in of tangled, whats with Blagxkqzch's hare wig? He doan even have a fourhed. False frunt an a false top to match?

dana wyzard said...

That's why anyone named Jackson or BRKSZKFSGF around these parts gits run outta town.

The Alopecian Muse said...

I loved it! Had to stumble it girl!

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Baby girl,

Where in the world are you? I got the email that you were moving, but haven't heard another word out of your usually gabby jaw.

What gives? Are you in some holding cell on account of Jitters? Have they re-po'ed your trailer park?

Or maybe you're having some early stocking-stuffer fun and I need to give you some space!

Let me know where you are and I'll drop off my famous Fried Kudzu Salad with the Durkee Fried Onions topping.

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Oh shit Eve, I'm beginning to think that Jitters has put you in a plywood box under her bed, so that you can be used by her lovers.

I've read about that stuff in Real News Reports. I have a special link to you on my site, but you've been quiet for a whole week.

Now, I know how hard that would be for me, even though I'm a tad suicidal. But for you to be quiet?

Something is so not right. I may have to drive down. As soon as I fix the lawsuit and my love of Q-tips, I'll be there.

VE said...

Hey, it's Christmas eve, Eve! Get it? Eve...eve... Oh never mind. I don't know why I bother!

Merry Christmas. And Frodo Christmas. And Pippin Christmas. And Sam Christmas.

And a hobbit new year...

Donna Marie said...

Merry Christmas!

xoxoxoxo
Donna Marie

Dano MacNamarrah said...

Eve~

Hope you are having a romping good Christmas. Did you get my care package? I got that in the bulk section of the supermarket.

It can make a casserol which'll make you believe in God. Kind of like in a foxhole. Ok, so here's what you do:

1) Give the case of Beef Ramen Noodles to the joons. They need to open each packet up, putting the noodles to the side. Have them empty the falvour packets into a big skillet. This will keep them busy while you crack open another case of bud.

2) Open the gallon can of Spam. Cut out pint sized sections and chop them into cubes, placing in the skillet.

3) Stir the Spam, to coat it in the Beef flavouring. Then heat that puppy up, till the Beef/Spam is good and browned.

4) Use some of that tub of lard to grease a foil roasting pan. Cover the pan with the reserved Ramen Noodles.

5) Open the gov't cheese and shred or cut enough slices to cover the noodles. Add Beef/Spam, repeat cheese step.

6) Now, this is where it gets creative. You could open the 2 litre Cream of Mushroom soup, or the New England Clam Chowder. Which ever you pick, pour it over the Beef/Spam.

7) Another layer of cheese, then top with crushed potato chips.

8) Bake for an hour or so, at 350 degrees.

9) Serve with eggnog, with tums, or with both.

Enjoy!

lisleman said...

I made a short video about Blago
take a look
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOtY2PKexDk

Chica said...

Where the hell are ya doll? Hope ya get yerself some internets soon, or we're all gunna go gadzooks here! happy New Year wherever you may be. :)

VE said...

You are about to be removed from my blog roll!!! It’s nothing personal…I’m restarting for 2009 this Thursday. Were you at the top of the list in 2008? If not, here’s your chance to be. A single comment gets you on my blog roll. Keep commenting and you’ll stay at the top. Hope to see you in 2009!

SWC said...

I sent you a Christmas care package-- all the toxic toys and tainted milk that you could want but I think the Chinese officials got it-- or maybe they got you. Girl, we've been waitin' for your return. I personally have been on the look out for any news on baby no. 2 as I would like to clone that that helpful little slave child. Could use some good service around here. My servants are acting like they are on holiday!

Anyway, if you are not tied up by some Chinese police or a triad, have a Happy New Year.

VE said...

Still without connectivity? Damn them. I have a spot reserved for ya when you get back. You just need to comment...the blog roll has begun! Don't worry...I'll be counting back comments until next Friday.

If Mama ain't happy...somebody's gonna get kilt.